Is friendship of 15 years over?

[Natalie2821]

My very close friend moved abroad in January before she went she never had time to meet for a coffee or catch up I did try but she was so busy with other things which I understood.

She’s been back for 2 long weekends since and both times hasn’t told me. Even though we frequently message and I say ‘can’t wait to see you, would love to see you on your next visit.’

I don’t want to bring it up with her as I don’t want to make her feel guilty or make her feel that she has to see me as it’s her own choice. However I am really hurt by this and when I see her social media posts and find out she’s here I feel very sad that she didn’t tell me.

I really appreciate and value her friendship and I really want to see her and catch up with her but I don’t feel like the feelings are reciprocated.

AIBU to stop bothering to message her and try and move on with my life without her in it.
Or should I just continue as we are and message her but painfully accept I am no longer someone she wants to spend time.

A really close friend of mine lives abroad these days and does return for brief weekends but only has time to see her mum (and her kids, their grandmother). I'd never expect to see her then as realistically, she hasn't got time.
However when she comes to stay for a week or two, we do meet. This might be the test for you.

What is your friend doing when back in the country? Bearing in mind social media will only show the fun parts. If she met up with friends, maybe it was someone's birthday or someone she hadn't seen for years - ? And she'll get to you next time maybe?

I know it's bitterly disappointing to see that someone has been nearby and hasn't let you know, let alone try and meet up. Don't bank on seeing her... But definitely keep in contact. Once you drop the communication, you lose contact completely, and then you won't be on her list to catch up with anyway! Plus you'll miss her even more. Try to regard her as a pen pal for a while if that helps.

It's odd that she didn't meet you before she went, but equally maybe she had tonnes of packing/paperwork to do, and maybe she fully intends to see you in the future so was less phased by leaving.

I would perhaps suggest a video call (as I do occasionally with said friend) - 'sometime or suggest a time eg next week. She'll either say yes and book one, say yes and nothing gets booked, or recoil from the idea... It's never as much fun as meeting, but helps a little when you miss them.

If you refer to the fact you saw she was back, try not to criticise (even if you want to)!

Friendships do ebb and flow too.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

She did make plans to see me before she went but cancelled them as she said she had so much left to do.

She’s back spending time with her siblings from what I saw as they are all very close she spent time with them the last time she came back too. Although her mum lives a 10 minute walk away, in the past, before she moved away, we’ve just met for a walk or a coffee or she’s popped in for a cuppa. So it’s not much effort on her part at all.

I do feel that she might be avoiding me and doesn’t want to see me in person, but she hasn’t openly told me whether she has a problem with me.

She does care a lot about what people think of her and doesn’t like to upset people and will avoid confrontation.

I’m just wondering if she is continuing our friendship so that I’m not hurt and really she doesn’t want to see me anymore.

I think if I stopped messaging her or making an effort it would sizzle off and maybe that’s what needs to happen for me to realise she doesn’t value our friendship as much as I do.

It sounds like she stopped being a close friend even before she went abroad.

You’ve told her you’d like to see her, she hasn’t taken you up on it.

Don’t message her again, if she messages you, keep it polite but don’t suggest a meet up.

I have a ‘turn by turn’ policy with most friends, if I have initiated a meet up a couple of times, I wait for them to initiate the next one. You don’t want to become the one who initiates every catch-up, it makes people complacent.

I don’t understand people like the first poster who come up with a million reasons to try and excuse someone’s behaviour. Sure, maybe her aunt’s neighbour’s kid’s horse was sick and she had to step in and help. But also given the fact she hasn’t even given you the respect of telling you she’s going to be in the country twice, I’d say this friendship is over and I’d cut my losses and move on.

Honestly, for clarity, you could just ask. Let her know you’re feeling worried as you haven’t seen her, she’s been back a few times and is there anything she needs to talk about?

It’s either that or just letting it fizzle out, if it does, or go on with the uncertainty until she contacts you. If the friendship is a good one just simply asking will give you the answer. You either keep the door open or it’s closed, and you’re not in this in between space wondering if she’ll pop up.

The thing with stopping messaging people/marking an effort is that - I have found, eg with friend I've mentioned above (who really upset me once) - sometimes we think we're testing a friendship, but the other person just gets lost in the busyness of life and doesn't notice almost! Not great (at all) but it's almost not personal and not necessarily them breathing a sigh of relief that you're out of their life!!

I honestly would give it time and see how it develops when she's adjusted to her new life abroad and her routine of visiting. Just keep the channels open by messaging. If someone really doesn't wait to meet, they wouldn't keep saying they want to (I hope) - you're more likely to just not say anything...

(If all else fails, you can employ 'cat psychology' - 'I'm having a great time and don't need you' ... They come running to have a fuss :-) )

I moved away from a place and used to get quite stressed with people saying “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back, we could have done X” when I didn’t have time to meet up with everyone. I stopped telling people when I was coming back unless I was making plans with them.

That said, it’s hurtful from someone you thought you were close to.

Yes the friend I mentioned in my reply gets that too... When she's driven half way across Europe for two breakasts, two lunches and two dinners with the mother she hasn't seen for months: some of us know realistically she hasn't got time for everyone but know she'll book us in when she comes over for longer :-)

When my sister moved away, every time she came home for a weekend, she went out with her friends. (Like she would have always done while living at home) Then she realised that if she didn’t spend time with her family while at home then she never would see us!

After a bad weekend spent racing around trying to meet her friends, she realised how little effort they were making, she changed completely, stopped telling friends she was coming home and only saw family on her visits.

It’s very hard to get the balance right but now she has it after a few years.

She now tells her friends she is ‘home’ and they can call to see her if they want to but she doesn’t spend the weekend trying to chase around after people, she spends it very wisely.

Give your friend a chance to figure things out and after a few more trips home, she might get the balance right too. Also, one of her family may be sick or there is something else going on, I would advise giving her space and time and hope for the best.

The last WhatsApp message I sent her was on Thursday which has been left unread. Although she would have seen it as she’s been online since then. I asked her how things were and if she was settled in now.

I will not message again as will wait for her response first.

I appreciate she might not have time but I would rather her say that instead of promising she will see me when she is next visiting.

We are living completely different lives right now, I am on Mat leave with my 2 young DC and she is single, enjoying nights out, gigs, meals out, meeting new people.

She’s roughly an hours flight away.

i would have absolutely loved to have seen her this weekend so would have my DC.

She’s contracted abroad for at least 2 years, I feel that until she possibly moves home in the future again that she may never have time to see me.

When you move away, it's hard to see everyone on long weekend visits. We moved about 200 miles away and often joke we are going back in secret to see people. Everyone thinks 'oh quick pop in for a coffee, that's not too much to ask' but in reality it is, you just can't see everyone and it sounds like she is prioritising her family which is fair enough.
Yabu

If a friendship isn't meeting your needs you've no obligation to continue with it.
If it's actively making you feel shit, rightly or wrongly, then you don't have to put up with that.
It sounds like you need more from your friendships, it definitely seems a shame but if it's hurting you then it's not unreasonable to walk away.
An alternative might be to seek therapy if you would prefer to be more comfortable with this, as to be honest it seems that you could be overreacting compared to average.

Hard to know op I def wouldnt chase her. I let a few friends go last year catch up soon x but they would never commit..... its hurtful though

I think you are right to stop messaging her.

@Natalie2821 friendships really change over time, sometimes drastically, and sometimes slowly they morph into something one person wasn't expecting. I think we don't often talk about the feelings of loss those changes can bring for one of the friends, if not both, even though one is usually the instigator.

I would try to keep things light. Maybe right now with all the changes she just can't be what you expect or are used to. Give her the space she needs and leave things in her court for a while. If every time your name pops up she feels guilt at not seeing you, she will likely further avoid you. If she hasn't messaged in a month, I'd send a little text saying something along the lines of "thinking of you and hoping you are enjoying your new life in xyz. xx" she's more likely to reply if she doesn't associate your text with any demands. Relationships and communication can't be one sided, but it won't always be 50/50 either.

I'm hoping your friend can at least message you soon and that brings you some comfort!