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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are we always absolutely entitled to tell family about pregnancy?

8 replies

Batsncats · 27/04/2023 05:32

So, a bit of background; My family have never been overwhelmingly supportive of me, I was the youngest of a very large family and kinda faced the brunt of it all when our parents were sick of being parents and had grown to resent eachother, when they split I was sent to live with my father, he was manipulative and abusive. I tried to reach out for help, my siblings had not experienced this side of him and so didn't support or believe me or do anything to help, I eventually emancipated myself as soon as I could and everyone was shocked and I was portrayed as some unruly and deluded teenager looking for attention, no one said it to my face, but it was clearly the outlook, I was the one who had to initiate the contact in order to reconnect with my siblings, it's always me who initiates the contact aside from birthdays, which I appreciate but, well, it's hard to discern what's genuine and what stems from feeling obligated. I'm now 32 weeks pregnant and I have told only one of them who didn't have a particularly good reaction, not the best but honestly not the worst, he said he wouldn't spread the news to the others and he hasn't. Tbh, my thoughts are that they haven't bothered to message me in all this time (since Christmas) so why should I, really? If you don't want to contact me, I don't want some fake care awarded to my child. Although I want my child to have as big a family network as possible, I'd rather surround them with genuine authentic people then a whole bunch of lies. The thing is with my family, they're not very direct to put it lightly, they don't seem to respond well to being faced with the truth it seems and prefer to pretend everything's alright and our family is normal. And the slightest bit of drama is blown into massive proportion, so me not telling them will be seen as massive. My mother has been supportive throughout my pregnancy and has been there for me, which I really appreciate, but she doesn't seem to understand me not telling my siblings. One of them sends threatening texts to me and my housemate on a regular occasion and they all talk, I would be a lot more inclined to tell the other of my siblings if I was sure it wouldn't get back to this one, I do not want him to know anything about my child. So, there's a lot of reasons I do not feel inclined to tell them, yet I actually really would be receptive to a relationship with some of them if they made an effort too, but I guess the question is at what cost. Most of them have not been unkind to my face, just fake and all intent on playing the game where we all pretend everything's okay. I know they'll probably reach out on my next birthday. Do I say when they ask what I've been up to, "oh you know, the usual, having a baby.." should I reach out and let them know before my child is here? Am I being unreasonable to have not done so?

OP posts:
Cantthinkofaname2203 · 27/04/2023 05:37

Do you mean are they entitled to know you’ve had a baby?

no, they aren’t. If you don’t want them involved, don’t tell them.

autienotnaught · 27/04/2023 05:39

It's totally up to you. We are not obligated to have a relationship with family at all. I would block and go nc with anyone who is abusive and the rest it's your choice . I hope you have people around you who are supportive to you.

Confusion101 · 27/04/2023 06:17

Unless you go totally NC, i imagine they will find out eventually and the backlash will be worse for you if you haven't told them. (or maybe it won't, you know your family better than me). Could you tell them now and if they bring any negativity just be like "I'm pregnant and don't need this stress. Bye". Hope this isn't ruining any pregnancy / baby excitement for you and you are looking forward to it all ❤️

Julietand · 27/04/2023 06:58

I say either go NC and don’t talk to them at all, or just tell them/let other family members tell them about the baby, as it’s odd and just as fake/game-playing to do this - make a point of not telling them until they talk to you first? Like it seems that you’re just trying to use a life event to get one over on them. It’s kind of controlling and seems like you’re making a big deal to make a point to them. If you don’t like them, don’t talk with them at all.

Pottedpalm · 27/04/2023 07:02

Sounds like something from Eastenders

WhatNoRaisins · 27/04/2023 07:08

OP I think you need to think realistically about your family. If they weren't a supportive network before you have a baby they aren't going to just turn into one after the baby is born. People's behaviour can change but it has to come from within themselves, you can't make them into better people yourself.

I would honestly focus on the people who treat you well regardless of whether you are related to them. Have you considered any counselling to talk about your difficult childhood? It sounds like you need an outside perspective on your family.

Secondwindplease · 27/04/2023 07:23

You don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want to, of course, but I’d reflect on your motivations here if I were you. It sounds to me like you want to keep it from them so that when they do find out, it is a stark reminder of how distant you all are. That is not a good way to go about making a fractured relationship stronger.

If I found out my sister was having a baby after the birth I would assume she did not want me in her life at all.

WhatNoRaisins · 27/04/2023 09:10

I agree, I'd find it really odd if someone didn't tell me that they were having a baby but then expected me to be a meaningful part of their life after the baby was born. You can't really have it both ways.

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