To ask you how you instil self confidence (and body confidence) in your children?

[TenThousandFireflies]

This really.

i have two girls (9 and 6). I have always struggled with self confidence. Shyness. Self doubt. Imposter syndrome. Weight issues etc.

it is important that this stops with me. but I don’t know how to break the cycle.

Just looking for a discussion around this really. Looking for some suggestions and things to think about.

Apologies I did not mean to enable voting. Please just ignore it.

I think it's brilliant that you've decided to stop the cycle. What can you remember about how the issues began with you? That's the starting point.

Focus on what you/they can with your bodies not what they look like. Focus on learning and what your can do and know, because it takes you further than looks. Often society put looks first, but you only get anywhere by having something else to offer. Find the something else, even if you are all gorgeous and attractive people. It's not relevant!

I'm currently questioning whether it is breakable. I'm like you OP but I always thought my mum caused it with abandoning me on a regular basis, calling me worthless and fat for gaining half a pound and for in her own words wishing I was a cot death statistic.

My daughter is almost 5 and so shy and lacking confidence and yet I parent very differently to my mother.

Just set them a good example and try to be confident yourself.

Perhaps read some self help books on confidence and self esteem. There's some goos podcasts too.

I'm a very confident person but didn't used to be. I do my best to teach my kids to be themselves and be kind.

This is a good question. I’m not really all that sure. There is no big, defining moment. I didn’t have a bad childhood or anything but my parents did stuff I would do differently, I suppose.

i mean I think I listen to my children a lot more than my parents did. My parents weren’t great at that, we were kind of never really taken seriously.

i worry particularly about my youngest. She has developed a very intense friendship with a very strong, overbearing girl. Her whole personality seems to have been subsumed and now she’s copying this girl’s mannerisms, only talks about what this girl says/thinks etc. i keep saying to her “and what about you? What do you think?” But she doesn’t really respond. I guess she’s only 6 but I’m worried about how she seems to be lacking in confidence

I've been thinking about this recently. I have no trouble telling my kids that they're amazing, but find it very hard to break the habit of putting myself down in front of them.

I had 3 DDs, now adults. Tell them they are great, tell them you are proud of them, give them buckets and buckets of love. Do not dwell on how they look - a passing comment like "that colour really suits you" is fine. Make them feel good about themselves in every way..... "I loved seeing your school books on parents' evening"; "You did so well when you were dancing/reading/singing or whatever."

Affirmation, affirmation, affirmation. You cannot do too much of it.

Don't make a big thing of your weight issues - just quietly do what you need to do without comment.

I tell my kids they are amazing all the time. And funny and kind and clever. My eldest in particular, she’s insanely clever. Way more than I am. But other than telling them that I don’t know what else?

Controversial opinion but I feel the best way to have body confidence is to have a good body. Which takes dedication. It's much harder when bad habits are instilled early. When you see fat parents, fat kids, fat dog, you know it's going to be hard for the kids to break the cycle, especially if they hit adulthood already being hefty.

As to your youngest and the overbearing friend - ignore it, unless DD is upset. This whole thing with girls' friendships can be a pain, and I found it was best to keep out of it as much as possible within reason. Don't ask her what her view is when she has said something about this friend - take another opportunity outside of that conversation to seek her views about something else entirely and praise her for being sensible/thoughtful or whatever.

That is enough!!! - don't dismiss or devalue it. But it is also important with clever children not to just praise them for that (after all it is innate - it is not something that has cost them any effort) but to praise them for other things - e.g. being kind.

It is important that when you feel anxious about say this difficult friend that you do not convey your anxiety to your DD by dwelling on it.

Show them with your actions. Take them hiking, camping, travelling. Learn and teach how to use power tools, change a tyre, wire a plug, cook on an open fire. Encourage them to read about different lives, religions, cultures. Take them to the theatre, the opera, the zoo, self defence lessons. Our minds have no limits, allow them to discover.

Honestly I don't know if you can really. I was determined to bring up my DC to be 'confident' but they are naturally shy, anxious and quite passive (with outsiders, not at home!). This is despite them having a generally positive upbringing.

I was the same as a child and grew out of it to an extent, though not until well into my teenage years/early adulthood. So I would say, do your best, but don't overestimate your own influence. Some of it is just personality and other stuff you can't really change.

Thank you mischance this makes so much sense to me.

i probably do put too much emphasis on looks. I mean I do believe it’s important to look neat and we’ll turned out. But it’s deeper than that. I have battled and worried about my weight since I was about 14 because I thought that weight and self worth were intrinsically linked (thanks mum). And now I can’t shake that off, even though on a conscious level I know it’s not true. If that makes sense.

i have more self awareness than to go on and on about weight in front of my girls (who are both healthy weights) but they do pick up on some elements of it I think. Im going to stop this right now.