To dread leaving my baby?

[amandanorgaard]

So DD is 5 and a half months old, I'm a FTM. She's pretty much exclusively breastfed but takes a bottle of expressed milk very well and has started bits of purée. She is a confident little baby (no separation anxiety or worry with strangers yet) and as I'm off on Mat leave I do 95% of her care. My mum is really supportive but lives an hour away, she sees us once if not twice a week and has taken baby out with her while I go gym etc., I fully trust her with the baby.

DH works full time shifts plus overtime, I've always let him sleep full nights. During the day I sometimes leave baby with him for an hour or so while I get nails done etc., in the house he might watch her while I do jobs, I'll encourage him to do things like feed and bath her but he's not very confident and despite me encouraging him, prefers to do the playing side which is fine, I play with her all day every day!

It's just it's getting to the point where I'm starting to want to make plans with my friends (maybe 3-4 hrs out in the evening) I don't want to ask my mum every time as she also works full time and as I said lives an hour away, it makes sense for me to leave baby with DH for a few hours! But I am completely dreading it. Every time I do leave her with him I feel like I come back to carnage, like baby crying, not napped, only half a bottle taken, mess everywhere etc. it's making me not want to go out. AIBU or is this a normal way to feel? Do I just leave him to it and push through the feelings? When I go back to work he will have to be responsible for childcare some days so he needs to learn!!

Yes you just need to leave him to get confident and work he is way through it as her parent. No one knows what to do 7ntil they start trying

The only way he’ll get confident is having longer periods of time being fully responsible without you there. He’s as much a parent as you are, you need to work on trusting him-if doesn’t matter if he does things differently to you either, don’t tell him how to do everything

Of course you have to leave him to it.

It's crazy he's been getting away with doing so little for so long

He needs to learn. She is his child too and he just has to get on with it.

When he is home, he needs to be doing his fair share. I'm sure many of us would love to only do the fun playing bits but you don't get to pick and choose when it comes to parenting.

Everyone will come at this with a different viewpoint. Mine is that I always wanted an equal partner and am a working mum. Dh has been a hands on dad from the start, we never relied on my mil and my parents live 4 hours away. I firmly believe that it was our choice to have kids, they've raised theirs and I'd rather rely on my partner and vice versa. I've had emergency sections so have had to let him get on with things with baby. I also don't micromanage so when he has baby he does things his way. There is more than one way to soothe a child and what worked for my dh wouldn't always work for me.

With your dh doing shifts you've got into the habit of doing everything and letting him off the actual caring for baby. It's manageable when you have one but not when you have more and resentment will build over time. I'd readdress the balance now. So is overtime necessary right now? As for not being confident I'm not surprised if he only takes care of her now and again. Women don't just know how to be mums, you get thrown in the deep end and you learn. He needs to pull his finger out and actually be a dad. At the moment he isn't parenting and their bond will suffer as a result. She's still so little so changes can be made but he needs to want to.

A sit down conversation is long overdue.

Why haven’t you been getting him to do more already? It’s only by being far more involved that he will be confident and then all of you will be far happier. None of us know what we are doing with babies to begin with, even if we learnt on a sibling as we had to learn somewhere.

He has to learn, that's his chid!

I suppose because I have the attitude oh it's just easier if I do it, it'll be done properly and I know what's going on. If I give him an option, e.g. do you want to bath the baby or do this dishes, he picks the chore each time. I feel like he has bonded with her but he just doesn't see the caring tasks as the fun part I suppose! Whereas I love putting her to bed. I don't know!

100%, I try to leave him to do things his way when he does try and feed her for example, but can't help myself making suggestions. I think because I've done all the research and reading up and know what way I'd like to do things, and he hasn't. He just agrees to whatever I suggest if I try and discuss it. So by making suggestions I'm undermining his confidence I guess. I need to shut up but it's so bloody hard!

It is hard, but if he doesn't build his confidence now, he is really going to struggle later, and you will wind up being the default parent. You need to let him find his way. You learned how to do all the stuff you do with your baby by doing it. No one wrote you instructions. He will get there too, but only if you give him the chance.

Overtime is unfortunately financially necessary.

I appreciate your points, how do you suggest I go about this without hurting his feelings? He comes from a very traditional family background where dad worked, mum stayed at home and did childcare. I've tried discussing things like mental load with him and he fundamentally does not get it. He doesn't understand. From his perspective he's working his arse off to provide for us, and "helps" when he's home. How do I even start this conversation??!

I know how you feel, I hate leaving my 13 month old! But recently have started to a lot more. Go at your own pace, start with however long you feel comfortable with and then work your way up. And have a serious talk with your partner about how important those things are to you and your mental health.

You need to let him try and either fail or succeed but either way if you don't, he won't be able to find his feet. It will probably be a bit of a steep learning curve though so don't expect wonders at first - let's face it you have had most days for months to figure this lot out. So easy to forget though and just expect your DH to know everything you do - I am definitely guilty of that one!

You could start by saying: I cannot do all this by myself, when you finish work that's it's for the day but my job is 24 hours a day and I need some help.

But you are going back to work so it isn’t the traditional set up and things need to be split more fairly.

The fact that these things need to be done and then split isn’t a difficult thing to understand he just chooses not to.

Firstly why give him a choice, say I am don’t dishes you put her to bed. And ihe says why - say because these things need to be equally shared and done by both of us

Yes you just leave him to do his best.

He will never learn her schedule or how to get things done if you don't just leave him to it. The baby is safe, he's her dad. If the house is a mess when you come home it's not the end of the world. Just go and enjoy yourself. Oh and if you come home and there's been no nap or there's a mess then dont criticise him for it

Yanbu to dread it, but that doesn't mean it isn't a good idea.

Assuming he isn't completely irresponsible, then he will gain his own style in parenting when being alone with baby.

He should build up his own confidence, too.