To ask if your DC self regulate their bedtime?

[Goinggoinggone1]

Ds1 is 13 and Autistic.

Recently he has decided that during school holidays and weekends he'd like to stay up until late gaming with friends as that's the time most of them play.

I understand his need to want to fit in etc but with his ASD, anxiety and previous burnouts the sleep disruption worries me. During the Easter holidays he had a sleepover and they stayed awake until 4am. He was then awake at 8am (as he's always been an early riser) but visibly he was tired and cranky. He then stayed awake until 2 or 3am the next few nights and learned to sleep in until lunchtime so made up for lost sleep and woke up in a better mood.

I'd say until the age of 10/11 by 8pm he was in bed and fast asleep within minutes and 9pm on weekends. Over the years this has slowly crept forward and now school nights are 9.30pm (but he faffs about in his room for an hour), and weekends 11pm until now that is, and wants to be up until very late.

I've always been very particular about routine mainly for his sake and being in bed at a decent hour but I currently feel I need to pick my battles with him. Not entirely sure whether it's puberty or PDA traits but he's rebelling SO much and I feel like I'm losing all control and my sanity. If I say no he digs his heels in even more. I don't mind if he stays up late on the odd occasion and sleeps in to make up for it but surely not every weekend? How do I teach him to self-regulate so he knows to listen to his body? He's autistic which of course complicates things. He has an addictive personality and when he starts a game doesn't want to get off. I'm currently the enemy and a nag but I want him to realise himself how important sleep is and not to mention the problems of excessive screen time.

Help! Any tips on teaching an ASD kid to self regulate?

You need to understand that even though your kid is on the spectrum, he is also a teenager. And he will be an adult in no time.

Even severely disabled autistic kids (were talking non verbal, here) change a lot when they reach puberty.

Trying to micromanage your childs bedtime will be painful for both of you.

I definitely did not have a bed time at 13, much less one as early as 9.30 or 11! Probbly hadnt even had dinner by 9.30!

We are having the same issue. Except DS doesn't have any friends so gaming in the evening is not something he's asking for. He has quite strict gaming though (max 2 hours a day and not after we've eaten in the evening, no devices in the bedroom).

Right now, I'm insisting bedroom at 9 on a school night and I go and check around 930 and suggest I turn off the light. I insist it's off when I go to bed (usually 1030 latest). DS has to be up at 615 and if he hasn't had enough sleep is ahem not very easy to deal with.

Honestly, I don't know how you teach them to self regulate. On the days he has stayed up very later we don't tolerate any bad behaviour or complaints about tiredness or doing whatever needs to be done - constantly explain it's because he stayed up too late, didn't have enough sleep and needs to go to bed earlier tonight. I think the only way is to let them "fail" if you like and figure it out for themselves. Maybe you can do this at a time that that it's easiest for you to deal with the fall out? Week before the holidays? Speak with school to let them know what you're doing so they can reinforce the "you look tired" message?

PS, I still had a bed time at 18 and it definitely wasn't as late as 11 except on a weekend!

You had a pre 11 bed time as an adult ? enforced by someone else or your own choice? 11pm then sleeping a bit other is totally normal for any teen. Their bodies are pretty much programmed that way at this age. Obviously doesn't work on school days but absolutely should be given the option at weekends and holidays

All mine do now, (teenagers) but they love their sleep so will either sleep in or go to bed early the next night if they are tired.

This is completely alien to me...

By 16 I was going clubbing every other weekend. By 18 I pretty much did whatever I wanted.

During the week my mom would maybe try to convince me to go to bed not long after midnight, but it was more a suggestion than a rule. I never missed school or was late.

From about 8 I used to be sent to bed at 10:30. The end of News at Ten was bedtime. Then I used to read until after midnight. I'm astonished at teenage kids being sent to bed at 9pm. Is this really normal? On MN it seems it is.
At infant school I went to bed at 9, and when I started primary got an extension to 10, then 10:30. By 13 I pretty much went to bed when I liked and read till I liked-usually bed around 11:30 and reading till 1 and sometimes 2 depending on the book. Are there really teenagers being sent to bed at 9pm? In my spouse's country, BTW, high school kids are usually doing extra school until 9pm.

Dd is 13 and ds1 is 15. He is autistic and has adhd. He is actually better at regulating himself than dd is.

Both have time limits on their phones so they can't use them after a certain time. And they just to to sleep then. I think they need to recognise that they have responsibility for their body and how it feels and sleep is part of that.

mine (16 and 12) need to be quiet in their rooms after 23.00 during the school holidays, as I still have to get up for work. The wifi goes off at 23.00 (for my benefit, not theirs, otherwise I'm on Netflix 'til the wee small hours) so they're normally asleep by midnight.

they have early commitments on a Saturday, so no late Fridays, but Saturday nights are a free for all.

In the week the 12yo goes to bed at 22.00 and the 16 year old at 23.00 - again, same as me. It's a small house and I'd get no sleep if they were up half the night.

I have 3 (potentially autistic-waiting for diagnosis) dc. Until they were about 8/9 I'd send them to bed. But as they got older they'd spend more time in their rooms anyhow so usually go to bed when they are tired. Though I'll remind dc3 (13) at 10 that it's late. Weekends/School holidays they can stay up as late as they want.

The expectation on my kids was they went to bed about 9:30-10:30. I didn't micromanage but if they were very late I intervened.

I would not allow the late gaming. My priority was their health and education. Humans need sleep to function.

My 13 year old can regulate in that he knows when he is tired. But he also can't sleep late - 7am would be a dream, let alone 8am! If he has very little sleep one night, he might take himself off to bed at 8.30 the following night, but you wouldn't notice it during the day.

My 11 year old totally self regulates, and will go to bed early, or sleep late.

The bedtime rule in this house is screens downstairs, child upstairs at 8pm/9pm. Lights out is up to them. Many, many of their peers have screen access after our cut off. I'd say we are one of the tougher families in terms of screen off time.

My Ds 13 goes to bed at 9.30 school nights. He is pretty good at doing this for himself and if we don't go in at 9.30 to say goodnight he'll come in and remind us it's his bedtime. Tbh I tend to go to bed then too, we are all up at 6.30.
Also all teenagers will claim their friends are allowed all sorts of perks that they are not, I think these are largely exaggerated (having met most my dcs friends parents). Even if some are allowed up until midnight gaming on school nights doesn't mean it's a good thing or that you are unreasonable for not wanting that for your own child.

Weekends yes, school nights no, up until 16/year 12.

DS is 6 and autistic/adhd - he can regulate his own bedtime when screens aren’t involved. During the week the routine is shower, stories together and then independent reading in bed for 7pm. I usually tell him I will come in for 8pm and then it will be lights out and about half the time he’s already asleep by then. The rest
of the time he’s just settling down for sleep anyway.

at the weekend he’s allowed to watch tv in bed after stories for the same amount of time. He will never ever be asleep when I go in and would stay up all night if I allowed it! I have to take the tv control out of the room at 8pm.

When you say “surely not every weekend”, why not?
The only rule I have at weekends and during school holidays is that if something is planned they can’t complain they’re too tired to do it if they’ve chosen to stay up late the night before.

Dd1 (12) is fairly good at self regulating. Goes to bed 8.30 currently and her choice switches her light off after reading at 9pm, she's up 6.30 for school I only usually have to wake her up on Mondays.

Dd2 only 10 still, but often awake later despite an earlier bedtime often still awake when we go to bed 9.30/10ish. I have to wake her every day at 6.45. I'm not sure if because she is too young to self-regulate or just a night owl, probably a bit of both.

Fridays both are up later usually bed is between 9-10.

My autistic dd is 12 and has always been a night owl, recently I’ve give up the battle to get her to sleep at regular times. Her phone is blocked at 9:30, I go to bed at 10pm and after that she tends to read or else she gets bored and starts ‘organising’ her room. The other night I was woken at 1am by the sound of her noisily putting new sheets on her bed because she fancied a change 🤦‍♀️
At weekend she will sleep until really late if I let her so I do wake her up if she’s not up by 9:30/10am or else she would completely reverse her days and nights within a couple of days. I find making sure she gets up in the morning more helpful than trying to force her to go to sleep at night.

I have a 15 year old DS, we are all in bed by 10 - 10.30 during the week! He has to be in his room, PS5 off, I'm sure he is awake longer but I need to go to sleep so he can't be up. At the weekend / school holidays he can do what he likes. He's learnt though to go to bed at a decent time if he has to be up earlier in the morning so he's not too tired (plays sport).

My asd 14 year old is very like @Bk1000 describes. She self regulates her bedtime and as long as she continues to be able to get up for school (I have to get her up, she sleeps through alarms) and performs well in lessons, then she can put herself to bed when she likes. She has been a night owl since birth and I think by the time she was 8 we realised trying to enforce an "appropriate" bedtime was causing more harm than good. She says she's always asleep by 1am but usually before midnight. It works for her.

Thanks for all the responses. It seems a lot of the DC are able to listen to their bodies and go to bed when tired. This is what I think DS struggles with as he would continue playing into the wee hours fighting sleep as his friends are all still online.

So DS was up til 2.30am and then awake for the day at 9.30. I feel really he needs 8+ hours of sleep to then not be a grumpy and moody sod!

So his friends (presumably of a similar age) are doing the same. I honestly do think you have to loosen then reins a bit here. He is a few years off being an adult. He’s not doing anything dangerous, simply staying up late. It’s him that has to suffer the consequences of being tired the next day and he’s choosing to do so because having fun gaming with his friends is more important to him than being bright eyed a bushy tailed on a Sunday morning!
Maybe you can agree on a compromise, for example, Friday night reasonable bedtime time, Saturday night for gaming where he can stay up?

Yes his friends pull 'all-nighters' where they stay up playing until 5 or 6am and then sleep all day. As I said I don't mind on the odd occasion but not on a regular basis. With his Autism he is easily dysregulated, after his last burnout his executive functioning skills haven't been the same and he's just slowed down massively in day to day skills. When he hasn't had enough sleep he's even slower and grumpy on top.

I know a couple of 17/18 year olds (one is a close relative) who have altered their body clock since lockdown and now they're unable to sleep until early hours of the morning and sleep all day. They've lost interest in college and surviving off 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night midweek when they do attend. I guess that's my bigger worry if it became a regular habit!