I feel so guilty - AIBU?

[Undermyredumbrella]

I can’t rationalise this in my muddled brain right now and am probably being unreasonable.
I don’t want to drip feed so will give a background for context but sorry if it does dribble on.
So, my parents are both 80. We have always been close and they live around the corner from me.
5 years ago my lovely mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. This disease is cruel, it’s taken away the adult and left a small child in her place. She is doing ok and still remembers us but is losing her Independence day by day.
My dad is not a natural caring type of man and struggles with everything but does ok. I go round to theirs most days.
I do all of mums paperwork, her hospital and doctors appointments (she has some other health issues), I order and collect her prescriptions, I change and wash their bed sheets, cut mums nails, take mum to and from a day centre once a week and just generally there for them.
Up until last year I was doing all of the above and all of their washing and drying, washing and drying mums hair several times a week etc until I had a mini breakdown over it, needed time off from my part time job as a PA to a disabled lady and wore myself out. Dad is in good health and as much as he didn’t want to do it, I left him the responsibility of their washing and drying and I got a hairdresser in to wash and blow dry mums hair once a week.
My sister, who also lives nearby comes in twice a week, one of those she cleans as she has her own cleaning business and therefore all of the equipment etc and happy to do it.
My parents have a LOT of money invested but my dad refuses to inject any of this into helping my mum even though most of it is inheritance from her parents! Mum also receives attendance allowance which just builds up, hardly touched even though it needs to be used.
Last year I insisted on getting a carer in. The carer has been coming in once a week, for an hour to sit with mum to give dad a little break. He feels the £22 per hour is too much and let her go this week, even though I had told her we need her soon to help mum shower in the mornings!
Mum was also going to a day centre for 3 hours, once a week. I would take and collect her, she loved it even though each week she would forget where she was going and get a little anxious about it but was fine once there as they are wonderful with her. This was £55, again dad said this was expensive so ended it! He then moaned continuously since saying he never gets a minute to himself!! I insisted mum goes back to the day centre as he was letting her sleep on and off all day which is so bad for her, the day centre is good for her brain activity. So a few weeks ago I started taking her back on a Wednesday afternoon 12.30-3pm. At £55 for the afternoon and £7 for a cooked from scratched meal dad thinks this is a rip off, constantly moans.
I am constantly stressed o because of my parents.
The last 6 years have felt like I am wading through concrete. I have had 5 years of school refusal with my (now) 17 year old son, it was so very stressful every morning, the school or GP never helped, he would scream every moaning and say he wanted to kill himself. All the school would do is threaten me with fines, they promised to help but never delivered. I eventually found a counseller myself and things have been better since he left school.
My 15 dd is on a waiting list for an adhd assessment as she too struggles at school and I am forever having SEND meetings etc. My dc are my priority but my dad always moans about them and tells me I do way too much for them and that I am a ‘soft touch’. He seems to think that I should dedicate my time to him and my mum and let my kids get on with it which winds me up something senseless as I brought my dc into this world and whilst I am alive I will always be there for them but dad seems to thinks the roles should be reversed when it comes to him - he has never really done much for me over the years tbh.
We then lost my mil 3 years ago during Covid, she had suffered greatly from bowel cancer and her death was just awful.
Then, last year, I lost my beloved ddog, he was the light of my life and kept me going and I am still grieving so much for him. We now have a rescue, we love him dearly but he is very hard work due to his past history, we are working on him but dad thinks we should give him up, that he takes up too much of my time.
So, basically things have been a tad shit, every day shit I know but it has left me with a lot of struggles.
For decades I have struggled with a functional gut disorder and anxiety/depression, these have all reared their ugly head over the last few years. I now have daily, and very controlling, digestive issues and dispute endless tests and following a strict diet and medication etc I am very much struggling. You can also thrown in the wonderful perimenopause (I am 50) and I can honestly say that I am feeling like a bag of crap every.single.day!
My dad is fully aware of this but doesn’t give a damn tbh. Every time I try to talk about my health issues he changes the subject (usually about him).

Anyhow, one thing my dad goes on about all the time is how much he would like to go back to playing golf, something he did a lot before mum’s diagnosis.

He recently bumped into an old golfing buddy and they agreed to meet up for a game one Wednesday afternoon . I said this was great as mum would be at the day centre and I can pick her up etc to give him the full afternoon.
He rang me up yesterday sounding very upbeat, said he’d arranged to go golfing this coming Wednesday. He then went on to say that he would be leaving at 8.15am (mum and I don’t leave for the day centre until 11.30 when I come over). I said to him how is that going to work? You can’t leave mum on her own for nearly 3 hours (she will stress and panic as her memory is literally 5 minutes long), he then went quiet and said he hadn’t given it any thought. I had him on loud speaker and dh was home. My dad proceeded to put on this quiet, little lost boy/woe is me voice saying that he’d have to ring an cancel. I asked him why he didn’t check with me to see if was convenient for me and that he knows the mornings are not good for me (my digestive issues are so bad in the mornings and I need to be at home and near a toilet, I also have to take dd to the bus stop and walk the dog all bloody difficult when you feel as rough as hell), he said he didn’t give it any thought but sounded so crestfallen so automatically I felt awful. I said why don’t we see if the carer can come back for Wednesday mornings from 8-10.30 I can then get there at 10.30 and take over. He said absolutely not, he’s not laying out £22 per hour and if I can’t do it he’ll ring my dsis and get her to do it then he’ll pay her and she can clean. I said she works full time, you know that and has clients to commit too, she can’t just give up work. He said he would still ask her (I checked with her and she said absolutely not).
My husband was fuming (my dad winds him up with his tight fisted behaviour and sees how much this is stressing me out) and wanted to go round and have a word which has just stressed me even more because I can’t be having a big family upset on top of it all because my dad will never see that he could be unreasonable in all of this and will just get stroppy with me, causing me more anxiety.

I am honestly so bloody worked up over this now. I feel so guilty that my dad had an opportunity to some free time and I’ve said no to helping out.
I have tossed and turned all night but I am also angry that he has £400 fucking grand in the bank and refuses to spend any on getting help in for my mum.

I feel between them, my work, my kids, my dh etc I have a million plates spinning in the air and am ready to let them all come crashing down.

You are not being unreasonable and I'm very sorry you're in this position.

Tip-toeing round your dad doesn't seem to be helping as much as you hope it will. Perhaps if your husband wants to go round and tell your dad some home truths, then just let him. Yes it might make things worse in the short term, but I don't think you can just keep doing the same things and hoping that your dad will see sense.

Aww, I really feel for you, that's all so tough to have to deal with. It's not unreasonable to wish things were a bit different. That's a LOT to be dealing with on a daily basis.

I'm an absolute bugger for trying to stand up to my parents, it's hard at the best of times but your dad sounds like an immovable boulder who has no intention of shifting when it comes to his opinions (and funds.)
In your ideal world, what things would you change if you could? What's your ideal outcome?
(Excluding the unfortunate illnesses that you can't do anything about.)

I told my (stingy) dad that if he didn't start using the AA I would report him for not using it. Then got carers in twice a day and dropped my visits to once a week.

Cruel to be kind.

You are your mums advocate here op and your dad is financially abusive.

it’s not for him to determine the cost/value of things.

can you arrange for the attendance allowance to be paid to you so you can spend it on your mum? An adult social worker might help you here. Try age concern too.

This. Can you speak to someone who works on the allowance side of things and get them to talk to him to explain what the money is for?

What on earth is he scared of, spending that money? What's his intention for it? Seek first to understand then be understood as the saying goes.

Finally just one of the things you are dealing with would tip someone over the edge, so how you are dealing with them all is remarkable really and not surprised you had a breakdown. Please take care of yourself. You matter too.

Your DF is 80, elderly hinself, and looking after someone who's needs are not that much easier to manage than that of a small child.
Does he worry about money? It doesnt sound like hes spending it on himself, so much as saving it for a rainy day. Does he understand current costs? Could you make him see that the AA is to pay for some of the new needs, that theyd not be getting it if these needs werent costly, its not something theyre given unless extra costs are needed.

Can you try a different angle. That youre worried for him, you know how much he does, but that you cant do any more than you already are, and that you want to start being able to spend some of the limited time you have just chatting and hanging out, not doing any more chores.
I imagine he is weary, lonely, bored anxious... and whilst he's not behavibg well, and likely is manipulative, he probably was disappointed to miss out on his golf (!). Is he maybe just so overwhelmed by his own life that he genuinely didnt consuder yours?

if you could find a way to connect with him over your DM's care it might make it easier to influence him to do the right thing!
So sell DM's trip out on a Wednesday as being respite for him as much as its good for her.
And if he had a carer visit to sit with DM and help her with hair washing, etc on another day, that would allow him a couple hours break.
Be wary of chastising him for allowing too much daytime sleeping or whatever.

But OP, really you deserve a saibthood, not feelings of guilt!

Op, if the AA goes to your mum and your have poa then is there a reason you can’t use it? It’s not to bolster your dads savings.

CarrotCake01 the ideal scenario I personally would like to see is a carer coming in every morning to help mum get washed and ready for the day, they then become known and established so when extra care is needed they are already in place. It would be great to see mum go to the day centre, all day, twice a week. That would then give dad at least two days respite. A few long weekends or few days of respite care in a care home a few times a year would also benefit dad. Then the rest of the time would be left for dsis and I to actually spend time with our parents as a parent/child relationship should be, we could take mum out for lunch or for a drive etc without the added stress of having to remember to do all that we do for them as is the current situation. That would be the best outcome I can think of right now, before mum deteriorates too a point where a care home is the only solution.
Tigofigo I truly believe dad’s biggest fears regarding the money is that if they spend any of it now there may not be enough to pay for mum when she will need to go into a care home. He does often ask me what happens if the money runs out as he is fully aware just how expensive dementia care is. He is also worried he will be left with nothing to live on even though his financial advisor has assured him that won’t happen.
Saz12 You’re right, dad doesn’t spend money on himself, he is quite frugal. He is afraid the money will run out or there won’t be enough to cover care home fees should mum need to go in a home for several years. I think he is hoping we can all muddle through without paying for a carer. As someone else mentioned, I don’t think he realised how much carers charge, like they would do all that for minimum wage or something! He is definitely so very overwhelmed by this awful disease and how draining it is for them both that he has become a bit blinkered to the affects it is having on the rest of the family too. I feel for him so much but it’s so hard repetitively banging your head against the wall and I’m often accused of coming up with madcapped suggestions when all I am doing is trying to offer some suggestions to help eases his life a little. It must be so very difficult for him but would be a million times worse if he didn’t have dsis and I to help and call upon, we literally pull our hair out trying to find solutions to his pain.

Op I am so sorry. I agree with a PP- your dad is financially abusing your mum. It is HER money and he is watching her (and you!) suffer rather than spending it. He is horrendously selfish. I’d be tempted to let your DH go and talk to him; he may listen.

Make changes for the sake of your own children, your health and your lovely mum. Get together with a sister and make a plan like the one you mentioned above involving carers, twice weekly day Centre visits and respite care. You can do it!

This is a stressful situation but all I can hear is that you run around doing everything for everyone else except yourself. This isn’t a long term plan. You will live a sad and stressful life and the die unless you draw some boundaries and start letting other people deal with their problems. YOUR health and YOUR wellbeing is just as important as your family’s. Why does it get no attention? Why is it that you think you don’t deserve a break but your dad does?

you have to change.