This isn't fair *tw infertility and cancer'

[PentagonPogo]

Im 35,

We have had ivf and we have 9 embryos in the freezer due to my infertility, we were about to embark on the transfer process.

I was diagnosed with melanoma (stage 3) just after the collection of the eggs, and my oncologist has suggested waiting 2 years for the transfer. It in my lymph nodes and I need immunotherapy for 1 year. I've already done 2 months plus had surgery to remove lymph nodes and the original melanoma, I thought i definitely had a chance of completing ivf and having a baby we've waited 8 years for (I have had recurrent miscarriages and it's been a shit journey tbh)

However my oncologist dropped the absolute bombshell on Friday that melanoma can pass through the placenta to the baby. This has absolutely floored me.

I wasn't expecting to have ivf for at least a year because of the cancer but to be told my cancer might cross the placenta and affect my baby? My first response is 'fuck no I'm not putting a baby through that' and then my second response is grief I might not ever have children which has nothing to do with infertility and it's shite!!

What would you do? Melanoma accounts for 30% of placental metastasis and it's very rare for it to occur but it's happened enough times that my oncologist has told me pregnancy is 'not advised at any point before remission' which would be 5 years and that makes me 40.

So yeah I think I just want a pity party of the loss of the baby I'll never get to carry.

I hear you. I'm 32 and just had a hysterectomy due to cancer. Im childless and will now remain so. I haven't even begun to process it. It makes me so angry

I'm really sorry, it's absolutely shite isn't it? I'm also really angry, angry that I did all that ivf and hormones for absolutely nothing. It's the shittiest.
I have nephews but my husband has found our infertility extremely difficult so even though the youngest is 2 we've not seen him much because of his upset about the fact we might never have our own. Can't see us having much of a relationship now!!

have you joined the cancer support group on general health?

Sending you unmumsnetty hugs. It must be so frustrating. HOWEVER, 40 is not too old to have your baby by IVF. Although you will be older, your embryos will still have the same rate of success as when they were created (if you understand what I mean). We had 10+ years ttc; my DD was born when I was almost 43 and my DS (frozen embryo at least five years old - he was one of three frozen embryos from two cycles which is why I don't know how old he was exactly) was born when I was almost 47. I would rather I'd had them when I was a bit younger but it was what it was and everything has worked out fine.

I think you are entitled to have your pity party but hang on in there and don't give up. You have nine embryos in the freezer and all is definitely not lost.

@justgettingthroughtheday I wish I had some sort of enlightening brilliant thing to say but all I’ve got is fuck, I’m so sorry. It’s not fair. xx

@justgettingthroughtheday so sorry. It isn't fair.

@PentagonPogo I haven't joined yet no. I'm a bit rubbish at following those type of threads and remembering whose who and their stories etc.
I'd always assumed I would one day have at least one child. I'm now being advised to have radiotherapy which will knock out my ovaries too. They are sending me to a specialist about collecting eggs but I'm not sure what would be gained by doing so. It's clear from threads on here surrogacy is hated and I'm not sure I could afford it anyway.
I'm going to seek counselling this week I think.

Taking a step back, I'm not sure MN is representative of surrogacy in the real world. I'm a midwife and I've helped a lot of surrogates and their clients/ families to deliver and bond with their babies. I've never encountered a surrogate who isn't supported during post partum and the joy between the surrogate, her partner and the intended / biological parents is so beautiful.

You would have to do some research because you do have to formally adopt the baby etc, but you and I do have options, I know we do. Follow @oliviasgotguts if you want to look into a bit more? She had stage 3 or 4 bowel cancer and did egg Retrieval and then her cousin did surrogacy for her and her husband after she hit remission. I think she'll be 3 in July?

I was just so shocked my cancer can cross the placenta. Just feels like a sick joke.

@PentagonPogo thank you. I'm not ruling it out completely. I'm not even sure egg collection is possible just now.
Cancer just sucks. It creeps in to every corner of your life and its impact is so much greater than you realise till you live it.
I really wish you the best and hope that somehow one day you are able to be a mum

Life is so cruel to us sometimes, I'm not surprised your raging. have you thought about counselling?