Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL & money

26 replies

lauraandersonn · 28/04/2023 08:55

MIL has recently been asking DH for a few favours, for each of which she specifically asks him not to mention to me. She's been struggling with her finances, and had asked DH a couple of times if he could lend her £50 here and there and the occasional £100. DH approached me with this and asked me not to mention anything as she asked him to keep it private, which I was happy to do, and happy that he was helping MIL through an obviously tough time for her.

However, sometimes it feels like things don't add up. For context, she's partially disabled, and gets her rent paid for her, her house comes bills included, so there's nothing really left to pay in terms of housing as it's sorted into her benefits. She also works a part time job, earning quite well for the limited hours she works. I wouldn't suppose that money would be an issue for her, i've set up her benefits, and know she gets enough for housing and a little more for her alongside her job. FIL also earns well, and since their house is paid due to her condition, sometimes I wonder what happens to the rest of FILs money.

I've never liked to judge other peoples finances, so try to not even think about it but the last week i've started to notice things that are a little alarming and unsettling with MIL and what she's doing with the money. She had asked for a loan that she's struggling to pay back, to which DH has been helping her pay off weekly. He has also lent her more money and again asked her to keep it secret, which DH hasn't, asked me not to talk about it, respecting her privacy but telling me that his finances are our finances, just like mine are ours and he wouldn't think to do anything without consulting me, which I appreciated. Since then, the past 3 weeks MIL and FIL have gone out to what appear to be luxury restaurants. She's posted photos on facebook and even sent me
pictures of the menu and how good everything looks. I thought it was bizarre that they're struggling so much, but going out for unnecessary meals, but brushed it off as perhaps it could've been a special occasion for them. She has since gone to two more restaurants and made reservations for this weekend again. She has also sent me pictures of clothes she has bought for our DS (he's got wardrobes filled, i've asked for no more clothes as we're struggling to fit it all in his room, as there are a lot of clothes and it's just unnecessary as he won't get round to wearing everything he's got). We've got quite a bit family on both sides and his first birthday was recently, and a lot of clothes were gifted, so he really does have enough. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I truly appreciate everything bought for our DS. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that DH is paying off her loans, lending her money (which has since been a lot more than a couple hundreds) and she seems to be splurging it on fancy restaurants and clothes.

Do I speak to DH about this? Part of me thinks this isn't my place, and I wouldn't dream of approaching her with it, but think I really should mention something to DH. Or am i being unreasonable for this?

OP posts:
123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 28/04/2023 08:57

That would also annoy me, she shouldnt be lending money to go to fancy restaurants, i would have the conversations

Shinyandnew1 · 28/04/2023 08:59

Why would you not speak to your DH about it?!

I would hope that when she asks him not to tell you stuff, he would say-I’m not keeping secrets from my wife!

Does the dad know she’s borrowing money from you?

Eggseggseverywhere · 28/04/2023 09:00

Personally I would tell her the bank of<insert your surnames >is shut. When did you last dine out op?

Hoppinggreen · 28/04/2023 09:02

It sounds like she has some financial issues she’s not sharing with FIL.
When (and it will) it comes out you will probably be seen as complicit. Is FIL controlling or anything like that?

ImAvingOops · 28/04/2023 09:04

Yes you should talk to dh about this. Given you and dh have shared finances, mil is effectively spending your money and expecting that to be kept secret from you. It's not on to ask for this kind of information to be kept secret from you - it's not like her personal health info for example.

DH needs to find out what the money is for. It's also not unreasonable for him to question why she is asking him for top ups and then spending money on expensive meals out. It's not his responsibility to subsidise that. I'm thinking maybe she's got some debt that fil doesn't know about snd she's repaying it from your dh's money? Or does fil keep her short?
Either way your dh is entitled to know and he should tell her that he's not going to keep secrets from you regarding your shared finances.

Namechange224422 · 28/04/2023 09:04

Unless she is usually really irresponsible this would worry me rather than annoy me.

Is there any situation where she has spent frivolous/fun money without fil involvement?

i would be worried about financial abuse. Ie fil has money for kids clothes and fancy restaurants but she hasn’t got enough for medical needs.

Original poster
lauraandersonn · 28/04/2023 09:08

FIL knows of the loans, I should've made it clear, they both took out loans early last year and have since been paying back. However, I don't know if he knows about the borrowing of money, it could be that he's not aware. Though, for the last couple of years she's been complaining that her finances have to cover his, as he's never got any money left for anything and she doesn't know where his money goes despite the fact that he's got no other expenses other than his car finance.

OP posts:
Namechange224422 · 28/04/2023 09:10

That doesn’t sound right. I think that your dh needs a chat with her about things. Gently and non judgementally. See what comes up.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2023 09:13

As her son, your DH needs to sit down with his mum and dad (either together or separately) as they are clearly living beyond their means and he needs to work out where their money is going. Done sympathetically it could have the desired results.

ilovesooty · 28/04/2023 09:15

Eggseggseverywhere · 28/04/2023 09:00

Personally I would tell her the bank of<insert your surnames >is shut. When did you last dine out op?

When the OP last dined out is neither here nor there.

Rather than simply making such a hostile response I'd be worried and concerned as the OP seemingly is.

I'm wondering if there's something like gambling going on. Your husband shouldn't be asked to keep secrets from you about this.

mrsm43s · 28/04/2023 09:18

What condition comes with a free paid for house and bills? I've never heard of anything like that. I'm pretty sure there's no non means tested housing benefit in the UK, and both MILs and FILs income would be taken into account.

Are you sure you know as much about their finances as you think you do?

BusMumsHoliday · 28/04/2023 09:20

I agree that something is going on and your DH should speak to them non judgementally. My guess is either unexpected expenses, FILs salary not covering what it used to but them burying their heads and not adjusting lifestyle, or something they won't talk about sucking money away (could she or FIL be gambling?).

On the buying things for grandson, some people's response to financial insecurity (past or present) is to spend money on stuff. My lovely late MIL who grew up very poor was like this - she'd buy so much they didn't need because of trauma from going without in the past.

Nanatokidsdogshampsters · 28/04/2023 09:25

How do you know that MIL is getting this money and it's not your DH spending it on gambling etc. I think it's wrong that you are not allowed to know about the money if it is going outside the family home.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 28/04/2023 09:26

They obviously need a little help with budgeting. Also, sometimes certain health conditions can lead to excessive spending, so he needs to look into that also.
I think its a nice thing that your dh is helping as long as you aren't struggling as a family. None of us would see our parents desperate for money if we could afford to help, but it is concerning that they aren't making good choices.

Snoken · 28/04/2023 09:27

Nanatokidsdogshampsters · 28/04/2023 09:25

How do you know that MIL is getting this money and it's not your DH spending it on gambling etc. I think it's wrong that you are not allowed to know about the money if it is going outside the family home.

I was going to say this too. The fact that he is making sure you know MIL cannot know that you know and her posting and sending you pictures of her spending money on non-essentials made me think this as soon as I read the post.

AgentJohnson · 28/04/2023 09:34

He needs to stop agreeing to keeping her secrets. He can lend her money for specific things but at present she’s using the secrecy of the loans to cover up her unwillingness to compromise her lifestyle.

Original poster
lauraandersonn · 28/04/2023 09:37

Nanatokidsdogshampsters · 28/04/2023 09:25

How do you know that MIL is getting this money and it's not your DH spending it on gambling etc. I think it's wrong that you are not allowed to know about the money if it is going outside the family home.

He's many times sent her the money in front of me, via bank, showed me the bank loans he's paid off. There's very low possibility that he's spending it himself. I've also seen the text messages where she begs him not to mention her requests.

OP posts:
Roundandnour · 28/04/2023 09:43

What health condition comes with free rent and bills? There’s possibly hundreds, if not thousands who could benefit from this.

Are you sure your dh isnt using the money?

either way, tell him something isn’t adding up.

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 28/04/2023 09:44

lauraandersonn · 28/04/2023 09:37

He's many times sent her the money in front of me, via bank, showed me the bank loans he's paid off. There's very low possibility that he's spending it himself. I've also seen the text messages where she begs him not to mention her requests.

Show quote history

That’s good he’s being so transparent with you, I too would expect nothing less.

I think the next step is for him to sit down with his Mum and explain he can’t keep secrets from you as you have entirely joint finances and you are his wife. He should gently ask what it is that has led her to require this money and if his father is aware of his involvement.

GingerLemonSoda · 28/04/2023 09:50

Have you checked that the number your DP has been texting to and from really belongs to your MIL?

Have you also checked that the account he's been sending money to really belongs to her?

I have a weird feeling the money isn't going to your mil.

BarbaraofSeville · 28/04/2023 09:56

Could they have got into a lot of debt and a lot of their lifestyle has been funded by endless credit and now the 'music has stopped' so to speak? Eg they've been refused credit, they can't afford the monthly payments, possibly because interest rates have increased?

Or could it be more sinister? They've been conned out of money somehow?

EggInANest · 28/04/2023 09:59

It’s good your DH is telling you, but he should also be saying to his Mum “I don’t keep secrets from my wife, and our money is shared money”.

His Mum knows that you know her finances, that is why she us deliberately trying to hide these ‘loans’ by asking for his secrecy.

And it is enabling her.

Yes, you should share your knowledge and concern with your DH, as part of full disclosure, and he should be honest with his Mum that he will not keep secrets from you about money.

It does sound as if ‘something’ is going on, but it can’t be addressed or supported with this web of secrecy.

I hope it gets sorted, OP.

BarbaraofSeville · 28/04/2023 10:06

Or could FIL be the cause of the problem? Gambling his money away?

I agree you need to talk to DH and you/he also need to stop giving them any more money.

Other than the cases where people genuinely don't have enough money to cover their basic expenses, which isn't the case here, lending/giving money doesn't solve the problem, it merely enables whatever is causing the problem to continue and this won't change until whatever it is is addressed, whether it's debt, gambling, overspending or whatever else is going on.

ZombieMumEB · 28/04/2023 10:41

GingerLemonSoda · 28/04/2023 09:50

Have you checked that the number your DP has been texting to and from really belongs to your MIL?

Have you also checked that the account he's been sending money to really belongs to her?

I have a weird feeling the money isn't going to your mil.

I was thinking the same.

user1492757084 · 28/04/2023 10:54

It's your husband's call.
It would be out of place for you to say anything when your husband could and should.
Next time she asks for a loan have your husband examine her finances. She could have been scammed, have a new gambling addiction or a new friend who is needy.
It needs your husband to thoroughly understand and help her with her income and expenses and tax etc. She might need to ask him questions about internet banking or whatever.