Regular poster commenter MC for privacy.
I want to preface this by saying I have far too much experience of this myself before anyone says anything, but I am well aware of that we all react differently and need different things in these situations.
Also that I’m not annoyed (this point will become clear) just sad and worried I’ve not been there enough.
also so long but didn’t want to drip feed
So DF who I would consider very close/best even though I hate the latter term. Don’t live near families.
she’d had some spotting and subsequent scan. Fine but smaller than dates. I knew from experience not always good news but tried to keep level and positive with her, it’s very early, difficult to be exact with dates especially early on. Lots of hand holding.
Went on holiday back to my home country for spring break. Very busy as I’ve not been back since Oct and had lots of family obligations but kept in touch and when I knew she had a 2nd scan I texted her at 4pm that day to see how it had gone (she hadn’t told me the time just knew it was that day) not good news and she told me she needed me to take her for lots of wine when we got back. I messaged her back straight away saying how sorry I was and what I felt was a heartfelt message no platitudes just I was sorry and acknowledging how tough it was going to be both physically and mentally, and how sorry I was I wasn’t there, but that I would be round as soon as I got back for a hug/wine/cuppa. I didn’t get any response to this - totally understandable and not needed. This was on the Weds. I messaged her on the Fri with some heart emojis. No response and again none expected.
We arrived back Sun late eve (not sure she’d assumed we’d be back like 6/7pm as I’d just said evening but it was nearly 8:30 and obviously past all kiddies bed times ).
I message her first thing Monday morning - 8am, checking in and asking if she was working, I don’t work Mondays (as she knows) and know she often doesn’t. I didn’t specifically say do you want me to drop in but kinda thought that’s what I was obviously angling at….if she’d have said yes I would have said shall I come across but she said no she wasn’t until later on in the week but she’d taken DC to daycare and was now going back to bed as all she wanted to do was just sleep. Aha I understand that all too well and took her saying that as as yep shes fucked and also doesn’t want to see anyone.
On Mon eve I picked her up some flowers and some treats whilst on way home and dropped them off, I didn’t actually expect her to be up and didn’t and I didn’t want to intrude but wanted to show a kind gesture, she was up and about but I had the kids in the car. I gave her hugs, they invited me in but was wary of not intruding and also couldn’t leave kids.
We didn’t really get chance to say much and was wary of having abandoned children so I honestly can’t remember if she told me, but she was having another scan later in week. I just dropped the stuff and gave cuddles
There was no response to that in terms of a message the following day so kind of assumed she just needed some quiet after what she’d said on message on Monday. Also didn’t really expect/need a response.
Then to my shame I then didn’t contact her again until Friday. The week just got away with me 😓. I feel terrible though as I do a fitness thing early most mornings and as I regularly do I posted a few pics of that on Social media.
I called her Friday afternoon - we don’t normally do phone calls but was actually out in car without kids so thought that would be better than a message. She Didn’t answer but I then sent VM saying I was checking and sorry for the call but I had actually had some child free time to be properly present and thought I would try on the off chance. No response.
Sat morning we planned a low key family day out - something we’d definitely normally give them the heads up to. I did that as one thing I hated was for honestly getting on 3 months friends really left me out of things. She did respond that evening and positively thanks but no thanks.
So here goes why I think I might have upset, I bumped into another friend Sat aft. Her and DF chat/socialise with a wider group (inc me) but defs much more of acquaintances to each other IYKWIM. She said how Terrible she felt for DF and how she’d seen her on school run last wk and proceeded to tell me stuff (assuming I would know) about DF having had another scan that week, not good and how she was being admitted to hospital. But that she was trying to be positive and that DF was so ready for a glass of wine and a night out and that they’d discussed getting a night out organised to cheer her up🤨.
I didn’t know any of this and she definitely wasn’t interested in even seeing me let alone organising anything for the future.
We’ve been VM’ing over wknd/this wk and on Sun she told me about the hospital but she’s been cooler than normal, obviously she’s having the shittest of times and I wouldn’t even have batted an eyelid if not for above.
I wondered whether I hadn’t been positive enough and tried to mention booking lunch/cocktails in for the end of next month and said (as is true) how having something v to look forward to helped me - literally zero acknowledgement of this.
Then I bumped into her DH on school run said how sorry I was for both of them he was coolish but mentioned hospital, I said look how are you fixed for childcare - neither of us have family. Said childminder was helping and that someone else would goo with her to hospital with her in eve if needed. I said oh must have registered that this was all news to me and that he sounded evasive, so he said Jenny Smith ( not real name) is going. Jenny Smith and DF’s husbands work together and our kids are at some school (different classes) but I know for a FACT they’d only ever exchanged school run chit chat until having dinner together - organised via husbands 6 weeks ago. Now she can ask who she damn well likes to support her but this is odd isn’t it. I’d already said can we do anything to help to her - no response, and obviously had asked her DH in person. Told her I’d spoken to DH and asked if they needed any help but knew they were sorted for the hospital but please just ask if anything changes. Her response was ‘I’ll certainly put you on the list of potential helpers’ 😕.
Have I been completely shit?? Not much I could have done from another country but should I have tried to call her whilst away?? I just felt actually being there in person would be better and tried to do that at earliest opp!
also worried she told me about the second scan but honestly from what she’d said I thought I had fully happened. Had no idea a D&C was on cards.