To be so fed up with in laws

[Throwaway7]

Name change for this. I've posted on here about my overbearing in laws since DS was born. Had a mix of supportive comments and some saying they were just eager and wanted to be part of her life and baby is 'dh's kid too' and they are just as important as my family. So I give it time, I have taken it all in my stride and put it down to their eagerness but we are currently staying with them and they are too much.

Going to try explain the incidents in a factual way

1. we asked MIL if DS could sleep in spare room instead of same room as us as none of us sleep well. MIL said no with no explanation why. When we got there it turned out SIL whose house is a ten minute walk away wanted to stay so she could have a much time with DS. not only that, she had set up baby travel cot in room she was sleeping in. When DH once again explained to her DS will be disturbed by someone in room she didn't want to hear it. Was all about her getting to wake up with him, that she was staying and that was the end of it. So baby slept in room with is and of course we all had a bad night sleep.

2. MIL 'reserved' the one day we had arranged to meet friends. We are spending 6 whole days with her and the family. We made plans one day without and she huffed because she doesn't get to see baby often. When we told her and DH sibling's we got a lot of grief as she 'doesnt ask for much'

3. DH's siblings are extremely intense with baby. They absolutely surround him and take at him to the point he is so overwhelmed he cries. Even when I take him for some space to calm down they followe and try to comfort him, which just makes it worse. As soon as I have stopped him crying they will literally snatch him from me.

4. MIL had 7 kids and we are reminded of this repeatedly. Because of this 'achievement' we are meant to take her advice as gospel. Some of the advice we got was giving the baby pureed chicken at 4 months. Adding salt to baby's food from 5 months. Baby should sleep with blanket from 3 months. So it's fair to say we don't agree that she is as all knowing as her other children do.

5. DH's family make unfair judgements on babus development and everything is due to something we have down wrong. This time it was a comment that baby is 'lazy' and he just sits there. On a very relevant sidenoted, MILs place is tiny! Baby had maybe 1 metre square space to play that was surrounded by over eager 40 something's repeatedly calling his name and trying to get his attention and interact. All he wanted was to be with me or his dad as he was scared. When we did take him off to our room for space and he was his usual playful self again, a few of them would appear immediately and surround him again. Anyway, the lazy comment led to MIL saying it was because he wears a sleep sack and he should be able to play around in cot and climb etc. That's why she always puts a blanket in his cot but we put on the sack which means 'he won't walk.' baby is 11.5 months

6. Even when his mum makes ridiculous comments like this we are told by his siblings we should listen to her, she raised 7!!!!

7. when DH tried to explain to her she was wrong and in fact the only time we have seen DS pull himself up is whilst he is wearing a sleep sack instead of owning it she made a comment that maybe she just says these things to upset/provoke DH

8. without fail, everytime we have a family meal, at least one sometimes two of them will go in to check on baby whilst he naps. Despite us telling them not to as they have woken him up and startled him in past. But it's always done as just "checking on him" and making sure he is ok. If I need to check ony child, I'll do it myself.

This is just things that have happened in the last few days. We have been dealing with critical similar since DS was born. DH is furious. The entire trip is miserable now and we have 2 more days. Before anyone says it's a DH problem, he knows this and has decided write an email explaining how inappropriate they have been.

Sorry it's so long But I'd appreciate different perspective and advice people would give. Do I just stay out of it and let DH deal with it completely? Which I think my be the more logical and level headed approach, especially for future relations. But a part of me is very fed up with his siblings and MIL seeming belief that our child is her baby 8. And I have found it incredibly hurtful and patronising that they have repeatedly undermined me as a mother.

I don’t know how old your baby is but if he’s wearing a sleep sack he sounds less than 2. There is no way on gods earth I would have made him try to sleep in a room with essentially a stranger at that age, that is absolutely not on. I would have either feigned ignorance (oh MIL you’ve put the cot in the wrong room, we’ll have to change it back) or if that didn’t work walked out then and there. I think YANBU they sound batshit and completely mental, not to mention hugely annoying and selfish. Try not to give them the satisfaction of a row but make sure things are done on your terms, even if this needs to be very very blunt (SIL please stop doing that, it’s upsetting him, if he can’t settle we will have to leave etc).

Some of this wouldn’t be as annoying to me as it is you, but we are all different, and I can see in this intense situation everything is amplified so it’s ALL super annoying.

I’m not saying just chalk it up but in a difficult world it’s nice that all the family are invested in a child’s health and well-being.

Hope you find some balance with them.

“You were an expert on YOUR children. LO is ours.”

I have a large family. The idea that it makes me any sort of expert on someone else’s child is ridiculous.

Before anyone says it's a DH problem, he knows this and has decided write an email explaining how inappropriate they have been.

An email? I think a face to face conversation is the way to go.

Same here. I'd roll my eyes and get that hotel. Its your dhs family. Some families are just like this. Plus you married into this. Lesson learnt. Coping is a hotel stay!

Oh :( sounds very overbearing and A LOT. Sending you lots of love!

Book a hotel room. Give them the truth unfiltered and head off to your hotel and then home in a few days.

Beyond that, Wait for them to approach/contact you and see what they have to say before you decide how to respond

Anyone invested in a child’s health and well being isn’t going to repeatedly wake him from naps, nor be in his face until he’s crying from being overstimulated.

In fact, people who want what’s best for a child follow the parents lead, as they know their child best.

The extended family in question are treating LO like a limited time toy that they have to wring every moment possible from, instead of a baby.

Wow that sounds unbearable. You are absolutely not being unreasonable!

To answer your question, I'd probably just let your husband talk to them but perhaps encourage him to mention how it has made you feel. I think they should know what they've done wrong.

It might be hurtful for them to hear so see if he can deliver the explanation in a gentle way when he's feeling less triggered. Since they are abroad, their culture might be very different which could make it hard for them to understand the reasons. In my opinion it would be helpful if they could be spoken to in a way that does help them understand. Like, explaining how even though she raised 7, she probably did a fantastic job, but these days there is much more data on safety etc etc. Just really explaining these things in a calm way might be beneficial.

I'm not saying they are ok to behave like that and I also wouldn't be visiting again either!

My MIL wakes my baby from his nap every single time we see her. It drives me insane. It's unkind and rude.

It sounds like a lot - I also had to visit in-laws who knew better abroad. It can get very intense. However, I don't think an email is the way to go. Making bullet points of everything they did to annoy you will sit well. If you go to a hotel, surely your DH can say - 'look it's too much, and give a couple of examples'

I disagree with 'Kitkatcatflap' these people don't listen to the OP and her DH about their LO, so what makes you think they'll listen when the DH tries to tell them what they've done to upset them, and why they're going to a hotel. I've always been a great proponent of writing letters/emails to people who won't let you put your side of an argument across without interrupting, as when it's written down they are effectively forced to read and take on board what you have to say.

I think moving to an hotel until your flight home is a very sensible move OP, and after this, I would give serious thought as to whether you want to spend time with them, anywhere other than away from either of your homes, so that it's easy to get up and walk away if it becomes necessary.

I would have gone a big neurotic during dinner when everyone kept checking in on the baby! You need to show them when you’re angry. This is coming from a former people pleaser who accidentally lost her shit finally and got great results. Now that I’m officially “a person who can lose her shit”, people behave better. Not what I was ever expecting but it was a huge life lesson. You teach people how to treat you!

Is this the first baby in the family? It sounds like a group of people who are overexcited to have a baby to fuss over and are taking it too far, wanting to check on him all of the time and get his attention.
It must be very annoying for you, particularly as they are your husband's relatives rather than your own. Staying in a hotel when you visit is a good way to manage your personal space.
But remember once your baby is a toddler and older he will probably enjoy having his grandmother, aunts and uncles making a big fuss of him!

Get your arse to a hotel, and why would you even care what they think? Your husband's family is fucking batshit. I would never, ever visit them again. Not ever.

It is and it isn't IME, because sure you see them less often, but when you do see them it's for days at a time and there's pressure to stay/let them stay. What you can put up with for one afternoon really starts getting you down by day 3!

Your husband sounds like the only sensible one in the family! It must be incredibly annoying and upsetting to continually have your requests regarding your baby ignored. Poor little boy must be so overwhelmed there. Hopefully your hotel stay will give you some respite, but you need to discuss future visits with your husband so you can establish tactics, so all 3 of you can enjoy your trip.

This is absolutely for the best. Don't tell them where you're going, either, or at the very least tell them that the hotel doesn't allow guests.

From the op:

baby is 11.5 months

If they are all 40 somethings do none of the others have children? She might have had seven children but it sounds as if only one of them has grown up.

To answer a few queries people have

Yes, there may be a cultural difference but not extreme one. I think it is largely to do with the dynamics of his family where some very strong characters dominate and basically dictate everything.

DH was one of the younger siblings and basically put up with some extreme behavior growing up. If my it were to be happening today, the family would definitely be reported to social services. Which is why I think DH finds it difficult to explain to them what they are doing, they literally end up shouting over him. To the point it's 2/3 of them shouting over him and of course it's all at a fluent level I don't understand so can't speak for my own child. Which is why he thought an email may be his only choice now.

DS is the first grandchild/nephew. So I have taken the excited and eager aspect into account. But when the first grandchild arrived I'm our family we were so respectful of what parents wanted/needed, that their behavior is very jarring to me.

They are all 40 something's with no kids. A few of them 'helped raise' DH which they seem to think gives them some parenting experience that qualifies them over us.

Morning here. Feeding baby whilst DH is telling MIL we are going to a hotel for last few days.

I regret not packing up to a hotel during a similar visit to family with my dd 3 years on. Just do it and stand up for yourselves or they'll never change.

If you want to define not looking after a child’s health and well-being as waking a child up from a nap and over-stimulating them from interaction, then you and I have very different knowledge of (actual) child welfare issues.

Nowhere in my post did I belittle OPs concerns.

How did they take it OP?

As expected, they were pissed. But DH just said we needed sleep and clearly there wasn't enough room there so we found a family room which would give us the space we need. We got told DS has to get learn to adapt, they could take him while we slept and finally SIL offered to go home.

DS is much happier with the space and feel like I can relax again.