To think he's being unfair with these comments all the time

[Only123]

I have 1 child and 2 DSC.

Our child together is 2, my DSC are 11&13.

Any time me and DH have a slight disagreement about anything (and it doesn't even have to be about DSC), he'll make comments about how he feels I'm different toward DSC since our child together was born and that I don't care as much about them. When I ask him for examples of what he means or to tell me what I'm doing differently or to make him think that he can never say, just that it's a 'feeling'. That the knows they are his children and not mine so can't expect me to love them like I do our child but that he feels I don't see them as part of the family anymore, but again can never tell me in what way I do this and it's starting to feel like just a cheap and easy shot to make me feel bad.

I get on well with DSC, I've never had a parent>child relationship with them but I'd say that of an aunt or something. I'm fairly confident that nothing in the way I act around or with or toward DSC has changed. Naturally our relationship or the things we do together have changed as they've gotten older, for example the 13 year old would think I'd grown two heads if I asked if they wanted to do some painting with me or whatever these days 😂 but I don't feel I treat them any differently than I did before. Sure I'm definitely busier, I have a chaotic 2 year old to care for (most of the time by myself) but that's all I can think of.

AIBU to think that if he's going to make these accusations he should back them up with something so I actually know what it is I'm doing that's so terrible? I don't know what it is he expects me to change as I don't feel I'm actually doing anything wrong.

As I said above, this always seems to come up in arguments (that aren't even about the children) and it feels like a 'well YOU'RE so terrible because you are a crap SM' gotcha type of thing.

He sounds absolutely horrible to be honest. You are being great with his children while looking after your child together virtually on your own and he is critical of you? He should be incredibly grateful.

Yeah that would annoy me - telling you you’re doing something wrong/differently but not saying how. Put up or shut up.

If it's just a feeling and he can't quantify it at all - and it's his go to in a disagreement then it sounds like it's his fall back when he knows he's wrong / hasn't got any comeback to anything else you're saying.

He needs to stop - if he can't give a single example or explain anything other than a broad sweeping statement, then it's not a fair comment it's just him trying to get one over on you.

He doesn’t give any examples because he doesn’t have any; he’s just picking at whatever he can to deflect the conversation - he’s manipulative

Surely it's natural to feel differently anyhow?

How could anyone blame you? You're own child is so young and needy they're bound to take up a lot of energy

He is being very manipulative as PPs have said.

Have you spoken to him about it when you're not arguing? I would tell him he has to stop saying that and that you know it's not true and he's just saying it to hurt you and be spiteful.

I'd also be seriously thinking about whether I want to be with someone so spiteful and who barely looks after your joint child.

He's got to stop doing this - it's completely unfair on you.

Classic. This is how they keep you in line, constantly on your toes. They leverage your fear of being branded a wicked stepmother to keep you continually trying to prove that you really do love those children and there is nothing you wouldn’t do for them. On one level they want to ‘encourage’ you to do your best for their children but there is usually a practical benefit for them in redirecting responsibilities and workload from them to you.

You're not expected to love them in the same way, you can still have a lovely blended family, maybe he feels guilty for procreating with different partners

Can you call his bluff? Like 'oh well if I'm such a terrible step mother you obviously won't be expecting me to look after them anymore. What are your plans for this?' Etc etc.

He's projecting his guilt about having a second family onto you.

You need to plan some replies. 'Interesting that whenever we have a disagreement, you resort to criticising my step parenting. This is quite a peculiar thing to do. Perhaps we should look at why you always use my step parenting at a retort because it very much seems like something someone does when they know they are on the wrong side of an argument'.
And..
Whenever we have a disagreement, you bring up my step parenting. This is revealing that you are very dissatisfied with the way I step parent. Let's arrange some counselling as this is clearly something eating you up and you keep bringing it up when it is irrelevant to the conversation'
And....
'I am more than happy to discuss my role as a step parent to your dc but right now shall we stick to the subject at hand? It's not constructive to tangent off into diverging completely unrelated to what we are discussing'

Just keep being reasonable and point out his crapness

Don't worry OP, on MNs it's completely acceptable to do nothing more than tolerate your DSC untill your DH dies and then you can, in relief, turf them out never to look back, so chances are you are doing more than most.

Is he using this as a way of moving an argument away from the actual topic?

Such as, you need to do more housework dh as I'm feeling overwhelmed and you need to pull your weight - yes well I don't have the time as I have to see to my children as you don't bother with them any longer?

This way he doesn't have to deal with the fact he's not pulling his weight

He’s using this non-existent thing as a stick to beat you with, and try to break you. It’s probably his own shit parenting and guilt speaking.

Not a good bloke. Do you want to live out your days listening to his bullshit?

He is projecting his guilt at having a second family onto you. Its very handy for him as it makes you work all the harder to be a perfect step mum and he will have less to do. Be very wary that he does not try to make your own child a second class child in this family, with a second class life. Personally, I would tell him that if he does not like the way I step parent, then I will step back entirely from the role.

He is projecting, he feels guilty that he has a new child he spends all his time with and doesn't live with his other children. Encourage him to explore this, dont accuse him...just ask how he feels about the situation and help create time for him to have one to one interactions with all his children.

Hello! I am in a similar set up to you. What I would ask is do you think he means "now you have your own DC you don't entertain my children and do their housework washing etc as much"?

Leave him alone one weekend with all his children and see how he manages to balance things.

This.

I’d also point out that if he’s so concerned about your step parenting and unable to explain why so you can modify your behaviour around them then it might be best if takes over as primary carer.

I agree! He's being a twat.

I would pick a good time to talk & then tell him everything you said in your post. Tell him that you won't put up with it anymore & if he doesn't stop, then he's permanently damaging YOUR relationship with HIM - nothing to do with the kids!