That really, as I have no one irl to vent about.
I think of myself 15 years back, finishing uni, being full of hope and thinking what life would bring.
What it brought is an autistic child whom I love dearly, but if I had a time machine I would f* all the way back and sterilise myself. My kid is amazing in many ways, but life is so brutally hard sometimes.
He's non verbal, stimming loudly most of the day. The constant level of noise, wailing and shrieking (very often done in my face) actually started making me feel suicidal, the feeling of helplessness I have no clue how to help him. He was ill over two weeks of Easter. No clue what it was, as he does not speak not point, nor understands questions. So a guessing game, what could it be? Sore throat? An infection? Belly ache? Tooth ache? 4 weeks later we are non the wiser.
The relationship with my partner crumbled. We are together just about, but the levels of stress are killing whatever affection is still left between us. When you have a kid you make all sorts of plans what you will do. Well, we are mostly stuck in our living room watching selected bits of Cocomelon or whatever obsessively favourite song of the day is. We don't have hobbies anymore, we do';t go out (except separately for a few hours once a month). DS's growing out of the buggy which is the only way we can take him out anywhere and when he grows out, my last bits of being able to leave to shops will be gone (he won't walk, does not understand danger awareness).
Neighbours stopped talking to us months ago, as I think again despite us doing whatever we can, the noise must be horrible. I feel for them and am ashamed we make their lives difficult. We have no savings as we spent everything on bits of therapies that NHS could not offer (we got 3 hours of speech and language when he was 3).
We don't have friends as we can't really go anywhere. I am lying- tI have online friends on various forums and websites, where I pretend to be someone else living a different life. I can't go on social media to chat to (former) friends as I am bound to see what they are up to, which makes me jealous and depressed as people can go on holiday or even go out to a park and dont even know how lucky they are, while we try to survive an other meltdown started by we don't know what. His comfort things changes, at the moment it's to dig his nails into my body and pull my hair. You need eyes on him every breathing second as he will eat things from a bin/fall/grab something that becomes dangerous in his hands/lick the pavement, you name it.
What gets to me is that there is zero support of any kind, seeing anyone takes months (we needed help with sleep, had to wait 6 months of sleep deprivation to see a ped in hospital), you get a leaflet if you're lucky and are sent on your way.
I am just about managing working a job I hate, but it's my only way to actually talk to other adults and not go crazy, and not spend another hour listening to sounds that I dont know what they mean.
Just that really. I love my child, I really do, but seeing him suffer every day is horrific, seeing us become sour, bitter people who ghate life is sad, and while I know there is worse, really that does not make me feel any better. I know we are not the only family cooped up in their house/flat, families like ours, you either don't see or you see them frantically trying to peel off their child during a meltdown from a supermarket floor and pity us. I hate autism. Whenever I see people saying it's a superpower I want to scream.