I really hate that I am writing this and I'm feeling so guilty. I just have no one to talk to about it and need to get it off my chest but I'm not sure I'm happy in my relationship.. I've been with my partner for over seven years now and we have the most wonderful DD who is 16 months old and I am incredibly grateful to have her. She was planned too. But since we've moved into our house I just don't feel happy with my partner. He's always been bad with money and has a lot of debt from before we met which started due to something that wasn't really his fault but he's just never fixed it.
When we got the keys to the house, he had not long been self employed and this business was not making any money, I was on mat leave so I took out a loan to get us by (didn't tell my partner because I knew he'd rely on it) and I'm glad I did because he didn't make any money for over eight months. It took me going to his dad to tell him about the situation that made him finally get a proper job and start earning, so now I've been left in debt trying to keep us afloat as he knows I've used credit cards to do up our house as he agreed we'd both pay them off but this didn't happen due to him making no money for months.
So he does pay for DD's nursery as he makes plenty of money now and knows I can't afford it due to trying to pay off our debts.
This month, he says he can't afford to give me the usual amount which leaves us short on bills as I was made redundant and only started my new job two weeks ago (I have enough to cover my half of the bills) but then he said he paid £300 to start stock trading and got mad when I said well this month was the wrong month to choose to start as now we can't cover the bills?! His point was he's trying to make us extra money but now the bills are due tomorrow and he can't cover the other £800 he needs to give me..
Hes happy to always rely on my parents helping us out and doesn't seem embarrassed and bothered by it?! I don't want them to help but they don't want to see me lose my house or car (which my partner uses despite having his own car, resulting in my fuel cost going up so much more)
He always seems moody lately, I went out to the gym for two hours yesterday whilst DD and when I got home he had been playing the PS4 which I don't mind but when DD woke up, he carried on playing and said 'ffs I don't get to play often' which I get, he needs his time to play but I go to the gym two nights a week which gives him time to himself. He's always on his phone, when playing with DD he's more interested in his phone. He has more time to do what he wants to do, he went to France for a weekend with his friends without asking me if it was ok (not that I ever tell him he can't do anything) but didn't even run it by me, just told me he was going.
Our sex life is dry, he's always wanting it but I just don't find myself sexually attracted to him at all and actually dread it when it comes to having it.. I know that sounds awful but I feel like the lack of respect he has for my finances (he said missing one month on the mortgage won't hurt) and the lack of interest he has in life and doing anything (unless it involves cars or his mobile phone) just makes me lose interest in him.. I love him but I'm not sure I'm in love with him anymore. I don't worry about being alone but I worry about him being alone and having no where to go, no money and just spiralling into a huge mess..
I honestly feel so so guilty that I feel this way because I don't know if I could ever tell him this, I don't ever want to break his heart but I miss being happy with someone who wants to enjoy life.. who has goals and works towards them.. who wants to do family things every weekend and not always want to lay in bed until 10am at the weekends :( I just feel that other than my DD, this life isn't what I want for myself..