AIBU to not be worried about ND son?

[ellie09]

I have a 6 year old boy currently undergoing assessment for autism. Everyone has agreed that he needs some help, especially socially.

Anyway, I have got used to his little traits and he seems to enjoy his "alone time" and goes between other children yet doesn't easily form a close bond.

His dad and his granny (on dad's side) are becoming really upset (I almost think its irrational and its bothering me).

I picked up LO the other day to his granny crying (in front of LO) saying how he needs help as she feels sorry for him not having any friends and how she wants him to be "happy".

I immediately become annoyed. First of all, I don't really want her saying these things in front of my son and also seeing her get upset over him. Second of all, I have tried explaining to her that it may just be a preference of his as he enjoys his time alone and that there was no point in getting upset, if he wasn't getting upset about it.

I tend to focus on the positive - that he is kind, caring, intelligent and a really strong character. They only seem to be highlights every single negative and its starting to bother me. I don't want it feeding down to LO and affecting his self esteem.

Once or twice he has mentioned about wanting friends or that "nobody is his friend", so I have tried to teach him social interactions, things to say and how to behave (he struggles with taking turns etc) but I haven't exactly forced anything. I am not worried overly about it either because I don't see it as a huge barrier with all of the other positive character traits that he has.

AIBU to not be pushing him more to make friends and be "sociable"

I'm autistic and was considered very strange by my mum for being quiet and constantly being pushed into social situations which left me overwhelmed. I also craved friendship and social interaction but didn't know how to do that.

I think that it's fantastic that you are embracing your DS for who he is and allowing him to be himself but there also does need to be a bit of balance. He has expressed that he wants friendships so finding some way for him to socially interact with some kids is a good idea. Being friendless can be really lonely.

For me it was Brownies and also music lessons and playing in an orchestra. For him it might be lego or sport or chess that helps him. Small groups are easier to cope with than larger gatherings and activity based groups give something to focus on.

I mean I think his gran was ridiculous to be crying and talking about him when he was there, but I found it sad to have experiences like that (crying about having no friends) with my little boy. I think it is sad to see your child crying about not having friends.

Oh sorry I don’t know where I saw crying. Must have mixed it up with the grandma. Saying about having no friends anyway. Not awful or really concerning but I would find it a bit sad.

Aged 6, friends are so fickle in any case.
It sounds like you are encouraging resilience and positivity to your DS. Your DS's grandmother, but particularly your DS's father, need to reinforce your attitude and not highlight situations your DS struggles with.
I suspect your DS will find 'his people' more easily as he matures; could be the chess club, gaming or a hundred other scenarios.

Where did you pick him up from? If you arrived at granny's house with other children around that she is looking after who your LO is being hostile to, that's a scenario where I would sympathize with granny.
Friendships and sharing should be encouraged even if your child is ND. If they really can't do it, you can't expect indirect relatives to be completely happy about it. Ask her to help rather than criticize.

He does do Scouts every week and he has a play date once a week also with my best friends son who is a similar age. He doesn't seem to be able to have strong friendships. He will float around different children but doesn't have a "friendship group".

He had a best friend at school but apparently they had a falling out because my LO had one of his meltdowns and hit him. Now they've been told to stay away from each other. He seems pretty upset at that, but I have told him some ways he can apologize and make amends. Its difficult when you can't be a fly on the wall at school

It does sound like he has some social activities he enjoys, from your OP he sounded totally isolated.

Help him develop his”special interests” the things he loves that’s what will make him happy. Through these interests he may develop friends - a sport, trains, chess, music is quite a common one for autistic kids to be drawn to, astronomy, gaming when he is older. Developing these deep interests I think is the way towards happiness fo autistic people. Often these special interests develop into a career.

I have an autistic son who does friends, not many but enough. My son is seen as the expert in their shared interests, the autism allows him to develop this expert status.

Autistic kids have a different childhood not worse just different. Granny needs to grow up and get informed. There is more than one way of having a happy childhood.

Radical acceptance.

Allow him to enjoy life in his own autistic way.

YANBU, my 5yo DS is being assessed for ASD and is exactly the same. He doesn’t have friends either though is well liked and perfectly happy in himself. He mostly plays with his older sister and her friends at playtime, is always happy to do activities with other children in his class but never seeks out specific children.

I get where your MIL is coming from as I’ve been sad at times to see my DS doesn’t have those strong friendships, but she’s totally out of line to behave like that in front of him. And needs to appreciate his strengths.

I teach in a secondary school and can think of quite a few ASD boys who by secondary school find their like minded tribe so I am just keeping optimistic that it DS wants friends at some stage he will do the same!

Hmm, I’m not agreeing with grandma’s hyperbole but it sounds like he isn’t doing as great as you say. It doesn’t sound like he ‘just prefers to be on his own’ to me, it sounds like he wants to socialise and have friends but isn’t properly supported/finds it difficult to do so. Naturally if he’s hurting other children they won’t want to be friends with him, and that’s completely understandable, but the school shouldn’t be just ‘telling them to stay apart from each other,’ there really should be a support plan in place for the safety of other kids plus the social and emotional advancement of your child. Are they doing much to support him in making good relationships?

It’s not really him ‘enjoying his life in his own autistic way’ if he’s mentioned that he doesn’t have any friends and that he is sad his best friend doesn’t want to play with him anymore since he hit him. I accept my son in every way but I wouldn’t plaster over his difficulties to ‘radically accept’ him.

I know personally and have worked with a number of people with ASD. I found that the people who thrived the most were the ones who's families accepted them for the individual they are and helped them grow and develop their strengths while helping them navigate the rest. Two I know now have really professional jobs they are excelling in and live abroad but are in regular contact with their parents by phone. Another two I know started their own business again playing to their strengths. At the end of the day that approach tends to work best with any child because at the core you're teaching them respect, self determination and self value. Obviously everyone with autism is different and will have different ability but don't we all...

I would sit down with them and be really direct that you are very concerned about the effect their attitude will have on ds and what he might absorb from it.

Years ago when l began teaching and we didn't know as much about Autism l spoke to a child's mom as her son never mixed. She said..oh don't worry we just accept him the way he is and understand that he doesn't want to mix. Go on about 30 years and l saw his name in the paper as he had won an award in Hollywood for a very obscure movie. We live in lreland. So obviously his mom was right and as she expected he found his niche.
Play to your child's strengths.
Another thing l have noticed in my years teaching is that often the person most upset has undiagnosed autism themselves and they are really struggling with the whole notion.

Just be aware that things change as they get older. Kids who "didn't even need a diagnosis and are just quirky" at 6 can be struggling to attend school at 11 and unable to attend and traumatised by years of trying by 15. It's lovely that you are seeing the positives, but don't let that blind you to his needs as his social landscape and the stresses of school continue to evolve.

People only get a diagnosis if their lives are substantially impacted by their autism. It's a fine and nuanced line between acceptance of quirks and denial of the barriers your child may face, but be unable to communicate to you.

OK...it's entirely possible that the following is irrelevant, but on the offchance that it's not....

Autism is (generally) a genetic condition. In my family, we can trace it back at least five generations on my mother's side - they somewhat irritatingly call it "the family problem", because "autism" was too scary and carried the implication of being institutionalised (as happened to a few members of the family who weren't willing to bend to the world).

So, for generations, the mothers would teach their children how to hide it, and blend in (ie masking), without ever talking about it. We got so good at it that 90% of us lived and died without anybody noticing there was something different; I'm the first one to have been diagnosed and not institutionalised...in fact, my grandmother's final letter to my mother was congratulating her on what a brilliant job she'd done helping me into the world without anybody being the wiser.

I'm not criticising this, of course; while the world's different now, back when I was growing up (the 70s and 80s) any diagnosis would've meant "special school" and a life lived under the unnecessary shadow of a disability. I'm grateful for everything that they did for me, I truly am. However, I can't escape the feeling that my family isn't unique like this.

So...with all that in mind...is it possible that his granny already knows about autism, by a different name? And, by accepting the fact that your son is different and embracing it, you're going against generations of received wisdom about how to deal with a "family problem"? In that context, it's not entirely surprising that she'd be upset, because the consequences of being an out-and-proud autistic person in her time were severe and life-altering for the worse.

Lest we forget, it's only in the last 5-10 years that the general population has accepted that autistic folk are actually pretty OK, really, and might have something useful to contribute. Hell, even stuff that was "known" by the medical community 10 years ago has now been thoroughly debunked, so it wouldn't be surprising that her knowledge of how the modern world looks through an autistic lens might be a bit out of step with your view on it.

Grandma's behaviour in front of the child isn’t helpful.

For my children with autism diagnosis I always super supported them with their special interests but did not force them to socialise for the sake of socialisation.

What I did was more give them the opportunity to be around people that shared the same interests and hope that friendships blossomed. A few long lasting, what I would say their version of friendships are, did blossom. They’ve had these few friends that I helped facilitate for 10 years plus.

If your son shows an interest in ANYTHING, dance, art, trains, planes, animal, emergency services etc then seek out a suitable group for him!

We can trace it 4 generations. We speculate about the 5th but aren’t certain!

A diagnosis may help with receiving support and help him understand his identity and who he is. But it doesn't change him as a person. You are doing the right thing, loving him for who he is.

I think your approach is on the whole the right way but there needs to be a balance.

i would talk to school about social skills programs they could apply in school to help develop the social skills

Aha! We're not alone! :D

My DD (12) has ASD and was like this at 6 but has a lovely group of friends now.

The biggest step for me was realising that her natural place was what is often seen as a third wheel. For her it was having nice people she could hang around with but there was no pressure to do so if she just wanted to run around in circles that lunchtime. She doesn't take it personally at all if they do things without her, in the way people on MN get outraged by, and the worst thing I could have done is put that idea in her head that it was a slight. Over time her group has grown, particularly when a new girl joins the class and finds this group without any unpleasant dynamics and drama.

Having a game like UNO or top trumps in her bag also helps as she knows she has a "tool" if things get awkward with someone - this takes the pressure off by just being there and she doesn't often suggest it.

I also often hosted playdates with two other kids round at the same time and I planned what they'd do - although as she has got older she is now able to have one on one without feeling pressured.