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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt by old friend

13 replies

riversoflondon · 27/04/2023 08:01

I have a friend I've known for nearly 30 years. We live around 3 hours from each other, and try to meet up a few times a year.

We were due to meet just after Christmas, with her coming to my city for the first time in years. I usually travel to her, or meet halfway, as she says she struggles with the cost of travelling.

However, she cancelled the day before, and I asked her to let me know when she was free so we could rearrange, but haven't heard from her since.

Then I saw on her twitter yesterday that she came to my city this week, stayed overnight and did lots of touristy things that she never agrees to do with me, and didn't even think to say she was (literally) ten minutes away.

I'm feeling hurt and disgruntled, but want to know whether you think it's worth having an honest conversation about it, or just letting it go.

YABU- let it go
YANBU- talk to her about it

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 27/04/2023 08:08

I would just leave it. Don’t contact the friend again. If they wanted to see you they would have. They don’t sound like a good friend so don’t lose any sleep over it.

Blip · 27/04/2023 08:10

If you value the friendship then have the hard conversation.

Birminghambabe · 27/04/2023 08:12

I’d leave it but I would probably feel a bit taken advantage of in the past by her and I’d be wary of her. I’d wonder why she always expects me to travel to her or meet halfway when she has been able to visit my city and spend money on activities she usually wouldn’t do with me. If she messages to meet up but suggests you come to her instead I would say no.

Birminghambabe · 27/04/2023 08:13

If you feel like you really need to have the chat with her then you could just message or call and say you saw she was 10 mins away and was a bit hurt she didn’t come to visit. Maybe she has a valid reason.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 27/04/2023 08:20

Sounds like the friendship has run its course, if I was that close to a friend I only see occasionally but consider a good friend, the least I would do it contact her, for a quick cuppa

Biggestdoormatever · 27/04/2023 08:23

This happened to me with a friend - various attempts of mine to meet up (always me making the trip) were refused or ignored then I saw she's been in my city for a weekend and hadn't let me know. She was ten minutes from me.

I felt very hurt but after much deliberation decided she was a lovely person and if she was shunning me it was because I'd hurt her in some way. I decided I would make a last attempt. I sent her a message saying

"Hi friend, how are you? I'm wondering if I've done something to upset you. Please tell me if I have so I can apologise. We used to be such good friends and I miss you "

She read and didn't answer. Then an entire month later I got a one liner "don't be stupid, all good."

I decided then I was done with it and the feeling was clearly mutual as she continued to ignore me. She continued to plan get togethers with our mutual friends and leave me off the list.

Out of the blue when I was extremely sick a year later she messaged me saying she was sorry to hear I was sick and was there anything she could do. I wrote back a short factual email saying thanks for her concern but she'd made it clear she didn't want to be friends anymore with no explanation and I'd accepted that so could we leave it there, sorry to be harsh but life is currently stressful enough.

I got back an email overflowing with rage saying she was the one making the effort here, how dare I and if I wanted an explanation here it was; then a long list of the prettiest most spiteful claims I'd ever seen. It was really clear she couldn't stand me thought I was vacuous, self obsessed, uncaring etc. That was fine, she was entitled to her opinion and maybe I am those things. But she had clearly spent years observing me and judging me.

A few days later she messaged again saying she was sorry, very stressed in her marriage and didn't mean any of it. Since then we have a faux friendship (for me anyway) where I see her as part of a group and paint on a smile. She's always pushing for more from me, meetups, weekends away. I'm not interested and never will be so I make my excuses and decline.

I don't regret trying to fix it though initially.

bananaboats · 27/04/2023 08:27

I agree with pp it sounds like the friendship has run its course and I wouldn't contact her again.

DrManhattan · 27/04/2023 08:30

I don't think there is much friendship left to save tbh. Move on. I know it's hard and you will be hurting but she has show you by her actions.

Original poster
riversoflondon · 27/04/2023 08:32

Thank you, everyone.

I do feel a bit taken advantage of. We are both part of a wider circle of friends, and it's a running joke that she has tight purse-strings, which she openly admits. I've always preferred to see her, than quibble over travel costs.

I think I'm going to ask if there is any particular reason she didn't tell me she was nearby, because it feels like she didn't want to see me.

I'm also going to step back and let her organise the next meet up, if there is one!

OP posts:
Thoughtful2355 · 27/04/2023 08:35

Id move on, she obviously isnt intersted in your friendship. Let it fizzle out and find new friends or stick to the ones you do have.

Maebh9 · 27/04/2023 08:44

Good (I thought) friend of mine stopped speaking, except in groupchat situations, to me after twenty years. Tried for a bit but she kept aloofly ignoring my suggestions to meet up and wouldn't just say wtf the problem was. I suspect it's at all because I told her I'd decided not to take the covid vaccine. Should've kept it to myself but I thought we were close enough she can could accept different views. I don't know for a fact that's the case, though, as she just went huffy and distant and at a certain point I couldn't be bothered trying to fix it. Sad to have lost all that shared history and she was an interesting person.

Anyway, pass-agg demighosting is a crap move and anyone who does it doesn't deserve an ounce of your consideration.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 27/04/2023 08:47

If you don’t want it to come across as too confrontational, could you message saying “Hi, how are you doing? I see you were in Snedlington on Saturday - I wish I’d known, we could have caught up!” or similar?

VoluptuaGoodshag · 27/04/2023 08:58

I’d ask the question but then just leave it. Ghosting is horrible and I’d much rather know why than just wonder for the rest of my life. I’ve been ghosted and it’s horrible. I try not to ghost and have been blunt at times but ultimately it was the right thing to do.
Once I did ghost someone. It was a person I shared a hobby with and we were also FB friends. They did something that made me feel uncomfortable and I unfriended them but we’d still see each other at the hobby though never partnered up. It was ridiculously awkward. To their credit, they confronted the elephant in the room and asked straight up if they’d offended me in any way. I said it was my bad and I should have said at the time and all the water passed under the bridge and we’re back on speaking terms. But it made me realise how pathetic I was not to have just confronted it at the time. Lesson learned and I’ll always speak my mind now.

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