To not be there for this friend anymore?

[SpoonieGal89]

I’ve got a really close friend who I’ve known a while now, we get on really well and always have a laugh and we’ve supported each other through a lot in the past.

We have both had really crappy things happen to us throughout our lives but the issue is how we deal with it - I’ve spent years in and out of therapy, medication when needed etc - whereas she tends to self destruct and turn to alcohol and being out all night and then I’m left to pick up the pieces and sort her out afterwards whether that’s physically or even emotionally and mentally because she goes into a really bad place afterwards.

I’ve tried my best to get her to use different ways of dealing with it but she keeps going back to these habits, it happened again last night and this morning I honestly feel like throwing in the towel, taking a massive step back and letting her get on with it.

She is very needy in the fact that she constantly needs to be talking to me, which is fine if she needs me for something, but I just feel so mentally and emotionally drained trying to help someone that clearly doesn’t want to help themselves…

AIBU?

It sounds like you have reached the point in your recovery where you are able to take care of your own needs and set boundaries. Its a milestone in your life (but its obviously a difficult one to celebrate.)

It might be possible to help her by staging an intervention, saying what you said here and ending the friendship because you feel you are just enabling her self destructive behaviour. Or you might need to fade out. You know her best, so just use your best judgement.

She's using you as therapy or to valid her behaviour in some weird way. If you don't want to block her, don't reply quickly to needy messages and don't mention the behaviour but make some light comments about what's going on in your life

YANBU to want to step back and honestly I think it would be healthier for your wellbeing at all levels to do so. I know that's easier said than done though since you care about her and want the best for her.

I would have a frank conversation with her explaining how her behaviour is affecting you and that if she isn't willing to get outside help then you'll have to create distance between you. I think it's important to explain why you're stepping back so she'll understand why it's happening, if you just become unavailable without explanation she might not realise the reasons why and spiral even more. This way she knows the ball is in her court, if she wants a friendship with you she has to sort herself out.

I know you probably feel uncomfortable about distancing yourself from someone in need but it's important to practice self care. I hope it all works out for the best. It's admirable that you've sorted your life out despite all the horrible things that have happened to you, I hope your friend can do the same.