Teen drama, aibu to still stay out of it?

[bingbangbongding]

Following on from this

Teen drama- what to do??? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4732003-teen-drama-what-to-do

The girls made up eventually but it has remained frosty and strained.

My DD has been quiet this week. I asked why. She said she had fallen out with friend, again. I'll call friend Kimberly.

Around this time Kimberlys parents got in touch again. Said my DD had told theirs to F off and called her the c word. Said kimberly was very upset and anxious and not going to school and can I sort with my daughter? same story as last time)

I asked DD what had happened and she told me while they had fallen out she absolutely had not said those things.

I asserted this with the other child's parents and said 'it's a he said she said things, I'm sure they will work it out' (basically saying I didn't want to be involved again) and they didn't respond to me.

DD then came home and was upset. A third girl, lets call her Jenny, had told her she had heard how my daughter had verbally abused Kimberly via her Mum, who is friends with Kimberly's Mum.

DD was really upset at the thought of other parents talking about her in this way and them believing she could be that horrid.

She then showed me a group chat from WhatsApp where Kimberly was challenged by a friend and asked 'why have you told people DD called you a C*nt and told you to duck off? and Kimberly's come back and said 'I never said that, that didn't happen'

Jenny then said 'my mum said your mum told her you did? Is it not true'. Kimberly then says something like 'I can't be in this group' and leaves.

So all of their friend group knows it was a lie. DD is comfortable her friends know she didn't call this girl those names or tell her to fuck off.

Cut to today. I get another message from Kimberly's parents. Asking if I have got my daughter to apologise. I've said no, as she denies it.

Do you think I should send the screenshots?

I'm worried she's going around telling our friends that my daughter has been abusive. At the same time their daughter seems to be having a genuinely tough time and is missing school.

I think at this point a clear chat with your daughter might be in order. I’ve had to have one with mine. Basically just explaining that some people love drama and you can either join in and be one of those drama lovers who are always having some sort of big crisis and ‘challenging’ and ‘calling out’ and so on - or you can be sensible and say ‘oh well Kimberly is a bit of hard work, I’ll need to make new friends.’

Yes.
Definitely send the screenshots.
People who behave like this - the Kimberly's and maybe the parents - thrive on their behavior not being out in the open.

Be very clear.

And same goes for you, too. No need to engage in drama with Kimberly’s parents. Just a simple ‘I’m happy for Kimberly and Jenna to stay apart but I don’t need to be involved.’ And then ignore.

Ah honestly I just want DD away from this girl but it's hard as they go to school with each other and do orchestra.

Ok I'll send the screenshots, no emotion in the message and just say that I don't think the story is as clear as they've heard and let that be it.

I absolutely do not want to be involved with my kids teen dramas, but my instinct is that this will escalate if I don't intervene. Sunlight is the best cleanser as they say.

I feel angry on your DD's behalf reading this thread and your previous thread. Her 'friend' and their parents all sound like pieces of work. I would send the screenshot, for clarity.

I would send the screenshots and say, “gossip isn’t helping the situation. I’ve asked my dd to minimise interaction with your dd whilst remaining civil when contact is unavoidable. I suggest you tell Kimberly something similar.”

It's just immaturity I believe on both this girl and her parents part.

Her mum is forever posting on Facebook about 'snakes'. It's tiresome.

But your daughter is 14/15 now. It would be appropriate not to get involved - at her age she is more than capable of removing herself from Kimberly regardless of sharing the same school cafeteria.

And I’m not sure what you mean by ‘your instinct is that it will escalate.’ How can it escalate? You just tell your daughter to stay away from Kimberly and not involve herself in drama, suggest Kimberly’s mother does the same, and move on. I think it is important for people to recognise that they don’t need to be dragged in if they do not want to be.

My instinct is maybe not that it will
Escalate, probably the wrong word. More like just continue. Last time DD said she felt worn down from it, like she couldn't escape, and it was just draining.

And I worry that it will continue for the next 4 years of school. I would love them just to go their own ways but they haven't so far, since primary.

Parents sound awful. Probably best to distance as much as possible including stopping lifts to orchestra. What did they say about the screenshots?

Glad you’ve sent the screen shots. Beyond me why parents get involved unless bullying etc but this situation doesn’t sound like that. Must be hard for your DD but in all honestly I’d just tell her to keep completely away from her and any talk done via texts etc no group calls, not sure if they do, as then you have proof of what’s being said.

Send the screenshot and tell them that as far as you are concerned the matter is at an end.

Explain that you have advised your DD to avoid confrontation (whether f2f or online) for a while, and you’d suggest Kimberly does the same.

Then go silent, block them if necessary.

Sent the screenshots, said that I think we should leave it there and that I'd be advising mine to stay away from theirs.

They've come back with 'that doesn't prove anything' (in respect to the screen grabs) and a comment on Facebook saying 'some parents can't control their kids!'

I've not unfriended them but muted them as I think unfriending will kick off more.

So screenshots don’t prove anything but she wants to make your dd apologise to her’s based on her say so?!

I think you and dd need to drop these people.

Have you stopped the orchestra drop offs and pick ups for Kimberly?

It seems to me like the teenagers have handled it much better than the adults have. I'd leave it up to them in future.

Just block at this point then you wont see or hear of it anymore.

I would screenshot that though.

I'd probably not be able to resist commenting 'is this about me?' Ans see if they have the balls to respond. With any luck they will block you and you'll be done.

I think it sounds like you’re honestly quite invested in all the drama yourself. Block these people - is there really a need to be communicating to this degree with the parents of your teenage daughter? My oldest son is younger than your daughter and I honestly think if this was me I’d have said ‘well they’re teenagers now, I think it’s best to let them sort it oit themselves.’ If it was a case of bullying etc I’d be in to talk to school. I think you’re dragging it out by over involving yourself.

Well Im certainly understanding some of the tactics of Kimberly the more I interact with her parents.

Im not going to reply, I can't be bothered and I don't want to be the talk of our friend group.

Im going to approach one of the other parents in the orchestra drop off group and see what they think. The kids are definitely old enough to get their own way there now. This might be a good opportunity to do so.