Please help- what to say to DD

[hopelessparent]

My young adult DD is at university and in her third and final year. Unfortunately last year she became very unwell around the time of her exams and coursework submissions. She was admitted to hospital for 2 weeks for a physical health condition which unfortunately spanned the deadline for her submission for several essays, coursework and also the final dates of her exams.

We told her to contact the university and explain the circumstances and that she could get extensions on her coursework and not sit her exams, and her module leader at university said the same- that she should apply for a special circumstances arrangement and she would sit the exams during the summer holidays as a first go. However she was determined to do them (she was totally in denial that she was unwell and was insistent she was fine to sit them). She wanted to get the exams over with and said she could do them anyway as they were online. She did it from a hospital bed in a busy ward with no Wi-Fi connection, which meant she had to do it on her phone which came with its own difficulties with using it for Microsoft word and submitting it. She couldn’t get the exam paper to actually download onto her phone, then struggled to get the answer paper, then was interrupted by obs/ward rounds/other patients and just the general goings on of being in hospital.

She didn’t sit the exams to be a martyr- she hasn’t told any of her friends or course mates that she was in hospital. She said the reason that she sat them was that she had been so worried in the build up to them and by that she said she just wanted them done and out of her life. She had been studying leading up to them but really was not well enough for it to be of any use. After sitting the exams however she regretted it and said she probably should have waited to sit them, however her university had a policy that if someone sits the exam they are saying they are able to do it and so once the exam has been sat they can’t apply for any sort of extra circumstances (or something alone those lines)

She didn’t do as well as she hoped, however she passed every exam and we were and are so unbelievably proud of her determination and perseverance. And the fact that she passed anything never mind everything is just an extra bonus! But she was devastated with her results and is putting tremendous pressure on herself to do better this year or else she will graduate with a poor degree.

We don’t care what degree she gets, and if she tries her best and fails then so be it, but we were unbelievably proud of the fact that she passed anything last year despite being so unwell and in hospital during the exams. But she can’t see that and is beside herself with worry that she did badly and that she has to do better this year.

I suppose what I’m asking is, does anyone have any advice of what I could say to help her? Or does anyone have any words of wisdom or tips about exam stress that I could pass on to her? We’re extremely close and I hate seeing her so stressed out. She is a strong, determined young lady who I am immensely proud of- I could never have passed those exams let alone whilst being so unwell.

Obviously don’t want to be too outing by explaining why she was in hospital, but it was a similar problem to appendicitis (but not that) where she required a lot of investigations, ministering and treatment. She is the type of person who pretends everything is ok- at one point her heart rate was over 160+ and her blood sugar fell to around 2 and she was insistent she was fine and didn’t want to make a fuss because ‘she didn’t want the nurses to miss their lunch’!

I would get her to contact the university counselling and study support services.

Sounds like she needs professional support to manage her stress.

You sound like a lovely mum but other than saying exams are only part of life, and that you love her, are proud of her and will always support her, there is not a lot you can say. I think put yourself in her shoes a bit - saying you don’t care what class of degree she gets is slightly annoying and may lead to her generally not listening to you - it’s her life not yours, she cares, and for good reason.

It may be that once she leaves no one will ask her about her degree ever (no one ever asked me), but it will depend on what she wants to do. It will also be impossible for her to imagine that right now.

I am surprised to hear a uni still has a 'fit to sit' policy, I thought those had largely been done away with now...

Anyway, I would check the policy on the final year % as she may be worrying excessively - for my degree, the final year counted as 70% and the second year only 30%, meaning it was relatively easy to get a good degree as long as you did well in your final year. Also, whatever she applies for in the future will almost certainly have boxes for mitigating circumstances and if she does get a grade she is disappointed with she will be able to explain that she was unwell during her second year exams and how that impacted her final grade.

Pay for some counselling specifically focused on this event, and on what happens next.

does anyone have any advice of what I could say to help her?

To add to the above, what I mean is, you can’t say much to help - she already knows you’re proud of her. She needs an external voice to work this through with her.

My uni has a fit to sit policy (and we are one of few that do) but you can submit exceptional circumstances after the event - it would entail submitting any evidence (hospital admission summary, for example) and a summary explanation. For example, she'd need to explain that she felt it would be better to get the exams done, but in retrospect she wasn't well enough and that impacted her decision. This would then be reviewed and, if accepted, her results would be "expunged" and she'd take them again as a first attempt in resits period.

All universities are different, but there will be some similar process, as they open themselves to appeals if not (and appeals are very time-consuming, so all institutions prefer to avoid them!). She should speak to student services, or her department tutor and get guidance on the steps she needs to follow. I can almost guarantee that it will be possible to resolve! Feel free to PM me if you would like to.

Finals are a time of unavoidable stress - plenty of people put themselves under huge pressure to perform at their best.

Sometimes I still have nightmares about my final exams, 25 years later!

Reassure her - degree class is only extremely relevant if you have a job in mind or academia. My dh got a Desmond and is now happily earning £150k without breaking a sweat. Took him longer to get there but competence and degree class are not always connected.

A good degree opens doors to job interviews but that’s not the only way to open those doors and by the time you’re late 20s already it matters less and less.

Her attitude however does need to change - being determined is one thing, but making poor decisions through stubbornness is another (exams on a hospital Wi-Fi is barmy). She should work on letting go control and thinking wider about how she achieves her goals in life. Not always a straight line from point A to point B.

Oh - sorry - I misread and thought it was about exams this year. It does make more sense in terms of the timing and the online exams!

I'd agree speaking to personal tutor or student counselling (ours has a standard 7-day wait for an appointment now, which isn't bad). But there may still be potential to address the issues of last year's marks. Most universities will have a mechanism to do this, or - if they're aware of extenuating circs - they will consider it automatically when results are ratified. Again, happy to PM if you think it might be helpful 😊

thats true RE saying I don’t care what degree she gets, I hadn’t realised how annoying that must be for her to hear but you’re completely correct.