Finding being a youth leader a bit triggering

[pizzaformeplease]

I volunteer at weekends as a leader for a youth group. I'm not the "main" youth leader but I am one of a small team of leaders. I am in my early/mid-twenties so not a huge amount older than some of the 11-18 year olds I lead. It's a tight-knit community and they are great young people, I'm really fortunate that they are so respectful and look out for each other so well.

However I'm finding it difficult hearing them talk about having had friends round to their house or how they're hanging out together outside of the youth group (which of course is fantastic!). Recently I heard Young Person A saying that their family had had Young Person B's family (parents and young person) round for lunch earlier that day.

While of course I was delighted to hear they had done that, I personally found it hard because that sort of thing never happened in my family growing up. The only people I ever remember being invited round to my childhood home were my grandparents for a cup of tea or to watch a film with us (and even then I could honestly count the occasions on one hand), or if I had gone out of my way to invite a friend from school some afternoon. My family didn't have family friends, never really had relationships with anyone beyond the household and definitely didn't meet up for fun or go on holiday together. I never even went on any overnight school trips or youth residentials. We were really insular and my parent never had any connections outside of me and my sister. So when I hear these young people discuss who is giving whom lifts to McDonalds or to one of their houses to play Mario Kart after the youth club, or seeing them ring parents to ask permission for an impromptu sleepover at their friend's house, it does sting a bit.

I know it's silly because I'm a leader, not a young person, but it makes me sad for the life that I haven't had. The things I've missed out on. The things that they seem to all take for granted, that are normal to them and yet are very much alien to me. It makes me feel left out, because of course I can't go along to their house to play Mario Kart too. We had a youth residential weekend recently and I wasn't able to stay overnight, I just went for the day, because I would find it too overwhelming to be constantly surrounded by people outside of my family/household for an extended period of time. Because I haven't grown up with any concept of it and it's a lot to get to grips with.

When I came home after youth group this weekend I felt a bit sad. I don't want it to taint my volunteering there, because I do enjoy it. But there's just this gap between what I'm currently living and what I've grown up believing and it's actually surprisingly hard to know how to process it. AIBU?

Yes, YABU, but I feel sorry for you.

You (correctly) point out that your behaviour is irritational. This isn't about you, and your experiences, it's about them and their experiences.

So this is a hobby/commitment to you on behalf of benefitting young people, but do you have an equivalent hobby or commitment for yourself? You sound quite lonely and I feel like it might help.

If I’m being honest; this is something that will continue to crop up in any avenue in your life. Regardless of your job, people will speak about their family/social/home lives and some of them will have a “better” life in comparison to yours. You just have to try and calm that inner voice down. You can’t change your childhood, but if that lifestyle is something you want to mirror then make it happen. Start socialising with your friends more, raise your kids differently etc

I had a similar childhood so I do understand what you mean but at some point you need to stop dwelling on what could have been and what you missed out on and work on making your life what you want to be. Consider your blessings and think about what you want to get out of life rather than slipping into victim mode.

I have two DC and I have given them a very different upbringing from mine and sometimes I feel sad that I didn't have the wonderful childhood that they have. But I mostly just feel happy that I have broken the cycle and grateful for what I have.

Perhaps you would benefit from some counselling but I also think that you're overthinking this a lot and seeing yourself as a victim and jealous of what others have. I'm not sure what "triggering" really means or if it's the right word in this situation but I think you need to develop some resilience and maturity. Take responsibility for your life and think about the changes you want to make, and then make them happen.

YABU, you feel like you feel.

Only you can decide if it is something you can cope with or not.

Sorry, that should have said YANBU. I think you are entitled to your feelings!

Just wanted to add that my parents were social hermits too. Family would visit about once a year for something major like a wedding or funeral. My dad would drink with his loud/weird colleagues on occasion. Aside from that, they had zero social life and no one came over. Quite sad actually, i imagine they’re very lonely now they’re older.

it was awkward for me growing up because it was like they didn’t understand the concept of friendship. They didn’t understand why I wanted to go out briefly after school, have sleepovers, visit their houses etc or why I wanted to get friends gifts or build relationships.

it took a lot of effort to get to the stage where my parents even let my friends in the car and go to a drive through. So I understand where you’re coming from and I do think I missed out on a lot of normal life. However I also moved out at 18 and lived with my friends until I moved in with my partner, so I feel like I made up for lost time.

So my advice to you is just start living the life you want now. Give your mates a lift to McDonald’s, visit each other to play games, go on holiday together etc. it doesn’t matter whether your 15 or 25, it will make a difference to how you feel when you overhear these conversations.

It sounds like you are grieving for the childhood you should have had, and that's perfectly normal. Let yourself go through the process just as you would any other loss, and you will eventually find a way to come to terms with it.

YABU to refer to this as "triggering"

You sound quite lonely - is the time that you spend volunteering a diversion that hinders you from developing adult friendships and a social network now as a young adult?

You say you're almost their age, so I'm guessing you're around 20?

You're still quite young, and I think you might be taking this whole "leader" thing a bit seriously.

Firstly, my DS is happy being friends with people am who are "leaders" in his church and would mix with them on a friends basis.

Secondly, why can't you do things like MarioKart? Why do you think all of that can my be part of your life now?

I see my nieces and nephews who are approaching 30, some married, some planning it, and they go off and do fun and crazy things together. Golf days, going to football games, games nights (board or card), etc. you might find it hard to start as you're not used to it yet, but dip your toe in the water by arranging something small with others, and just go from there.

You can change this.

This isn’t "triggering". I’m glad that it's not. You'd find it much more difficult to deal with if it was. You experienced a different walk of life to them, that's all. Minus abuse, all sorts of things you might not be privy to just from overhearing. Reality check OP. You can fulfil your role without this second guessing.
Please don’t use "triggered" without any understanding of why the word is appropriately used by others.