To be furious with DP

Miajk · 2023-04-27T07:10:31+00:00

I've been under a lot of stress and pressure, working crazy hours and my mental health is tanking. This has been the worst week yet and I've been telling my DP how bad my mental health is, I've been overeating, working until 2am, I'm daydreaming about quitting my job. He's been sleeping in a separate bed this week as he snores sometimes but yesterday slept in the same bed. Today his alarm went off an hour before it had to which woke me up and I'm not the type of person who just goes back to sleep (or falls asleep) easy, so I'm another hour short on sleep. He's spent the extra hour in bed, as I said he didn't need to be up or wasn't planning to. When I pointed out that'd a bit thoughtless he gave me a very snarky "well sorry". I think part of my annoyance is that he got years did nothing and was lazy and only now is working on his career but I've been the higher earner and shouldering more of the financial responsibility. I see him play video games and relax and have not a worry in the world while I feel so stuck because we'd be in shit if we both earned very little. I'm so so fed up.

Tookeffort81 · 27/04/2023 08:13

bit confused
so he has had long period of unemployment? Or just not massively hung up about work outside of contracted hours?

Original poster

Miajk · 27/04/2023 08:15

Tookeffort81 · 27/04/2023 08:13

bit confused
so he has had long period of unemployment? Or just not massively hung up about work outside of contracted hours?

He worked low paid entry level jobs. He's had lots of support from parents including opportunity to go to uni for free (he dropped out twice instead).

When I told him it would be good for us both to work on being financially secure he would say he doesn't care about this stuff. Well now with inflation if not for my salary I doubt we'd have much in terms of paying for rent and all our expenses (I contribute more to our finances to make sure we can cover this).

OP posts:

WarmButteryCrumpets · 27/04/2023 08:19

He sounds annoying but it also sounds like you're under so much stress you're going to be on the edge anyway!

Why are you working til 2am? That's not sustainable, no wonder your mental health is suffering 😱

Original poster

Miajk · 27/04/2023 08:21

WarmButteryCrumpets · 27/04/2023 08:19

He sounds annoying but it also sounds like you're under so much stress you're going to be on the edge anyway!

Why are you working til 2am? That's not sustainable, no wonder your mental health is suffering 😱

This week has been extremely bad :(

In my line of work if I change jobs it will be much of the same sadly. I'd love retrain and take a paycut to do so but for the next few years DP will be still earning little until qualified.

I'm so jealous that he gets to take it easy and take time to get qualified and not have a care in the world and can't even be thoughtful about what I'm telling him and let me sleep a bit longer. Maybe I'm being really silly though

OP posts:

Groggygymdodger · 27/04/2023 08:24

I think the alarm was an accident.

however it’s clear you deeply resent him and you deeply resent the fact you shoulder more financial responsibility, so I think you need to address this. If you can’t then end the relationship it can’t survive when you resent him so much.

Original poster

Miajk · 27/04/2023 08:30

Groggygymdodger · 27/04/2023 08:24

I think the alarm was an accident.

however it’s clear you deeply resent him and you deeply resent the fact you shoulder more financial responsibility, so I think you need to address this. If you can’t then end the relationship it can’t survive when you resent him so much.

He said his alarm is set like this every day, which I don't remember as he doesn't always sleep with me and some days he does have to be up at that time.

I think it was his half assed apology and the fact he didn't understand why it's an issue. On top of everything it seems like i should remember his alarm habits and ask him ahead of time.

I told him I'm exhausted, need sleep, etc. I would have thought any partner would listen and recognize that, I guess it just felt so so inconsiderate. I'm more resentful that he seems completely ungrateful about how stressful my life has been to accommodate how easy his life is.

OP posts:

Groggygymdodger · 27/04/2023 08:33

Op the alarm was an accident, it’s easily done. As said if you’re deeply resentful of him to this extent you need to address it or end it. It’s deeply unhealthy and not fair for either of you.

billy1966 · 27/04/2023 08:34

So you have been used by a selfish lazy loser for years.🙄

He doesn't care about money because he has a workhorse MUG in you.

This is your life and will continue to be your life because you have chosen to be used by a selfjsh lazy user loser.

Lose the user loser and your life will undoubtedly improve.

ThisSingleMama · 27/04/2023 08:43

So he's always worked but just not pushed himself into a 'high flying' job?

If he had, surely he would be as burned out as you are by now? How is that a solution

You've pushed him to move from an entry level job, to earn more?

Original poster

Miajk · 27/04/2023 08:46

ThisSingleMama · 27/04/2023 08:43

So he's always worked but just not pushed himself into a 'high flying' job?

If he had, surely he would be as burned out as you are by now? How is that a solution

You've pushed him to move from an entry level job, to earn more?

He's never even tried so hard to say how he'd feel surely? I always told him I want him to try and if he doesn't like it fair enough.

He has a skillset that could be very well paid in easy jobs. Now he's getting qualified he has the most flexible and easiest job he's ever had.

If in a few years as it ramps up he hates the pressure then I wouldn't resent him for deciding he doesn't want to do it, but to not even try it out Is really lazy. My MH is an accumulation of years of shouldering this responsibity and not having the option to retrain with my partner being a very low earner. I feel like I've had to work twice as hard to make up his shortfall, each year with inflation technically he's been bringing in less and less.

OP posts:

AgnesX · 27/04/2023 08:52

Miajk · 27/04/2023 08:21

This week has been extremely bad :(

In my line of work if I change jobs it will be much of the same sadly. I'd love retrain and take a paycut to do so but for the next few years DP will be still earning little until qualified.

I'm so jealous that he gets to take it easy and take time to get qualified and not have a care in the world and can't even be thoughtful about what I'm telling him and let me sleep a bit longer. Maybe I'm being really silly though

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You've facilitated him for such a long time you really can't complain. It probably goes against the grain but if you hadn't been so proactive (and getting into the state you're in) he would have to step up a lot sooner.

It is what it is though, this particular incident aside, you need to look at both your work and relationship and try to get on some kind of even keel.

Does he even know how resentful you feel (and that you appear to have taken your financial stability on your own shoulders single handedly)

makemineadoublee · 27/04/2023 08:54

Find a new partner
find a new career

put your wellness first otherwise you’re going to burn out or worse. No amount of money is worth the hours you are having to work

Original poster

Miajk · 27/04/2023 09:28

AgnesX · 27/04/2023 08:52

You've facilitated him for such a long time you really can't complain. It probably goes against the grain but if you hadn't been so proactive (and getting into the state you're in) he would have to step up a lot sooner.

It is what it is though, this particular incident aside, you need to look at both your work and relationship and try to get on some kind of even keel.

Does he even know how resentful you feel (and that you appear to have taken your financial stability on your own shoulders single handedly)

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He does we actually did split up over this very briefly and then he got his head together. I do my best to try not to bring it into arguments or hold on to resentment but it's more the total lack of consideration.

If I knew my partner is doing more to support us and I'd feel really bad waking him up for no reason when he's told me many times how exhausted he is and how much he is struggling. I'd see why it's an issue and actually apologise.

I'm really really struggling today with brainpower despite having so much to do. He's on the sofa playing video games because his 9-5 is pretty relaxed. It's like he just doesn't get it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Miajk · 27/04/2023 09:30

makemineadoublee · 27/04/2023 08:54

Find a new partner
find a new career

put your wellness first otherwise you’re going to burn out or worse. No amount of money is worth the hours you are having to work

You're right, I just don't know how to do this. I know many people survive on low wages but I've always been really worried about financial security and worked so hard and feel like I would be throwing this away :(

I don't have any family support and left home quite young, couldn't afford to do uni etc. So I feel like I got lucky to be where I am and if I take a paycut now maybe I'll never be in the same position again.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2023 09:33

He's taking advantage of you because you allow it. Your mental health will improve dramatically once you're rid of him.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 27/04/2023 09:39

makemineadoublee · 27/04/2023 08:54

Find a new partner
find a new career

put your wellness first otherwise you’re going to burn out or worse. No amount of money is worth the hours you are having to work

This.

You understandably resent carrying him when it seems he can’t seem to even give you a basic level of consideration. Leave and look after yourself.

Ihavekids · 27/04/2023 09:47

It's not his fault that you've chosen a career that is too stressful and time consuming to be sustained.
Doesn't sound like you're happy but I don't think he's done anything wrong here, it's just a mis-match.
Trial separation.

billy1966 · 27/04/2023 09:47

Of course he gets it🙄.

He just doesn't care.

You are a complete mug, and he knows it.

Until you figure out that you deserve better than an utter waster, this is your life.

A workhorse mug for a loser.

If anything happens to you, he will be long gone.

You don't think he would actually step up?

Of course he wouldn't.

He'd be out the door looking for the next mug to live off.

You deserve better OP.

makemineadoublee · 27/04/2023 09:57

Miajk · 27/04/2023 09:30

You're right, I just don't know how to do this. I know many people survive on low wages but I've always been really worried about financial security and worked so hard and feel like I would be throwing this away :(

I don't have any family support and left home quite young, couldn't afford to do uni etc. So I feel like I got lucky to be where I am and if I take a paycut now maybe I'll never be in the same position again.

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are you enjoying your life/ lifestyle?

can you drop a day?

You can earn good money but not be burnt out and working to 2am.

lots of companies are starting to value employees work life balance to ensure they have the best staff / are you positive there aren’t any like that in your sector?

Irritateandunreasonable · 27/04/2023 10:01

Why didn’t you sleep in the other room for one night?

Its your responsibility not to work until 2am - why are you doing this?

He doesn’t sound like he’s done much wrong tbh… maybe this is just because you’re so tired so you’re being a bit unreasonable.

Im sorry you’re struggling with you MH, that’s shit. I don’t think DH is responsible for this though, it’s sounds like you need to make some changes ❤️

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2023 10:06

He sounds like a loser; how is it ok to be with someone who just doesn’t care about financial security? He doesn’t need to care because he has you. Stop being a mug

AgnesX · 27/04/2023 10:17

Miajk · 27/04/2023 09:28

He does we actually did split up over this very briefly and then he got his head together. I do my best to try not to bring it into arguments or hold on to resentment but it's more the total lack of consideration.

If I knew my partner is doing more to support us and I'd feel really bad waking him up for no reason when he's told me many times how exhausted he is and how much he is struggling. I'd see why it's an issue and actually apologise.

I'm really really struggling today with brainpower despite having so much to do. He's on the sofa playing video games because his 9-5 is pretty relaxed. It's like he just doesn't get it.

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I'm really sorry that he's not got much consideration. You've got totally different outlooks on financial stability. Do you think it's something you can live with long term?

Deadpalm · 27/04/2023 10:27

Tbh OP, you are not the best advert to encourage people to "do better"...

Agree with pp. You are mismatched. Some people happily just plod through, some cause themselves breakdowns by trying to get or keep on top.
Just go each your own way. The resentment is already there

Tookeffort81 · 27/04/2023 10:29

Does he lead the high life? Like the finer things in life?

or instead lead a life largely in keeping with a chap in his mid twenties in low paid full time employment?

whyisitalwayswindy · 27/04/2023 10:32

He doesn't care because he doesn't need to. If you split up he would either find another person to shoulder the majority of the financial responsibility or he would bloody well step up if his neck was on the line!!

I think you are mismatched. Other posters have commented that he hasn't done much wrong or you shouldn't be working those hours. But fundamentally I think you're mismatched. Neither are wrong but it doesn't work as a couple.

Honestly? The resentment will eat you up. You need to find someone on your wavelength who has the same work ethic as you. Don't have kids with him as you'll still be doing everything and that workload will have doubled.

His alarm may have been a mistake but he sounds like he doesn't care about how you feel and how you're struggling. Chuck him back and find someone you're more suited to.