To demand a separation/divorce?

[Thehonestbadger]

We have a 3 & (almost) 2yo, eldest is autistic and very hard work. It’s completely exhausting and a bit soul destroying tbh.

I was forced out of a job I loved to care for DS who couldn’t manage in childcare. He does now manages a few hours a week whilst I do the shop/chores but it’s not much and I’ve become completely isolated and miserable. Having both of them just makes everything carnage and no one wants to be our friends because DS’s behaviour is daunting.

DH works long hours and changing shifts including some nights. He works 60 hours a week but is also pursuing advancement which needs 10-15 hours a week on top. He classes this all as ‘work’ and neither of us have any hobbies, social life…etc him through choice and me because his hours are so variable I never have reliable childcare to commit to anything. Ever.

He has no energy, he’s like a black cloud to live with and our relationship ended a while ago. Different bedrooms. He is great with the kids when forced to have them but resents having to parent and him ‘never having enough time to do what he needs to’ - meanwhile I don’t have enough time to feed myself and shower 👍🏻 always massively overdue on DS’s paperwork and playing catch up. Neither of us get much downtime but he gets more than me. Any I extract is viewed as me being selfish or generally not doing a good mumming job. He’s respectful, doesn’t name call or swear but equally treats me with total contempt and frequently ignores me. I just don’t see what I’m getting from this trade at all?!? Other than depression, resentment and the overwhelming feeling that I’m constantly underperforming.

I told him I wanted to divorce this morning (not a shock as have been expressing for a while I’m deeply unhappy) and he just rolled his eyes and told me he was too tired to discuss it. Family tell me it’ll get better as DD grows up and to try and stick it out for the kids.

What would you do?

Divorce. You don't need his permission to get the ball rolling. Get some advice about the financial aspect and the children.

Your situation sounds awful OP, but I just wanted to say that you sound like an amazing mother to those children. This will get better. I can only imagine how exhausting and draining it is for you (we have similarly aged children and can't imagine how having to deal with any additional diagnosis would be on top of that!) I am not for a minute suggesting that your DH is being fair on you at all, BUT everyone deals with massive life pressures incredibly differently. I wonder if your life would really be happier without him? It would be amazing if you could get the chance to spend some time together- those days will come again, albeit not soon. Perhaps divorcing is not the answer, but finding a way to work together through it might be (although that takes him to make the effort too of course). Sending you lots of love.

It's a lot cheaper & easier if you have an amicable no fault divorce.

If it were me, I'd keep talking to him about what would he like to do, to make sure his future parenting relationship is good, the kids are provided for, the assets get fairly divided, the divorce proceeds as well as it can. Assume it will happen, just a matter of figuring out details. If he isn't coming round within 2 weeks then you can consider how to proceed another way.

Speak to a solicitor and get things underway. He sounds like my ex (who I am currently still living with) hopes inertia will mean that he can cling on to the current situation longer.

I will second that this sounds like a hellish situation. You sound like you're doing a heroic (if totally unfair) job.