Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this trouble you?

21 replies

mamaworries · 26/04/2023 08:32

Hi there, I know some of you will disagree so please be kind.

We have two under two and DH is travelling for work soon. I am going back to to work full time from maternity at a high level and busy job two weeks before his planned travel. I have asked to look for help as I can't do childcare by myself while having to commute to London (we are an hour away from) twice a week, with kids in two different nurseries to drop off and pick up. He's suggested I take AL. Work will be very unhappy about this and I feel uncomfortable.

DH is self employed and in control of his time. He can work as much or as little as he wants as he can delegate. He's also made a decision to do most of childcare to enable me to continue my career as he feels he's achieved his goals in his. But in reality, suddenly he wants to expand the business and make changes etc as well as travel for a week at a time internationally, all in this same time as I am going back to work.

I feel really confused and so stressed as I am not sure how this will work out and I will end up carrying all the mental and logistical load as well as work. I feel disappointed that his verbal commitment and practice aren't matching.

When I said we should get help when he's away, he said whomever we hire should also help him when I am in London two days a week. To be clear, kids are at Nursury in the morning and in the afternoon his parents come and play with them so that if he wants to work he can. But he never does, as he likes to socialise with his parents and doesn't really need to work really. I never thought I would but suddenly I feel so uncomfortable about getting help as I don't want someone else in my home with my husband playing mummy! I feel so backward and stupid for feeling like this. And upset with my husband for putting conditions for getting help like this, and for giving me false promises about how I can keep my career as he will step in. I feel that if we have to have someone looking after kids in the afternoons of when I am at work then that's not the right job for me and I should step back? I only took this promotion to higher mgt as he encouraged me he's got it.

Am I wrong to feel like this? Does anyone relate? What would you do?

Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 26/04/2023 08:39

If the children are in nursery and his parents are there to help then why do you need more help?

it sounds like realistically you both need to sit down together and come up with a long term plan.

Fidgety31 · 26/04/2023 08:43

Are you only going to work twice a week ? I’m sure you can manage nursery and a commute for two days ? If he’s not there you will have to learn to cope on your own it ask his parents to help more .

Testarossa44 · 26/04/2023 08:50

You could look at getting a part time nanny. I’m one and most of us are flexible to do extra hours when required. I’ve nannied for 30 years and have never considered it as ‘playing mummy’ I’ve never known any other nannies that have thought that way either.

happinessischocolate · 26/04/2023 12:59

Are you working 5 days or 2?

I'd probably take AL just to stop DH from thinking he can pull this tiny again!

Can you take half days so the dc still go to nursery but your drop off and pick up is easier?

happinessischocolate · 26/04/2023 12:59

Stunt not tiny lol

Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 13:05

Your husband is being very very unreasonable

Are you sure he agrees with you returning to work?

Seems to me like he wants to keep you at home and quite frankly yes your employer will be miffed to say the least if you try to take annual leave two weeks after returning from maternity

If this man doesn’t need to work then tell me why are you going back? Is it money or choice?

One thing is for sure he does not want to be a stay at home father

I think he thought you would change your mind on your career…………

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 26/04/2023 13:11

Fidgety31 · 26/04/2023 08:43

Are you only going to work twice a week ? I’m sure you can manage nursery and a commute for two days ? If he’s not there you will have to learn to cope on your own it ask his parents to help more .

Replies about childcare miss the point.

He made promises to OP about supporting her return to work. Now he's withdrawn what he promised and is sabotaging her career.

This isn't about childcare, at all.

WhiteBloatus · 26/04/2023 13:15

You have every right to feel aggrieved if your husband said he was going to take a step back from his business to step up on childcare and support you in your career and isn’t actually doing that now it comes to it. Have you asked him why he has shifted the goals posts, what was he envisaging this would look like as seems like he was/is not on the same page as you?
Incidentally - why 2 different nursery’s of both children are under 2?

Sounds likes either way you will both need to sit down and formalise your shared expectations of who is doing what and therefore what gaps if any need to be plugged.

SmileyClare · 26/04/2023 13:17

How did it work when you had your first child? Was he doing most of the childcare and drop offs then while you were the main earner?

You need to thrash out a new work/life plan if he wants to change your agreement.

It sounds as though he wants an easy ride- happy for you to be the main earner but not wanting to uphold his end of the agreement which was childcare.

Its probably dawned on him how difficult it is to care for 2 under 2, now your new baby is here.

FictionalCharacter · 26/04/2023 13:22

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 26/04/2023 13:11

Replies about childcare miss the point.

He made promises to OP about supporting her return to work. Now he's withdrawn what he promised and is sabotaging her career.

This isn't about childcare, at all.

Show quote history

Agreed.

JudgeRudy · 26/04/2023 13:47

I'm unsure what your husbands work position is. Does his business generate family income still?
It sounds to me less about your husband thinking he's peaked/established himself enough, and more about him ridding himself of any reasonsibility. Sounds to me like he expects to do whatever he wants. I'm going to guess he has a nature where he can be ultra focused and committed to something eg work, babies/children...then he crashes and burns. He's now got another 'brilliant business plan' which will likely go well by bringing in income, and boosting his ego. I doubt he does this in a mean way or is even aware but you'll always be the supporting role.
Try pinning him to his words and getting him to support you. He could do it, he might do it...for 2 weeks. I think you are trying to fundamentally change someone's nature. I would not have wanted children with this man.

Ivesaidenough · 26/04/2023 13:59

Also agree with WinterofOurDiscountTentz. This is deliberate sabotage. * *

Original poster
mamaworries · 26/04/2023 16:36

JudgeRudy · 26/04/2023 13:47

I'm unsure what your husbands work position is. Does his business generate family income still?
It sounds to me less about your husband thinking he's peaked/established himself enough, and more about him ridding himself of any reasonsibility. Sounds to me like he expects to do whatever he wants. I'm going to guess he has a nature where he can be ultra focused and committed to something eg work, babies/children...then he crashes and burns. He's now got another 'brilliant business plan' which will likely go well by bringing in income, and boosting his ego. I doubt he does this in a mean way or is even aware but you'll always be the supporting role.
Try pinning him to his words and getting him to support you. He could do it, he might do it...for 2 weeks. I think you are trying to fundamentally change someone's nature. I would not have wanted children with this man.

You are right to a point. He loves the idea of being at home more and doing more of the childcare. But I think it's also downed on him that it's unrealistic to take a step back to the degree that he wants from his business.

I have to say that he's a fantastic father. He does more than his share of everything. So I can't agree with the other stuff you said here. But he's travelled all his life and I think he's finding not doing so difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamaworries · 26/04/2023 16:38

SmileyClare · 26/04/2023 13:17

How did it work when you had your first child? Was he doing most of the childcare and drop offs then while you were the main earner?

You need to thrash out a new work/life plan if he wants to change your agreement.

It sounds as though he wants an easy ride- happy for you to be the main earner but not wanting to uphold his end of the agreement which was childcare.

Its probably dawned on him how difficult it is to care for 2 under 2, now your new baby is here.

I worked part time, and fully from work. With this role though I cant do that. I have client facing responsibilities, line management and some meeting types that have to be in person hence the 2 day commute. The rest is WFH. I will be full time from September and he wants to travel two weeks later for a week. Hence the issue....

OP posts:
Original poster
mamaworries · 26/04/2023 16:40

WhiteBloatus · 26/04/2023 13:15

You have every right to feel aggrieved if your husband said he was going to take a step back from his business to step up on childcare and support you in your career and isn’t actually doing that now it comes to it. Have you asked him why he has shifted the goals posts, what was he envisaging this would look like as seems like he was/is not on the same page as you?
Incidentally - why 2 different nursery’s of both children are under 2?

Sounds likes either way you will both need to sit down and formalise your shared expectations of who is doing what and therefore what gaps if any need to be plugged.

Thing is, he doesn't think he has. He thinks I should be able to handle a week by myself and take leave. I really don't think I can take leave. I know it will piss my employer off.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamaworries · 26/04/2023 16:42

Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 13:05

Your husband is being very very unreasonable

Are you sure he agrees with you returning to work?

Seems to me like he wants to keep you at home and quite frankly yes your employer will be miffed to say the least if you try to take annual leave two weeks after returning from maternity

If this man doesn’t need to work then tell me why are you going back? Is it money or choice?

One thing is for sure he does not want to be a stay at home father

I think he thought you would change your mind on your career…………

I love my career and independence and I would t want to change that. We do also need the money.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamaworries · 26/04/2023 16:43

Fidgety31 · 26/04/2023 08:43

Are you only going to work twice a week ? I’m sure you can manage nursery and a commute for two days ? If he’s not there you will have to learn to cope on your own it ask his parents to help more .

No full time. But the issue isn't whether I can. cope, is it? Thought, I can't if I am working. We had an agreement and expectations of each other set before we had a second child.

OP posts:
Randobelia · 26/04/2023 16:44

a) he doesn't go - why does he need to go then and not when you're on mat leave?

b) can grandparents not do drop off/pick up for the week?

Original poster
mamaworries · 26/04/2023 16:48

Randobelia · 26/04/2023 16:44

a) he doesn't go - why does he need to go then and not when you're on mat leave?

b) can grandparents not do drop off/pick up for the week?

That's the thing. In my opinion, he doesn't need to go. It would be nice for him to be there but it's really not ideal timing wise.

The timing isn't determined by him unfortunates.

Parents live 45 minutes away so it's a bit much to ask to do pick up and drop off but they can do a couple of days of childcare. Which is very generous of course.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/04/2023 16:53

Tell him no, he cannot travel in September. Tell him it can be reassessed in January 24, when you’ve completed 3 months at your new role.

Mumof4alsoabonus · 26/04/2023 17:01

Why is he being difficult? He agreed he would be there for the children when you went back and so you wouldn’t need childcare. Now he’s gone back on that as soon as you are due to start. Out of order.
You suck that up and say ok but you will need childcare. He says only if you have it on the 2 days when he’s home with them anyway? Does he likely know you are uncomfortable with that and that’s why he’s saying it? (You are a little unreasonable for your reasons here tbh but not in that you don’t need a childminder those days). It sounds like gameplaying to me tbh from him. So why?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread