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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone feel they've missed out on key human life experiences?

11 replies

Isitspringorwinter · 30/04/2023 21:21

I didn't grow up with my parents. Close to my mother though and really hoped to have a long adult mother and daughter relationship. However, she died very young.

I have problems with my health and feel it would be unfair to have children, despite sometimes having an almost unbearable ache to have my own child.

I have a good fortunate life in other ways, and was loved as a child but it was just all complicated. Sometimes those things that I will never get to experience (childhood with birth parents, having a child of my own) make me feel like I'm not really fully human. Just some sort of weird life form floating along in space.

Is there anyone here who has ever felt a bit like me?

OP posts:

LunaTheCat · 30/04/2023 21:34

Yep, me too.
I had an awful childhood… warring parents, really messy dirty home, not enough clothes. I have awful childhood memories. I envy people with lovely memories.
Met a lovely man but too late to have children.
I try to concentrate on what is good now… husband, garden, warm sheets, good friendships.
Have you spoken to your GP about your desire for children? Most medical conditions can be managed really well in pregnancy now … don’t give up on that ache. 💐

iloveautumn3 · 30/04/2023 21:34

Yes I have no parents and no siblings. I miss out on family looking out for you.

Spottycarousel · 30/04/2023 21:40

Yep. Difficult upbringing, didn't belong in family, health issues all my life, disabled ds. Missed out on so much.

My life has been very hard and I still feel like I don't belong here, that I'm just plodding along waiting for my time to go.

PauliesWalnuts · 30/04/2023 21:48

Similar - lost my parents very young, sibling a couple of years back, rest of family has all but died out. I didn’t meet anyone to have kids with, and when everyone was doing a gap year I was looking after a terminally ill parent. Don’t get me wrong - that was a privilege and I’d do it again like a shot but I feel like I’ve not “done life” the way I had hoped. I don’t have any family left and really feel like I (and they) missed out on so much.

But, it’s made me look at life in a different way. I can be a good godparent, and friend, and still travel. If life is cut short like those of my parents and sibling then I want to get the most out of mine first. I haven’t made peace with my sadness much, but have created enough diversions to not dwell on it sometimes.

CheersForThatEh · 30/04/2023 21:50

I have a sibling but we didnt get on after we were about 10. Didnt see eachother for years due to family breakdown. Barely acquaintances as adults. So I have a sibling on paper but I dont really.

Ketzele · 30/04/2023 21:53

I've never experienced a truly loving mutual partnership (though rarely single). My mum was the same. When I was a teenager she told me she had given up on love, as she didn't seem able to do it properly. At the time I thought oh no don't give up, but now I have as well.

My brothers, by contrast, are very happily married. They adore their wives. I love my kids and friends and cats, but it would have been nice to have had a partner who was really there for me.

mimimim · 30/04/2023 22:04

Oh goodness I can really relate and I’m actually pretty grateful to you for posting this thread.

Had a difficult childhood and was then in an abusive relationship. Married someone who’s not abusive but we haven’t been that happy a lot of the time and if I could have my time again I’d spend longer alone and choose someone else. Have a good relationship with my family now but we were estranged for years. No kids due to health problems. Currently living a very quiet and lonely life and sometimes feel I am just waiting to die. Good career but that’s the only thing that feels really sorted.

OhComeOn123 · 30/04/2023 22:04

Ketzele · 30/04/2023 21:53

My brothers, by contrast, are very happily married. They adore their wives. I love my kids and friends and cats, but it would have been nice to have had a partner who was really there for me.

Same x

funinthesun19 · 30/04/2023 22:12

I feel like I’ve missed out on meeting someone and falling in love. I’ve been in two relationships in my life and I’m now 33. I just feel like my looks and my zest are fading, and my time to meet a good man and fall head over heels has passed.

I’m happy to stay single at the moment as I’m not really in a position to meet anyone anyway. But I feel like I’ve missed out on knowing what it actually feels like to be properly loved and to know what it feels like to properly love someone back. And to get married and have someone there by my side through thick and thin and enjoy things with and build a life with.

My first relationship was when I was in year 11 school and it lasted until I was 19. He blew hot and cold all the time and wrecked my confidence in myself. I was young and confident, and then he ended becoming my everything which was my undoing. I actually left college when he dumped me so I could get away from it all. Then we got back together and it was all up and down. I eventually gave up on him and said enough is enough.

Then straight away, when I was 20, I met my ex. He was like a breath of fresh air at the time, and I of course ignored the early red flags that were waving in my face. I spent 10 years with him and went through so much emotional abuse and some physical abuse too. It took a shit ton of courage to leave him.

Both relationships became toxic and that’s all I have ever known. Maybe one day I’ll finally be lucky. I’m 3 years single now, and happily working on myself now. I was in a relationship from age 16 - 30. So my whole adult life up to that point involved a toxic relationship with someone. It feels good to be free and to be working on myself.

Mouldyfoodhelp · 30/04/2023 22:13

Yes, was bullied from young until 18 to varying extents and missed out on a lot of the social stuff all the other kids did which led me to drinking heavily for a few years.

I've suffered MH issues for the last decade which has affected me so I haven't been social for most of my 20s to the point in that time I've probably left the house in that decade less than most do in say 9 months or less.

Not really ever had a romantically reciprocated relationship or physical one but have been abused twice.

At various times I've thought that I'd like to exchange a large part of my life to be normal from now even if its stuff like being able to go shopping, go to work, have an actual first date even if its awful.

Grumpi · 30/04/2023 22:24

In some ways I had a great childhood - loved, friends, warm, fed, safe but my mum passed away when I was still in primary school and that obviously had an immediate impact but also a life long void. It made me who I am both good and bad I guess.

I don’t have many friends (all linked to being hyper independent), although I’m sociable and easy to get on with on the surface I don’t do well in maintaining friendships long term. I didn’t go to college or uni (I know if my mum had been around I would have), I didn’t travel when I was young, I didn’t do a lot of the things friends did.

I now have A LOT of good things, I very happy. I am very grateful. But the lack of close family or close friends has been a life long struggle for me and I really envy those who have close families or friendship groups, I have never ever felt like I belong to a “tribe”. (Although I have my own now with my amazing kids of course).

you’re not alone in this OP

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