To feel so overwhelmed about possibility of divorce

[BigSighhh]

Sorry to post here for traffic. I just feel so lost today and need to speak to someone.

So I'll start by saying my marriage is not awful. Not by a long stretch. There is no cheating, no abuse, not even tonnes of arguments.

But I've been feeling for a while that this just isn't what I want. We have only been married for 4 years (together 7) and share 1 child.

There are things about my husband/relationship that concern me. I think our views on life and other important things are just not the same. I often feel like he wants a housewife but who works too. He's a self employed workaholic (although he'd tell you he does it all "for us", I am pretty sure he'd be the same whether we were here or not).

I often feel like we don't have a proper family. We don't really do much of anything together. He tends to work a lot of weekends and may occasionally come for a walk with us or something small on a weekend but we never do anything like take a weekend away together or go on holidays. He's not a very sociable person whereas I'm the opposite so we rarely get together with friends or anything like that and I tend to attend anything like that alone, weddings, birthdays, etc... 99% of my friends (and there isn't hundreds of them by any means!) have never laid eyes on him.

I feel like he can be very selfish sometimes although he'd never admit it. He is happy to do things "for us" providing they are things he wants to do. If he is asked to do anything he doesn't want to do he will down right refuse. Even small things like taking our son to soft play on a Saturday afternoon, our son has a blast so I try to take him occasionally. He's never once come with us because it's 'not his cup of tea' (as if it's mine!!) But he never seems to understand that the reason he should do these things is because it's our child's 'cup of tea'.

I feel like we get along really well, we can often be best friends, but only whilst everything is going his way i.e. he's left to work as much as he likes and I don't complain about him not doing anything else and I also do everything at home and with our child whilst also working.

I work 4 days a week which we agreed on as we couldn't afford the extra 5th day in nursery right now and yet I'm made to feel like shit if I ever ask anything of him that requires doing something he isn't keen on because 'he works more than me'.

I feel underappreciated and taken for granted a lot and I often fantasize about being with someone else.

But it's hard because when we go through, often very long, stages of these issues not raising their head I feel quite happy. He changes his attitude like the wind though so one day something won't be a problem and the next it will, it's hard to know where you stand.

I feel like if I really had no concerns about our son and his feelings and also finances, I would want to leave but I feel stuck and don't know which way to turn. Like I should just stick it out because I'm not miserable and I can be pretty happy some of the time too so is it really worth it. But when I ask myself do I see myself being with my husband forever the answer is no and I feel like that isn't right.

Another issue that is starting to raise its head is that I'm having feelings about maybe wanting more children in the future and he absolutely doesn't. I am 29 and he is 36.

I feel lost and like I don't know what to do or how it would even work. Financially I feel like I'd be absolutely desolate if I were to leave.

I don't have the money myself to see a solicitor for an initial consultation to see how anything would work so I feel like I have absolutely no idea where I stand

I don't no If divorce is the right answer only you can answer that. The problem is, as you said, you don't feel valued by your dh. Have you sat down and had a proper chat with him about everything? Could you try having counselling? It may help to have a third person who is isn't involved in your marriage try to help you sort this out.

I think that a divorce is a bit hasty-you do owe it to your child to try and make it work first. Marriages with young children are hard work with ups and downs and you have to really make the effort sometimes to push through the difficult bit. I think people are too quick to rush to divorce, you take vows for a reason. I’m not saying you should definitely stay, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve both tried to fix it yet. Does your husband know you might leave? Have you actually spelled out what you want from your relationship?

Get some professional help to talk through the issues first. Having another child with someone else will have a huge impact on your child, it’s not something to just end a marriage for as a) it might not happen and b) bringing a step parent into the equation is almost always not the best thing for your existing child.

Wow. That's a lot you're dealing with.

I'm afraid to say you sound like me in my first marriage, although he didn't want children so that simplified things. In my case it wasn't worth tackling any of the problems as I increasingly knew I would have to leave to allow the possibility of children back into my life. In your case, given the fact he is the father of your child, I do think it's worth trying some things. Partly because I'm going to bet he would be an absolute PITA to divorce.

I wonder what he was like when you fell for him, and what you were like?

I wonder if you've tried pushing back and being more assertive? Shouting a bit more? In the dying weeks of my marriage I did push back more and to my astonishment my husband didn't mind at all and was unbothered, and I sometimes got what I needed. I wish I'd done it earlier. It used to take a lot out of me but it might have made a difference.

I disagree, I don’t think this can be sorted out with lengthy conversations. You can’t suggest a personality transplant for him, he’s clearly selfish. I would try to find a way to get out. Maybe wait until your son is of school age? Can your parents support you with the transition by providing you with their home and a bit of childcare until you are back on your feet? I would do that for any of my daughters in a heartbeat. You deserve to be happy.

I wonder what he was like when you fell for him, and what you were like?

Im conscious not to make myself sound entirely like a victim here but I do think I was just very young and a bit naive when I met him. He was 30 and I was 23. Id not long come out of a relationship I'd been in from about 18 that was abusive, mainly mentally but occasionally physically (pushing, grabbing my face during arguments that sort of thing, never anything massive but definitely not acceptable now I see) and I think I fell quite quickly for my husband becauee he was very normal in comparison and not a monster like my ex was and I just wanted that.

But I did have a lot of baggage which I still carry a bit now, one of which being I find it hard to stick up for myself sometimes and I tend to be a bit of a people pleaser just to get along.

I am definitely not as bad as I was and do try to make sure I shout/get angry etc.. these days.

Have you missed the bit where OP says she hasn’t got any money? This is a huge red flag that her husband is financially abusive too.

No it isn’t. Not having any money is not the same as having money you don’t have access to. All her post suggests is she doesn’t know how she would manage financially if divorced and she doesn’t have the funds for a solicitor. There’s absolutely no indication of financial abuse here.

Marriages need work. Not every man is an abuser.

This is going to be really outing but... The stuff with the finances is complicated.

He started up a business when we were together and I carried on working in my full time job, when our child was born I quit that job and joined his business. I am technically a partner but he does 'threaten' a lot to not pay me from the business or to not pay me as much because I don't 'deserve it' in his mind. So yes I have my own money (in a separate account) but he does like to threaten me with paying me less if I don't toe the line in terms of work or work as hard as he deems is acceptable. For example we agreed I wouldn't work Fridays because we can't afford full time nursery but that I wouldn't take less money from the business because of this, I'd just take the same as if I were full time. But every time we argue this gets thrown in my face with stuff like 'we'll just have to stop paying you for the Friday then' as if I have a choice to be there or not (I'm looking after his child so we don't have to pay for nursery?!).

It's all just a big interlocked mess.

For example we argued last night because I want to see a friend this evening (something I don't do all the time by any means), meaning he'd had to feed and put our child to bed.

His argument was that if he's looking after our child at all after being in work today it should be so I can go to work because he's had to today and I haven't. It's like I'm not allowed to do anything unless I work the same as him then maybe I can.

And yet I know for a fact if I did work as much as he did he'd still expect me to do everything at home/ with DC and he admits this, but there is always a list of reasons as to why i.e. his work is more physical than mine etc etc.

Given this and your previous updates he absolutely is abusive.

First step is to find a job outside the home. Don’t tell him, just do it quietly.

Jesus Christ!

Yeah he sounds like a shit. Sorry.

I never like saying LTB but... however, I would start by getting a full time job somewhere else. Just say 'I think life would be better for me if we don't work together' and keep saying it. Then whatever happens, at least you don't have a shit for a boss.

I'd copy all the business paperwork.

And get a shit-hot lawyer. Know your options.

Then whatever happens, at least you don't have a shit for a boss

Technically he isn't my boss, on paper I am equally a partner of the business as he is so I do tend to just try and ignore these threats as he can't literally not pay me but yeah it obviously shows how he thinks.

Oh OP, I understand the overwhelmed feeling, but you need to push through it and get yourself free. Whatever his better qualities, this is not sustainable and he will not change, he'll only get worse. You're still young and you've barely been single by the sounds of it, so it makes sense that you're daunted and doubting yourself. But fundamentally it's not going to work. He doesn't want more DC. You do. He doesn't want to look after or even spend much time with the DC you have, and you're only acceptable when you're supporting his work. Perhaps he has some ND element or perhaps he's just extremely selfish. Either way, it's untenable. You need a job that isn't working for him and then to start getting your ducks in a row (lots of threads on Relationship about this - suggest you post there as this evolves and get longer-term support there and IRL). The upside, if you can see it that way, is that it's a very clear LTB. This is how he is and it's good that you've recognised it now. The longer it's strung out, the harder it will be. Whereas if you move forward towards your independence from here, the upheaval will be so much less for your DC and you've got all your 30s ahead of you to - to find out who you are without a guy like this draining you and taking advantage, and to find a true partner for life.

I am married to your H! Even down to the business arrangement you have- all I will say is it's now or never- you have to have a chat and say how you feel- it will either end things or make them. I never had that chat and by61 I am somewhat stuck and the selfish behaviour didn't improve. I am kind of used to it and I don't have a child at home to worry about- but you do tend to feel like an afterthought. I think by the way a significant majority of men want a housewife still but one who earns!

You wouldn't be here if you weren't already thinking there is something wrong and you are unhappy. What does he say when you raise this? How do you think he would respond if you said you were unhappy enough to leave? Shocked? Unhappy? Angry?

He'd probably just say 'go on then'. He's very difficult to have an unheated conversation with.

Do you have partnership meetings for the business? What's he like in those?

He's fine at work (there is another partner there not just me and him) and a lot of the time he even compliments my work and how well I do. BUT only if I'm not asking anything of him.

If we have any disagreement about anything at all it always ALWAYS comes back around to he works more than me so I should just be grateful or we'll have to look at the pay.

He has said before that he feels like if it weren't for the business I'd leave him. It is one of the biggest worries and things that makes me feel trapped here.

Oh God I just can't be doing with these ridiculous men. Go and work somewhere else! Let him find another partner he can bully, he'd be sued. Only he won't be, because he won't bully them, only you.

I do think untangling the work situation so you have finance of your own is the first step. What life is like after that, who knows.

So he... thinks you're with him for the money? Is that what he's saying?

Not to reduce your situation to a story in a book/TV show, or minimise your dilemma in anyway, but reading your post made me think of an epidose of Tiny Beautiful Things, which is also a book.

In it, an agony aunt responds as follows to 3 women that wrote in along a similar theme, they all had individual stories of course but fundamentally they didn't think they should stay in their marriage and asked "Sugar" for advice:

"Dear Women,

I chose to publish your letters together because placed alongside each other I think they tell a story complete enough that they answer themselves. Reading them, it occurred to me that allowing you to read what others in a similar situation are struggling with would be a sort of cure for what ails you, though of course I have something to say about them, too. As Trying noted in her letter, I struggled with these very questions mightily in my own life, when I was married to a good man whom I both loved and ached to leave. Your letters brought me back there, to the most painful era of my life.

There was nothing wrong with my ex-husband. He wasn’t perfect, but he was pretty close. I met him a month after I turned nineteen and I married him on a rash and romantic impulse a month before I turned twenty. He was passionate and smart and sensitive and handsome and absolutely crazy about me. I was crazy about him, too, though not absolutely. He was my best friend; my sweet lover; my guitar-strumming, political rabble-rousing, road-tripping side-kick; the co-proprietor of our vast and eclectic music and literature collection; and daddy to our two darling cats.

But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough"

From what you describe your DH isn't even that nice to you, has no desire to participate in family life, and is very controlling.

But even without all of that context, what stood out for me is when you said "I've asked myself if I want to be married to this man for the rest of my life and the answer is no". I mean, really, what else is there to decide?

Wanting to leave is enough.

You went from one abusive relationship right into another. Get a different job, get some money together and leave. And please get counselling--you pick abusive men for a reason, probably stemming from your childhood. Figuring out why is the only way to break the cycle.