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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my friend has stopped seeing me since I had a baby

19 replies

Mammadibambini · 30/04/2023 16:32

I’ve had a close friend since we were born. Our parents were friends and we went to school together and have known each other for 30+ years. I had a baby this year and thought that she would, as one of my closest friends, be supportive and we would still see each other. Obviously I can’t see her in the same way perhaps but we mostly just went to each others houses. Since then, she’s made lots of new friends and doesn’t seem to have time for me. I keep saying I’ll come and we can have lunch or come after she finishes work for a bit or ask what she’s got planned on the weekends but she’s always busy.

should I say something or just leave it? Makes me sad to think we’re not really close anymore.

OP posts:
Mummynew08 · 30/04/2023 16:35

Yanbu to be sad but in my experience this is unavoidable with some friends sadly. I've had to make my peace with it with several friends.

I think you would be unreasonable to confront her about it - you'll just drive her away and it won't achieve anything. When your dc is older (or if/when the friend has a child) you might reconnect with her - that's if you can forgive her for being absent now.

Dacadactyl · 30/04/2023 16:36

Depending on her personal situation i would mention it. Is she married/trying for a baby? If not, id definitely mention it.

Womencanlift · 30/04/2023 16:40

Lives change when one of a friendship group has a baby. Quite rightly you have less time for friends but she shouldn’t have to wait around until you are ready to see her, of course she is going to find new friends who are more available

It would be good if she could still meet up but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to prioritise the ones she sees more often

Unfortunately that is quite a common as people grow up and make their own family

Passmethewine23 · 30/04/2023 16:45

I've lost a few friends since I've had my dc last year and it's honestly heartbreaking. I'd just cut down the contact and don't ever text her first! Phase her out slowly! Sad situation, but don't chase her xx

readbooksdrinktea · 30/04/2023 16:50

You have less time and a family, she'll find other friends whose lives are more like hers. It's difficult but normal.

itsmylife7 · 30/04/2023 16:51

Have you not just asked her the reason why ?
If you're such good friends why can't you phone her and speak about it.

Summer2424 · 30/04/2023 16:51

Hi @Mammadibambini this has happened to me too but i've only known her for about 9 years. I have asked my friend to come and see me or i can come out and we do something but nothing. I had a baby 6 months ago.
I have given up now and will focus on family and friends that do care xx

Divorcedalongtime · 30/04/2023 16:52

It’s natural i think, to change friends when you have children, interests change and it’s super boring when you’re the one without a child to listen to so much stuff about “the baby”

JamHam · 30/04/2023 16:54

Does she have/like babies?

This has come up quite a bit in my friendship group. Half a very much child free by choice and have no interest in children, and a couple of friends have now had children.

kitsuneghost · 30/04/2023 16:54

Maybe you need to emphasise lunch just the 2 of you. Maybe she assumes you are going to bring baby and that's putting her off

CarrotCake01 · 30/04/2023 17:03

It's sad for sure but I don't think very unusual.
I pretty much lost all my friends when my DD was born.
My actual best friends have met my daughter 3 times in her life and she's 5 now! (They only live a half hour drive away.)
I often suggest doing something that could involve my child but they're not interested.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/04/2023 17:04

I dont think it's a normal part of life. I've still got child free friends, and I was friends with people with kids before I had them. Because I think whether someone has a baby or not, isnt the most important thing about them. So it's not inevitable, unless you're one of those people who has a baby and loses interest in anything other than the baby and friends get fed up of it. Although when you've got very young children its logistically 'easier', there is no actual reason that women with or without kids have to stick together.

I'd text her and say you havent seen her for a while, and is everything ok because you miss her and are sad that there seems to be a distance between you. If she denies it or says she will see you soon but continues to be busy, at least you'll know you tried

rollingpunches · 30/04/2023 17:14

She may come back when/if she's pregnant it would be upto you if you want to let her.

I'd go to baby groups, baby massage etc and find some new friends

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 30/04/2023 17:23

Are you wanting to meet up each time with the baby or just the two of you?

This might be a the thing if your wanting to meet all the time with your child. People like to keep their adult friendships just that.... adult no children.
Does she have children? Want children etc?

Lottapianos · 30/04/2023 17:38

It's a very tough one OP. My best friend had a baby and I was just floored by envy and sadness. I wasn't able to continue the friendship (there was more to it than that, but the baby was a big factor)

I get from your point of view you're thinking that you've only had a baby, it's a normal part of life, why can't your friendship continue? She obviously sees it differently. Do you feel you could ask her gently what's going on? I appreciate it's much easier to do than to say

AssertiveGertrude · 30/04/2023 17:40

This happened to me with a close friend / bridesmaid. Eight weeks after my first baby and an expensive gift from her she never darkened my door again. I gently contacted her a few times to no avail.
I felt so used but have met more genuine friends since.

girlfriend44 · 30/04/2023 17:45

If she has stopped the friendship because you've had a baby then she wasn't a good friend in the first place. Good friends don't do that.

drpet49 · 30/04/2023 17:49

readbooksdrinktea · 30/04/2023 16:50

You have less time and a family, she'll find other friends whose lives are more like hers. It's difficult but normal.

No it isn’t normal. What to dump your friend because she had a baby? No it isn’t.

dontgochangingtotryandpleaseme · 30/04/2023 19:33

It's a difficult one.

Years ago a close friend had a baby.

Sadly my friend was then no longer recognisable as the friend I used to socialise with.

She literally took her baby everywhere and talked about NOTHING apart from what her baby is doing.

It's lovely that she's such a good mum but I missed my "old" friend and, as harsh as it sounds, I no longer had anything in common with her.

I wasn't as interested in her baby as she was and I just wanted to talk about ordinary things.

I had no interest in her baby's poops, breast feeding, sickness, crawling, cradle cap, injections, milestones etc.

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