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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be with him

19 replies

paradise12 · 30/04/2023 10:36

I've been with DP for 2.5 years and name changed for this one

He's in love with his ex, whom he dated 14 years ago. For a year. She was horrible to him.

He says he loves me and wants to marry me. Willing to do whatever it takes.

But he admitted he still has feelings for her.

Can I really marry this man? If it wasn't for her I would want to.

But I'll always be second best right?

We're in our mid 30s and he hasn't even seen her since he was 21 for gods sake

OP posts:

Soozikinzii · 30/04/2023 10:39

I think that's more like a crush really ? A bit silly for a grown man to still be rambling on about ? Annoying I'm sure and probably a red flag ?

Inthesamesinkingboat · 30/04/2023 10:40

You’re competing against a memory. What he’s built this woman up to be in his mind, not who she actually is.

how long has she been hanging over your relationship -when did he first mention her to you. Personally I’d want someone who thought I was the best thing on the planet- not that’s I’ll do as a consolation prize.

I know nothing about you OP but I am sure you deserve more

Shoelacesundone · 30/04/2023 10:41

What do you mean he's in love with her? What exactly has he said in what context?

Ingrowncrotchhair · 30/04/2023 10:41

Counselling/therapy to explore these feelings seems the right way to go. These ‘feelings’ for her sound like nothing to do with her at all.
depending on how horrible she was to him, I’d say that could be part of a trauma response.

unless he has therapy, in your shoes, I wouldn’t marry him

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 10:43

I couldn't marry a man who have openly admitted that he still has feelings for someone else.

There are plenty of other men out there, I think it's best that you find someone else who will have feelings for you, and you only.

💐

Ingrowncrotchhair · 30/04/2023 10:43

Not that you should give someone an ultimatum to have therapy!! It’s about a choice you make and what’s right for you

MintyCedric · 30/04/2023 10:43

Is it a first love thing?

I’m very much a believer that most people don’t forget their first love…I certainly haven’t.

But it didn’t stop me moving on and having other relationships and loving other people.

If he genuinely feels he is still in love with her, rather than ‘she’ll always a be a bit different/special because she was my first love’, that is very weird.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 30/04/2023 10:44

I'd worry about him in general, that he can still be so devoted to a memory. It might mean that he builds things up in his head to be much more than they are and can imagine that he'd be the type of person who would continually harp back to a long-ago argument over nothing much at all as, to him, it would have a deep impact.

What sort of man is he generally, OP? Because holding on to the memory (not even a particularly happy one!) of a long-gone relationship with someone who has presumably moved on considerably, isn't all that healthy.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 10:46

It sounds like he is in love with a fantasy and you will never measure up to that.

AntoniaMacaronia · 30/04/2023 11:03

I fear he's messing with your head. Making sure you feel insecure, right from the start. Beware the man who says his ex was horrible. He'll say the same about you one day.

Can I really marry this man? If it wasn't for her I would want to.

She is not the problem.

KimberleyClark · 30/04/2023 11:09

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 10:46

It sounds like he is in love with a fantasy and you will never measure up to that.

This.

AshFordCastle · 30/04/2023 11:12

My take is he is either immature in which case you should leave him or he doesn’t love you as much as you deserve in which case you should leave him. Don’t compromise, you deserve someone who thinks you are fab and really wants to be with you.

W0tnow · 30/04/2023 11:15

I bet she never thinks about him.

Bloopsie · 30/04/2023 12:11

No he is messed up, why dosent he go and find his true love,who has very likely moved on ages ago and also has likely family of her own.

Whever his true love is dosent sound like you are it.

AllOfThemWitches · 30/04/2023 12:13

Lol he really needs to move on

bluebell34567 · 30/04/2023 12:35

it cant be only that obsession.
does he have other red flags?

WandaWonder · 30/04/2023 12:37

Feelings as in wants to be with them or feelings as in 'we have a history I will always be fond of them' type thing?

I get the latter

IDontWantToBeAPie · 30/04/2023 12:44

Sounds like a 'the one who got away' issue. I wouldn't marry him. Bit pathetic that he's hung up on a girl from his youth.

makemineadoublee · 30/04/2023 12:49

Nah fuck that

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