To think depression isn’t an excuse for selfishness

[Satansgourd]

This has only just occurred to me. I was having a chat with a friend of mine, who I am sure is depressed. She does not have the best home environment, and I know it gets her down. But, having spoken to her yesterday for the first time in a while, I realize that she has not asked me anything about myself in months. We chat daily, mainly at my instigation, and it’s always to ask how she is. I wondered yesterday if she actually is severely depressed and this is making her self focused. Am I wrong? AIBU

Friendships should be reciprocal the majority of the time. Otherwise the person is using you.

I'd feel utterly claustrophobic if I had a friend who wanted to talk to me most days. And I don't have depression. Is this something that she wants or has asked for? If it isn't, then this could be why she isn't asking how you are and is trying to shorten the social contact?

She might not be depressed at all... and just has some heavy things going on that is making her more self-focused.
Being "selfish" does not mean she is depressed, so I think YABU for thinking it does.

I get this. My best friend has no idea that I just got a promotion at work. I have no idea how to even tell her without being insensitive to how rubbish things are right now, but I feel like if I don’t tell her she will be upset that I didn’t. Can’t really win, but I know she is going through an awful time, so I try my best to be sensitive and allow her to focus on herself when we speak

I think YABU on the particular issue, yes. I don't think that depression is an excuse for spitefulness, bullying or scamming. But a lack of reciprocity in conversation is a *social' fault, rather than a crime; and I think that depression, or indeed any serious illness, can excuse it.

One could similarly ask, 'Is cancer an excuse for selfishness?' I don't think it's an excuse for cheating or bullying, but if someone is so preoccupied with their illness that they don't ask after other sufficiently, I would cut them a lot of slack. And most forms of cancer don't directly affect mental and social functioning in the way that depression can.

I don’t think it’s that simple. Yes, depression can sometimes cause people to act in a selfish way, but if it’s a symptom of their illness, they can’t be held fully accountable for it.

Of course some people are selfish regardless of their mental health, and it can be difficult to separate the person from their mental illness.

Was she selfish before she became depressed?

My first thought is is chatting daily too much for her? Even when done with best of intentions it may end up feeling a bit like a chore for her

This

Depression is a very selfish and isolating illness. Not many people have the mental fortitude to cope with a severely depressed friend/relative/partner long-term.

Sorry you don't understand depression OP.

You could look it up maybe?

Why do you want her to ask about you? Is it because you don't think it's fair to talk about her only?

Thanks for all the comments on both sides. I think I am particularly frustrated because her home situation (causing the depression) could be changed but there have been no proactive steps at all for 10 years. Maybe this is what I struggle with, and I would agree that that is selfish on my behalf. But friendship is give and take. I won’t say she has taken, but I sure have given.

I had therapy a few years ago about many things, and I started to wonder at the time if she was a bit of a toxic factor in my life. But I stopped therapy and life moved on and I became less mindful about the friendship. Maybe I am just questioning it altogether again.

No, people shouldn’t be selfish and it’s not really an excuse to treat people badly, but at the same time, depressed people are frequently selfish in some ways, although not purposefully, because the illness is all gripping/consuming. Only a person with very little knowledge would think otherwise.

@Satansgourd I'm struggling a lot at the moment, and I'm grateful for the friends who have stuck by me. If any felt like they had to withdraw for the sake of their own mental health, I would understand. I mean, I know what it's like to be dealing with something all-consuming, and if you didn't have enough mental energy left for me, I'd get it. But I'd hope we could pick up again in the future when at least one of us was more resilient.

I truly believe good friendships don't have to be constant, and a pause is always acceptable. With good friendships, you always pick up where you left off.

I don't think you would be wrong to insist on your friend seeking help in order for you to feel comfortable in the friendship. Your friend can't make herself better, but she can show a willingness to try. You have the right to ask her to try to help ease your concern.

When DD was stuck in deep depression a former colleague told me that depression is a selfish illness. She said when she was suffering, even though she had DC, the first thought upon waking was, ‘how am I today?’