Father staying with me

[ariaknox]

My dad lives abroad
He's come back to England to sort out some doctor appointments and other various things
He called me before he came and asked if he can stay for a month
My husband and I agreed
Now my dad is leaving soon but I feel like he is unhappy with his stay
I have two small children and a job
I've taken my dad to doctor appointments sorted out his bank took him shopping
He hasn't had to pay for anything or do anything however I have still had to carry on with my own commitments
Nursery runs, my own doctor appointments, work, friend commitments and commitments I had already had planned with/for my in laws
I've invited my dad to all events and he's come to a few no problems
This Friday my husband and I have a rare night planned with some friends so I'll be dropping both my kids off at my in laws house who live a little over an hour away for the night
My husband is also in the process of doing his parents drive way so we decided to drive there tonight spend the night then my husband can get some work done during the day on Friday before we head home to get ready for our evening out
I've invited my dad to stay with us with my in laws (he's stayed before and is friendly with them) but he's refused which is absolutely fine
But now he keeps making comments and double checking with me that I'm definitely going tonight even though he's seen me packing the kids bags
It's making me feel guilty but we've had this night out planned for a long time and my in laws are the only ones who will look after my kids for me
He won't be alone on Friday he'll be spending the day/evening with my other siblings

But I feel bad like I'm neglecting him or like I should of cancelled my plans? We've spent a whole month together and granted my household is very hectic but I've took him everywhere with me and took him out and about to do what he needs

AIBU for not cancelling my plans and staying home with him?
Or is being unreasonable for expecting me to drop everything and sit in the house with him all day
He's not very sociable and likes watching tv and home cooked meals
I've spent a good few days at home with him in between other things

This post is written terribly sorry but I'm just too tired to fix it haha hope you can understand what I'm getting at

Ignore his comments. You've given him plenty of opportunity to join you and he's declined. Don't feel guilty, you're doing nothing wrong - his social contact is his responsibility, not yours.

(Also, you've done a fuckload for him whilst he's been staying with you and he should be grateful, not guilt tripping you)

Don't feel guilty, I think you have done so much with/for him. Perhaps he's looking forward to a night on his own.

Why dont you have a proper conversation about it with him. Then you will know what he is actually feeling rather than you guessing. You might be guessing wrong, maybe he is asking about what time you are leaving because he has a whole load of people coming over for a rager and he wants you out of the way 🤣

Don't cancel
Don't feel guilty

he's been with you nearly a month - it's not as if he turned up today, only staying one night and you're off for the weekend straightaway.

You've set the tone for this and future visits - be careful

You are not being unreasonable, sounds like you’ve done a lot. I suspect this is down to cultural expectations and also guilt on your part but you’ve done plenty and he will have company. Enjoy your evening.

He was moaning about being in the house alone while I was at work because I live in quite a lovely area so there's nothing for him to do
So I don't think he's looking forward to a night alone
And he's definitely not happy about eating left overs for dinner while I'm away he's made that clear

Thank you for your replies
Feel a bit better was expecting people to say to cancel and I'm being unreasonable

Haha he's not the rager type

He's stayed with me before when he lived in England for a week at a time
This is the longest
I didn't grow up with him so we still have a bit of awkwardness when it comes to talking about things
Him and my husband get along easier I struggle to find conversation with him to be honest

Definitely cultural
He's Moroccan and his wife in Morocco cooks breakfast lunch and dinner and cleans up after him
Whereas in my home my husband splits half the house work and cooking
My husband actually told him off the other day because he made breakfast for himself and left all the dirty cutlery and butter and bread all out on the work surface and when my husband asked if he's gonna tidy it up my dad said no "aria" will do it when she gets up 🤦‍♀️ my kids and I were both ill with a viral infection and were sleeping still
My husband told him she's ill and has too ill kids to look after she's not your maid
(Husbands a bit blunt sometimes)
So we've definitely been struggling with things like that too

Why does he come to the uk for doctors appointments when he doesn’t live here? Is he unable to see a doctor where he lives?

My husband told him she's ill and has too ill kids to look after she's not your maid
(Husbands a bit blunt sometimes)
So we've definitely been struggling with things like that too

Good for your DH! Having read your update I think you have been a saint putting up with him and his attitude for a whole month.

I had been wondering why him being alone meant he had to eat leftovers rather than cook for himself, also why he can't babysit for you. I guess you have answered that.

Sounds like your father has mistaken you for his personal maid.

Glad to hear you have a husband willing to stand up for you.

@Wishitsnows - good question.

Pattern of behaviour there, I think.

OP, you are his daughter, not his servant or his entertainer. You seem to have done more than your duty.

This is he using the nhs saying he lives at your address or paying private treatment?

Doctors and dentist where he live aren't the best so he's planning to come here once a year for private check ups and any work he needs done not nhs

Wasn't just doctor appointments he came for he also came to see friends and family
Dentist
Bank stuff
And to visit me and the kids

He wouldn't dream of babysitting and my kids wouldn't stay with him either

From what you have said, it's clear he is using you and your good will. He has no real connection to you and it seems he is using your home to get doctors appointments. If he is so keen to have home cooked good, he can cook if himself.

Also you should have no guilt about sticking to plans made before he imposed his unreasonable needs on you. You are not Moroccan and do not hold his cultural values!

Do not feel guilty and make all of this clear to him if/when his next visit is arranged.

Also have you posted before about this, sounds familiar?

He's been very selfish trying to dominate you and have everything arranged for his own convenience.
I would stop doing things for him stop cooking for him and ignore him until he leaves 🤷

Very telling that you can’t even leave the kids with your dad overnight, you are taking them to your in laws.

You’ve been a great daughter, please fulfil your plans without any guilt!

It sounds like he has plenty of money if he can afford to fly here for private health care. I would suggest he stays in a hotel or with a sibling next time.

His poor wife!! I'd say she booked the trip for him 😀 . He doesn't seem to care about how you feel so I wouldn't be giving him a second thought. Can't believe he said you would clean up after him... even if you weren't sick this is not on. Sorry OP but he sounds like a freeloader to me, thank god he doesn't live near you all the time.

I booked the trip for him haha
Thank you all
I keep saying it's only once a year
And I've only got a few days left now

My other siblings live at home with my mother still so he won't stay with them I'm the only option and he would say it's rude to stay in a hotel when I have space for him
He can afford it but hey

I've just come home from an appointment and he'd washed up and tidied the kitchen so was wondering for a minute if he read this post 😂

Glad to he deigned to clean up after himself. But sounds a bit of a pain in the hole. House guests are like fish etc (or whaever the saying is). I couldn't take the whining if was imposing on me for that long.