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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU here? Me or ex

18 replies

tothetower · 26/04/2023 19:40

My son is 12 ex and I split up when he was 2. We have an arrangement in place whereby DS is with me Fri after school til Monday drop off and that has been the set up for the last 8 years.

We flex when needed if one of us is busy. We both moved away from where we lived together and now live approx 45 mins away one way. I do all pick ups and drop offs and always have.

Anyway, DS text me today asking if I could pick him up from school, take him to football training (not his usual, with one of his friends who wanted him to come along) then drop him back at his mums. I said I couldn't because my other DS has a club on tonight that I take to and ask why his mum wasn't taking him.

He then sent me screenshots of the conversation with his mum which was something like this -

DS: can i go training with tonight. Need to be there at 5.30
Ex: do you have to love I just wanted to chill tonight and not do anything
DS: please I really want to go you only have to drop me off and pick me up
Ex: can't you text your dad- he can take you to spend some time with you

Now this has absolutely enraged me. I live 45 mins away, why would I make a 90 minute round trip to drop him, hand around god knows where for 1.5 hours and then pick him back up and take to his mums. The training is max 10 mins from her house.

But tbh the 'to spend some time with you' has really pissed me off. I spend a lot of time with him. He's here all weekend. I pick him up Friday. We drive back over Saturday morning for football and then I drop him back at school Monday morning.

This is obviously quite minor but it's just a build up of little things and I can't quite believe she'd have me do all that because she couldn't be bothered.

Also, son is 12 but she doesn't let him do anything alone so tbh if he were here and wanted to go somewhere 10 mins away I would let him cycle there but she won't.

So AIBU. I obviously haven't raised this with her just silently raging. And she did take him in the end.

OP posts:

Applebyapples · 26/04/2023 19:57

YANBU, unless there's any chance there's an actual reason she didn't want to take your son that she isn't comfortable telling him (e.g. personal illness). I would maybe let it go as a one off, but you may need to raise it with her if this kind of thing keeps happening

As a side note, I wouldn't tell your son that you can't take him anywhere because you're taking your other son somewhere instead. Just say it's too far for you to travel on a week night and his mum needs to take him when he's staying with her

TheSnowyOwl · 26/04/2023 20:06

Yanbu. Not sure how you can raise this without your ex realising your son has told you what she said though.

Stripycatz · 26/04/2023 20:08

I think the fact that you are both communicating through your son says everything.

Talk to her.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/04/2023 20:09

You sound a bit weird being so angry, calm down, she told him to ask not to expect a yes from you, why can't he ask you?
You also don't know what kind of day she has had, so I find you " seething " an over reaction.
I wouldn't a thing tbh because she took him in the end, you've got nothing to rage about.

Original poster

tothetower · 26/04/2023 20:16

@TomatoSandwiches
I think it's the implication from her messages that I would need to 'spend time with him' even thought this wouldn't me that anyway and I actually spend plenty of time with him.

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 26/04/2023 20:17

TomatoSandwiches · 26/04/2023 20:09

I see you fortunately have never had to deal with an ex.

Of course he can be cross that the ex is trying to make him a bad guy when he can't just drop everything to do a 90 minute drive to take the son somewhere when she can't be arsed.

Original poster

tothetower · 26/04/2023 20:17

@Stripycatz

We don't normally, but he'd obviously asked her- because it was her time, and she told him to ask me.

OP posts:

Cathairinmysoup · 26/04/2023 20:20

YANBU, she’s being a dick and should never have said that to your son.

I would let it slide though. You unfortunately can’t control the things she says and your son doesn’t need to see / feel any hostility.

Mayorquimby2 · 26/04/2023 20:23

Yeah it's a dick move, she's decided that the terms are now "your dad can do it, if he says no it's because he doesn't want to spend time with you. " which isn't fair

But I wouldn't raise it, that would make it a bigger deal than it is

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/04/2023 20:23

I think you’re most angry at the least worst bit to be honest - the worst thing for me would be the fact the poor kid wasn’t getting to go. She should at least let him make his own way, unless there’s some massive backstory.

Im assuming football is usually the same evening? I can understand really wanting to chill if you’d been expecting to be able to all day, but sometimes that’s just life and you have to go somewhere - but again I don’t see why he can’t take himself if it’s 10 mins.

Saying “he can spend some time with you” is a bit rude but maybe she means 1-2-1 time, and perhaps your ds has been complaining about not having this? I’d let that wash over me if it was my ex (and yes I do have one).

What happened in the end?

The arrangement doesn’t sound ideal for one payment to have all the weekdays (back and forth to school, slog of that and after school clubs etc, possibly racing back from work if she’s not wfh etc), and the other getting all the weekends and quality time. Is there any way to change this so you both get weekend and weekday time?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/04/2023 20:24

One parent, not one payment.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/04/2023 20:27

SeasonFinale · 26/04/2023 20:17

I see you fortunately have never had to deal with an ex.

Of course he can be cross that the ex is trying to make him a bad guy when he can't just drop everything to do a 90 minute drive to take the son somewhere when she can't be arsed.

Show quote history

I honestly can not see how she was trying to make him the bad guy... sounds tired and was just hoping perhaps his dad could take him to me but I suppose you can find different meaning in words according to specific agendas.

ButterCrackers · 26/04/2023 20:31

Good that you explained to your son. He can understand that you had a real reason not to able to take him whilst his mum didn’t want to bother. It might get more complicated when your son with your ex starts to go out in the evenings. Have a discussion with your ex on how to manage the future I’m going out situations.

Gcsunnyside23 · 26/04/2023 20:41

TomatoSandwiches · 26/04/2023 20:27

Show quote history

Her saying to their son 'ask your dad so he can spend time with you' is terrible. It's implying the dad doesn't spend time but he does but if dad can't it also puts it in the sons head that his dad didn't want extra time with him and distracts from her looking like a lazy cow for not taking her kid to football

Gcsunnyside23 · 26/04/2023 20:42

I wouldn't bring up the messages between ex and your son but I would talk to her about him having more freedom, like getting himself there and back of its close by and not dark out. Kids need a bit of independence

Quartz2208 · 26/04/2023 20:48

Why did your son send the screenshots. Am I right that this wasn’t a usual training day

Also what is the clubs on a weekday vs weekend split

Original poster

tothetower · 26/04/2023 20:52

@Quartz2208
Because he's lazy and rather than type out responses I either get voice notes of screenshots.

He trains on evening a week and games on a Saturday morning so one each.

OP posts:

Original poster

tothetower · 26/04/2023 20:53

@Gcsunnyside23

Yes it's a bone of contention between us at the moment.

OP posts:

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