AIBU to not see sons Grandparents more?

[Billie1992]

DH and I have a son who is 4 months old. It’s the first grandchild on DHs side and third on mine. We live very close to DHs parents whereas mine live much further, this means his parents see DS for shorter visits more regular and mine can go 6-8 weeks (sometimes more) without seeing him but then when they do it’s for a whole weekend.
We don’t have a set schedule but we make sure we see DHs parents every other week for a good 3-4 hours.
They seem to be getting increasingly frustrated that they don’t see our son enough. They also seem to think when we do see them that they need to be holding the baby the entire time or it doesn’t count, but sometimes DS doesn’t want to be held, needs to be fed (he’s BF) or wants to be held by me and they take any of those things as me trying to keep him from them.
They now seem actively hostile when we see them and it’s making me want to see them less. I also find myself very tense that I need to immediately hand over my baby when they come round even if it’s not right for him (or me).
AIBU to think seeing them every other week is enough/normal? And to not want to just hand over my son when we’re with them?

What are they saying/doing to show this frustration? And what's your dh doing about it?

A 3-4 hour visit is a long time with a 4m old especially if they live close. Personally I'd be having much shorter visits, up to an hour tops, and trying to time them around feeds/naps so it was quality time rather than quantity. I can't imagine its enjoyable for anyone stuck together for 4 hours waiting for the baby to be 'available' to them. Shorter visits also give DH opportunity to go alone with the baby between feeds, and give you a break.

They make a lot of comments to DH that they “haven’t seen him for ages” if they haven’t seen him for a week. DH is trying to manage it by making sure we always have something in the diary with them so they know when they’ll next see him but they don’t think it’s frequent enough

I thought the same but when we try and do shorter visits they just make excuses to eek it out to be longer or complain they haven’t spent long enough with him when we leave

They’re being too pushy. I would back off with baby and set firm boundaries now.

I think your DH has to be blunt with them if politeness isn’t working. You have to fit in other things (seeing your family, seeing friends, doing things yourself etc) so every other week is as regular as you will see them. He needs to tell them that being demanding, along with their behaviour when you do visit, is making you all want to see them less, not more.

Then the balls in their court.

the key is how often you saw them before you had DS.

If you saw them a lot more frequently before he came along I can understand that they might be a bit confused/hurt, but they are going to have to adjust their expectations.

If they didn't bother before he came along but now they are pushing for access to him, sod them! You don't owe anyone access to your child if they haven't got a good relationship with you and DH.

Do you always go to them - and if so, is that what you prefer? Isn’t it easier to manage feeds, naps, changes etc in your own house? Plus, you can get on with stuff in another room while they hold him, assuming he’s in the right mood for that.

I’d be inclined to suggest shorter but more frequent visits - 4 hours with someone who is huffing at you the whole time sounds like a nightmare.

Oh we get this- it is tedious. They don't realise it has pushed us away. Every visit starts with 'we haven't seen you in ages' and ends with 'we need to see you more often' as if the actual act happening at that very moment of seeing them is not happening.

I know it's tricky with such a young kid but can't you just step right back and let your DH deal with this. They are his parents let him deal with them and let him take on the 'mental load' of dealing with them. He can take the baby over whenever he wants and you can stay home and relax.

I'd suggest letting your DH take the baby over to see them for a couple of hours every week to give you a break, making sure he has just been fed before he goes, then back for his next feed.

You can then "relax" for 2 hours!

I have the same scenario with my parents and in-laws. My parents stay for a few days as they live so far away, then in the school holidays I'll often stay with my parents for a week, especially if DH hasn't got any holiday. When the in-laws see my parents (Christmas), MIL is forever moaning that my parents get to see the kids more than them!

One summer, MIL insisted she and FIL wanted to take the 3 kids (then aged 3, 3 and 8) out for the day. She has multiple health issues, overweight so can't run after them, very poor eye sight, heart condition... I asked what time did she want us (me and 3 kids) to get there to meet them (it was an hour away), and then I realised she meant taking them without me! Er... NO WAY! She certainly wouldn't cope physically in a water park with 3 kids! She then didn't contact us for the rest of the summer holiday as she was sulking over this!

Hubby needs to set them straight.

It sounds tricky. I always explained to visitors when they arrived the expected schedule if there would be feeds, naps etc. DH's parents are great, but wanted lots more time actually with us, so we would schedule for them to come and have a takeaway. Because the visit was long and not rushed, they felt happy, while we did all the normal stuff like getting DS ready for bed, eating dinner etc. My PIL are nice to hang out with, so it might not work, but just a suggestion that dinner means extra time goes quite easily. We do the same with DM, but lunch!!

This. I had a near identical thread, I didn’t take the advice, I thought we’d all middle through. DH said his parents meant well and were just excited and to ignore them.

It all came to a head in November when his mum went mad about first birthday plans; randomly. She scared the life out of DS. We haven’t seen them since and they haven’t asked about DS at all, although they’ve contacted DH.

Set boundaries now, or it’ll all fall apart. Strong ones.

Thank you for all the comments/advice, DH has agreed he needs to tackle this more directly.

In terms of DH taking him to them for a couple of hours this is tricky as DS feeds very frequently (usually only an hour in between) but we’re starting to introduce a bottle so this might be an option in future.

They can be very defensive so hopefully this won’t explode but then if it does I suppose that was always going to happen at some point!

Oh man, I know this one as I had very similar. It's always commenting on how long it's been since they've seen my little one... It's been two weeks, chill out 😂. I understand and appreciate that they love and care for them, but we also want to muddle through and do life. I spoke quite honestly with my partner about how it was making me feel and actually giving me the ick and he has been good at making sure we have family time just us and not being at the beck and call of them. Equally, I make a point whilst on mat leave to invite mil round for a few hours to see baby. Surprisingly, never been taken up on it. Always more convenient at there's I assume 😂.

*theirs