Don’t know where I’m going wrong

[UtterlyFedUp11]

I’m really lonely and fed up with my life right now. As I’m getting older I realise I have zero friends to celebrate the big and small moments together. What upset me is one friend I thought I was closest to I see on WhatsApp update she has people over that she only met most recently since her youngest started nursery whilst she’s known me for 5 years. I haven’t even seen her home.

my neighbours I’ve tried to get to know they’re nice people but it doesn’t really go anywhere. One I have most in common with (kids same age, we’re probably same age too, we work in similar field and work same pattern of part time) I invited her for tea and she looked visibly uncomfortable and said she’s very busy with house at the moment, I can hear her having a party whilst I’m stuck here with my kids with no plans for bank holiday,

my DH is a little controlling - he doesn’t like my sisters coming to Visit me or me going there. He has no issues with friends he always says but problem is I don’t really have any! I feel so alone and depressed. I’m going to put kids to sleep and drink as I usually do on my own. I’m not a horrible person - I’m kind hearted and caring, I’m not too in your face I’m quiet but I do talk and I am chatty and bubbly so I’ve been told, when I’m with my sisters I laugh and have so much fun so I know I’m capable of having a good time. I feel so low.

I’m very sorry you’re feeling like this - I think it’s so common to drift away from friendships we had when we were younger and to find that we don’t have many/any really close friends - you are not alone in feeling like this!

you mentioned your children - are they school age? Can you/have you met any parents you could make friendships with?

Thank you @Blacksheep33 we moved to a new area so still finding my feet although we haven’t moved far from old house. Youngest goes to a new nursery since January, I’ve gotten numbers of friends he plays with but again it doesn’t go anywhere. We chat and text and no definite plans are made I know it sounds silly but as I’m depressed I don’t actually feel like meeting people but then I complain I don’t have friends! It’s like a vicious cycle.

my eldest is in year 5 and has lots of friends in her new school and I’ve met up with 3 other mums but again it doesn’t feel like it’s progressing anywhere. Only one of them have invited us for a party other 2 I know have had a party but only invited 6/7 girls.

Don't let your dh stop your sisters from coming over. I hope you haven't moved far from them. My favourite people to come over are my sisters as you have to make so little effort and everything is easy. He doesn't get to decide. Push back Having your sisters means you won't be lonely and the easiest way to make friends is not to care. As soon as you stop caring whether you have friends or not you will find yourself with friends.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this.

I was in a relationship with a controlling partner years ago and it made me quite guarded and affected my ability to get close to people and form friendships. Gently, do you think that could be a factor here?

The problem is your controlling DP.

The effect of this abuse is insidious. It brings you down, and others can sense something is wrong even if they don't know what it is that is sucking the life out of you.

You need to get your sisters to come and visit you frequently, and you need to visit them too. Talk to them about your P's behaviour.

You need to assert yourself here.

I have a little boy and when I was on mat leave I definitely found that lost ‘friendships’ I forged through him were short lived or fizzled out - again, I think that’s normal and one or two will stick and make all the difference.

you mentioned that your partner can be a bit controlling. Why doesn’t he like you seeing your sisters? I’ve definitely found in moly life that if I’ve been feeling low/depressed it has been a symptom of something in my life I’m not happy with. Could your relationship be a contributing factor in making you feel isolated from people, lonely etc?

Do you have any couple friends (i.e couples who you and your husband are friends with) at all who you could see more often?

He doesn’t have friends. He works all the time except weekends. Do we don’t see him in the week but just on weekends. It’s a long issue of if I want to see his sisters he has to invite his too but the whole dynamic changes when his sisters are here. It’s a whole dynamic of “it’s our brothers house not yours” type of mentality, they’re very rude. It’s a cultural thing to keep a woman whose married into your family down.

You need to be firm about this OP. You need your family right now. Can't you meet your sisters at a cafe/park or something? There's nothing wrong with your sisters being your main friends right now. That may change but right now you need them.

Usually if it's people from different groups I would think it's you. But you sound lovely, friendly and kind. Could it be that your dh gives off a very uncomfortable vibe. He sounds controlling and awful. How dare he stop your sisters from coming over. Have them over and if he invites his, then at least you will have your sisters as support.

Thank you all for your replies I just don’t know where to go from here, I know I need to change my life but don’t know where to start.