To think that some people who drink a lot continually pressure friends to do the same?

[cathyj77]

I'm interested in genuine thoughts here.

I've never been a big drinker. Drank a bit more when I was younger but never to the point of extreme drunkenness/sickness and these days (I'm mid 40s) never want more than 2 or 3 drinks on a night out, and usually want to get to bed at a civilised hour.

I feel continual subtle pressure from some friends (note: very much not all friends!) to drink more than I do. It's so subtle that if I ever raised anything, they would probably claim I was being over-sensitive - and maybe I am. Hence the request for real feedback.

I'm feeling it keenly this morning because last night I was at a big birthday party where I was very much the most sober person there. But the continual 'oh you're so good!', 'oh you're not leaving already are you?' (at 2am last night!! So it's not like I went to bed at 9.30)... is beginning to get to me.

If you are in a similar position, how do you deal with it? Or, conversely, if you are a big drinker who sometimes does this to light drinkers, why? I don't feel I ever put my friends under any pressure to do the things I enjoy doing and they don't!

I know some people who have quit drinking altogether for this very reason - and they find it's easier to say they don't drink at all (and people then tend to be polite and leave them alone). But I don't want to never drink - I like having a couple of drinks on a night out. But there are some nights out, where I always feel slightly on the edge of things as a result and last night was one of them...

All thoughts and advice welcome!

I couldn't give a fuck if you're drinking or not, I want to have fun with my mates, so yeah I don't want to leave earlier

You'd need to explain why you think it's them wanting you to drink rather than them wanting to be with friends family etc

Yep @araiwa and I would never ask or expect anyone else to leave earlier on my account or suggest they should.

As I said, the remarks are subtle but always there 'oh you're going home already?!' at 2am, for example, or 'oh come on, a few more drinks won't kill you, it's not a proper party if you don't have a massive hangover'. That kind of thing...

I'm sure they don't really care that much but it's not something that happens with any other activity, as far as I can think of... and does feel unique to drinking. None of my friends who smoke have ever said similar about me not smoking, for example!

It's almost like some people feel that an event is less fun if everyone isn't precisely as drunk as they are, for example. And I just don't get that, and there's a slight implication that I'm less fun when not drunk, which I just don't think is true. I'm pretty outgoing and sociable and have lots of friends who seem to like me enough most of the time!

In my experience people ask me to drink as for some unknown reason they feel they can't if not everyone is drinking. Very strange. I don't drink but wouldn't expect other people not to. Likewise I dont like being asked why I'm not drinking on nights out. I don't ask people why they are drinking. Strange norms in the UK around alcohol.

Plenty of drinkers put a lot of pressure on others to drink.

They talk constantly about it, try to persuade people to have another, moan when others drink non-alcoholic drinks.

Not everyone does it of course, but a lot of drinkers are alcohol bores.

I would just have sloped off when I wanted to go

Likewise I dont like being asked why I'm not drinking on nights out. I don't ask people why they are drinking. Actually not a bad response to the question 'why aren't you drinking' would be 'why are you drinking?'

Perhaps they hold some level of guilt over their own drinking and feel your more moderate drinking shows them up.

If you are willing to be “bad” with them, they can tell themselves it’s normal/not unhealthy/not problem drinking.

I used to use the old “I’m driving tonight so not drinking’ or ‘I’m driving early tomorrow to xyz so I’m taking it easy on the booze tonight’

Most people respected that. The odd one would still give it ‘take a drink go on’ etc etc.

I stopped hanging with them as they didn’t care if I got done for drunk driving or ran someone over while drunk. What kind of friend were they. Not mine any more.

Yes I normally would just slope off home without making a big deal of it but for various reasons I couldn’t last night - was on my own, DH not there so people might have worried if I’d just disappeared into the night on my own, I felt it would be rude to not say goodbye to my friend whose birthday it was etc etc.

I do get that people may be doing it to justify their own less than ideal life/health choices but it is still slightly puzzling to me. I probably eat too much, and could definitely do with losing a stone but I don’t pressure people who are ordering salads to get pasta instead, which feels like the equivalent to to me. I think ‘oh good for them, I should do that more often…’ I do think it’s something unique to drinking, in the UK anyway. Suspect it’s a bit different elsewhere.

I get this all the time! My friends think nothing of drinking 3 bottles of wine each on a night out (which could be Friday and Saturday!) but I’d probably land myself in hospital if I did that and I certainly wouldn’t be able to function the next day, which would be a waste of a day. I’d much rather do something fun during the day that sit in a dingy pub drinking, unless there’s dancing involved but then I’m too busy dancing to drink so much.

I find this extremely irritating and tbh I've gravitated away from the friends who do this the most now. The whole "Mummy Wine Time" culture is a sub-variant, I suppose. Depending on what mood I'm in I usually just say "It's not really up to you how much I'm drinking" with a big toothy grin, so that people don't feel too offended, but God knows why I bother - they clearly aren't bothered about offending me by trying to shame me into drinking more!

I get this with some people. I normally just drink half pints and often alternate with lime and soda. I like to stay on the edge of tipsy but not lose control of my behaviour or feel crap and anxious the next day. I don't enjoy being drunk.

I have two friends who do this, I don't mind alcohol but couldn't care less if I never had it again, I can take it or leave it and can enjoy a night out without it.

I'll often offer to drive but they'll nag and nag me to drink and book a taxi and on the times when I do drink they're always topping mine up without asking or if I say I want a water or coke in between drinks they'll bring me an alcoholic one anyway.

I think people like this are trying to justify and normalise to themselves how much they drink, I assume they know they have a problem and are scared to admit it.

I know what you mean but I think you’re being a too precious about it all, I’d just brush it off.
I would say I have a friend who’s stopped drinking altogether and she’s just less fun, always wanting to go home early. That’s her choice but I’m not going to pretend she’s just as fun as she was before.. she’s definitely not. Just being honest here.
I think it’s fine not to drink but still try and be as fun a friend

I get what you're saying, OP. I've always been at the receiving end of nags/digs etc to drink more. Luckily, one of the benefits of getting older is that most dedicated party-people tend to cut back themselves and the pressure lessens over time.

But it used to wind me up. I don't actually enjoy alcohol very much on its own. I like a glass of wine with a nice meal, or perhaps while relaxing in the evening - but I genuinely only want one. When I was young I had an illness which affected my liver and was ordered not to drink for at least 2 years. This perfect excuse helped me get through university with a 'get out of gaol free' card that no-one could argue with, and I was very thankful for that.

One thing I've taken too many years to learn is that heavy drinkers and non-or-light drinkers don't mix well. One of my best friends is a massive boozer (she has now limited herself just to Saturday nights, which I think is sensible and I admire her for that) and she used to get blind drunk on every social occasion. She would talk absolute rubbish when drunk (and said many things which people didn't forgive her for) but at the same time try to stop people leaving the party. I put up with this for far too long, and I now say to any drunk who talks to me: I'm not listening to you because a) you're talking rubbish and b) you'll have absolutely no memory of any of this tomorrow, so it's a waste of everyone's time. Wish I'd done that more in the past!

Im not a big drinker but i have a friend (who i would say has a drink problem) who only really wants to hang out with other drinkers. I think she finds us boring if the rest of us arent drinking, but i think its because she cant enjoy herself without alcohol.

I have another group of friends who dont understand me not drinking on a night out but they dont mention it more than once.

Depends on the characters of the peoppe involved and their own relationship with alcohol i think.

I am in a social group where the drinkers are big drinkers and expect everyone to be the same. If anyone wants to drink less they are teased/cajoled to give and and have another. I'm so fed up of it. ESP as my DH should not be drinking much. They make me feel like the villain for reminding him to stop!! They are not going to face the consequences if he has a heart attack are they??!! Thankfully my DH quit alcohol altogether (which apparently makes him a bore) and this has reduced the constant 'have one more' discussions..

Really interesting, thanks all.

@BHRK Thank you for your very honest response, which I think reveals that there may not be a perfect solution to this. You find your non-drinking friend more boring and less fun (which is completely fair enough), I find very drunk people quite boring and less fun. I basically think no-one is more fun after 10 drinks than they are after 3 (except in their own heads 😂)

So the obvious solution is that people gravitate towards friends who drink similar amounts to them. Which feels like a shame, but maybe that’s the only answer!

This is my parents! I was berated on holiday for being boring because I wasn’t constantly drunk! As I’ve got older I’m happy with having a couple and then stopping, I don’t like feeling rubbish the next day but they equate it to being a bore

If I'm in an environments where I think there will be pressure to drink (eg work events are a good example) I just lie and say I don't drink and have soft drinks. I do like one or two drinks occasionally at home or in a restaurant but absolutely not a binge drinker and sometimes people see this as a challenge to help you loosen up and want to see you get absolutely off your face. I have no time for peer pressure anymore and I think we have a really bad relationship with alcohol as a society in the UK. Call me boring but my liver will thank me in years to come!

That is true. That’s why if I am not in the mood to drink I don’t go out with a drinker and if I’m in the mood to get shit faced I don’t go out with people who don’t drink.
it’s like being high and the other person not, it’s pointless.

Oddly I never feel under pressure to drink at work events, and I work in an industry with lots of alcohol-based socialising. But I think for this reason, there are a lot of people who drink nothing at all anymore because of previous alcohol issues and therefore no-one ever applies any pressure. My family are also moderate drinkers so it’s only ever a few particular friends…

YANBU. I'm not a big drinker and I hate people trying to force me to have a drink. DP is also not a big drinker and offers to be designated driver to get round it. Occasionally I will have a few/get tipsy but I hate being really drunk. I don't mind keeping an occasional eye on people who've accidentally over indulged but I don't make a habit of going out with known heavy drinkers either.

In my experience, people who drink a lot often feel guilty about the amount they're drinking, so pressurise others into keeping up with them.

They don't like the fact that some people can have a great time after one or two - or even no - drinks, and they can't.
I've found that nights out when you're sober or sober-ish are always best ended by 2am. After that point those who have been drinking all night are slurring their words, repeating themselves, and probably won't remember what happens next anyway.
If I'm "boring" for going home at that stage then we have different definitions of boring... I think it's more boring to drink until you're sick and then spend the following morning in bed feeling paranoid and nauseous tbh. I spent enough years in my 20s doing that to not want to waste my 30s and 40s doing the same!