that expectations should not differ for MIL and FILs?

[Cupper]

So many times I read on here or talk to people who get upset because their MIL did not help with a newborn or childcare. Yet the majority of FILs can do 0% but will never get berated or criticised. MILs will get criticised for not bringing food, helping with the cleaning. The FIL can sit there and get offered a cup of tea and not be expected to do anything.

Yes I am sure there are some FILs out there who do everything.

We look after our 2yo granddaughter once a week for a ten hour day, my son’s child. If my DH is around he is so much better with her than I am. He tries to keep that day free (self employed) and she totally adores her “grandad”. I feel a bit over it tbh, I had three kids with big gaps and now I have health issues and take medication that leaves me knackered so I really struggle if I am on my own but childcare is so expensive and we want to help out. You are so right though, the expectation was always that I would be the one doing the caring and I can’t admit to anyone except DH how hard I find it.

@HP456 If you would be happy to hand your baby over to someone in their mid 70s, whose limited experience with babies was 35+ years ago, and who is neither interested in or capable of caring for infants, then by all means do so. I wasn't.

I don't think there should be "expectations" for either

I had/have zero expectations of my MIL for childcare, I just wanted both in-laws to be interested, kind grandparents, which they are.

But quite honestly did I want or expect a 70 year old who never changed a nappy or burped a baby with his own children to suddenly become interested in modern weaning methods, disciplining, car safety etc etc and do lots of hands on baby and toddler care? No - not because he’s a man but because of his skills, interests and experience. I didn’t particularly want or expect my MIL to either, but she was fairly competent, prepared to do the research/change her methods to suit mine, and she really enjoyed it and wanted to, so she did a bit.

This. Sadly.

Neither did anything for me, I didn’t need them to.

I never dumped my babies on anyone. We did have (voluntary) support with childcare from my MiL and mum. I had no expectations of my dad or FiL helping in that way because they were raised in the 1930s in families where men didn't do childcare and have no experience of caring for babies or young children.

However, times change. My husband was very hands on when the children were small and will, no doubt, be happy to provide (an amount of) childcare for any future grandchildren, as would I.

I have no expectations of what others should do but neither do I think you can rewrite history.

Of that generation? Yes, pretty much!

My DH is a hands on, capable, excellent parent. Like the majority of his generation, he is a full and useful parent and you can hand any baby to him. His father though, never changed a nappy, fed a baby, did a thing.

Am I going to throw my kids at a person who has absolutely no clue what to do with them, and no desire to, just to prove some inane point about the patriarchy, which is already outdated? Of course I am not!

Sorry but I think this is a silly discussion. Things were different, and accepted. My father is now 80+, probably did barely anything I don't think he should be berated for it now. For what it's worth, he's a fantastic grandfather but I wouldn't expect him to change a nappy as I'm sure he never changed mine! (I don't expect my mum to either, but she would if needed or asked).

I'd include SILs as well. It frequently has to be pointed out that the niece/nephew has two parents and if the SIL wants to bow out of wife work then good on her. I asked on a recent MIL childcare thread what the expectations were of the father's male relatives. It's like we have to sacrifice ourselves on the alter of motherhood. Young male chimps and gorillas will help with childcare. If they have to lower ranking males will raise a infant. Other male mammals take part in the rearing of the young, but we have evolved so it isn't relevant.

No. I had zero “expectations” of my MIL. I don’t think she “should” do anything of the sort and honestly I’d have rather she didn’t. I’m a SAHM and I didn’t need her help. But cliché or stereotype or not, she wanted to be hands on and do babycare. She enjoyed it with her own and she wanted to do it with mine. So I let her. FIL has no such desire and even if he did he wouldn’t have a clue what to do. And that’s fine. My point was simply that having expectations of my FIL would have been futile not that my MIL should do anything.

The only person I had any “expectations” of was my children’s other parent.

Does my nut in too. Couples are referred to as 'she' because the expectation of engagement from the male half is non existent.

There are a million mothers in law and sisters in law who don't bring any food, don't offer help in the kitchen, let their kids run around unchecked and sit waiting to have food brought to them.

Who knows what fathers in law and brothers in law are doing, they don't merit a mention.

I agree with you.

There was a thread a few weeks ago about whether grandparents should help with regular childcare and the posts accusing her of sexism and holding back women were never ending.

A few of my friends get regular help from their fathers/ FILs with childcare. It sounds like they feel they missed a lot with their own kids because they were working and are really enjoying the time they spend with their grandkids now.

If we ever become grandparents and if time, location and health allow, I absolutely expect my partner will jump at the chance to look after them.

My MIL is utterly useless. She's 74 and helps DPS sister out loads both financially and with the kids. Not all MILS are the same .

My fil was the laziest article ever to draw breath my mil used to wait on him hand and foot.
Didnt do anything with babies,however as they got older he would play cards or dominoes or board games for hours with them.