Autistic DN and dark web

[Superhanz]

I've come to AIBU for advice because I know it gets the most traffic. My SIL is raising her step son who is her ex partners child, they split up when he was 5 but his bio mother hasn't been in life since he was pretty much born so hes always called her mum and came back to live with her age 13, hes just very recently turned 16. His dad is useless, only thinks of himself and DN had been pulled in every direction after his dad cheats on another woman and moves onto the next and has more kids and so on. His dad is uninterested, he barely even texts him. SIL is very loving but works long hours and drinks heavily. I mention all this because he's had a fairly traumatic upbringing.

DN hasn't been I'm school since just turning 13, SIL wanted him in school but her ex had parental rights so he didn't bother and he's fallen through the cracks, SS have never come knocking. He was also diagnosed with autism age 13.

He's in the house 24/7 on the computer. Police came to the door almost two weeks ago about a report that he'd been sending neo nazi stuff and decapitation videos to another teen, he denied it but they have evidence. SIL has buried her head in the sand and has only just told us. We spend a lot of time together also with my sisters kids, trips away etc and the boys are all close (11 and 7) so I spoke to my sister who spoke to my 11 year old nephew (12 next week) and he said DN had shown him execution videos and porn. He also said DN is on the dark web and has a whole network of friends, hackers etc and neo nazis and argues with some of them. My 12 year old nephew was shaking like a leaf when being asked questions but he was able to give us a lot of information. I'm really troubled by it all, SIL isn't really taking it seriously, she's someone who buries her head in the sand. I'm concerned for the safety of DN and the stuff he's watching and him harming someone or someone harming him, the police said to SIL when they came out to call them if anyone came to her door but she didn't know what they meant at the time and asked them basically no questions or hasn't followed anything up.

I want to protect DN but also my other nephews and my own child who is only a toddler. I feel like it's almost falling on my shoulders because none of the adults who are meant to be responsible for DN are doing anything, his devices haven't even been checked and he's still at home all day on the computer. I mention his autism in this because he is vulnerable, his upbringing has made him look for a sense of belonging I think. He acts younger than 16. No-one is doing anything. Where would I start? Where would SIL start? He could over power her easily if she tried to take his devices.

I appreciate anyone who made it to the end!

I mean there has to be consequences for actions surely? He's going to end up with a terrorism conviction at this rate.

Not sure how she deals with the fallout, but access to the internet isn't a right. The billpayer can take the access away. I would be asking for support from family and friends if there was a chance of violent escalation. I appreciate that being ND complicates this.

Wonder if there are support networks out there to help people with this kind of thing...

Lots of advice and resources https://actearly.uk/contact/

... thinking about it. Supervised computer access rather than removing internet access might be the one. Computer on desk in living room at all times. Only used when SIL is present until trust is regained.

I would remove access to mobile phone internet though.

Lack of concern from SIL is concerning though...

Sounds like just about everyone has failed this kid (including those that just shrugged when he didn’t go to school for 3 years) and at 16 I’m afraid there’s not a lot of runway left to influence.

This is going to sound harsh and heartless but the only thing I would do in your shoes is to keep my kid away from him.

So your 11/12 year old DN has been exposed to this - is this his step siblings or step cousin? If step cousin what are his parents saying?

I have 16&12 year olds and I wouldn't be letting either of them be alone with him. It's fine to care him and it's crap he's had a troubled life but you can't do that at the expense of other children.

I really appreciate this. Thank you.

Honestly I would call social services. He’s not safe, the other children aren’t safe, and your SIL needs professional support and guidance.

They aren't related. 12 year old is sisters son and nephew in question is SIL as in husbands sisters son. Through me though the boys are all close and more like cousins.

All contact will be cut from here on unless heavily supervised. It may be cut permanently. My sister is fond on DN and knows him well but of course her children are her (and my) priority. My sister isn't angry at DN, she knows he's mentally younger than the 12 year old in most ways, she's more angry at those who have failed him but we may have to all cut contact if the other adults do frig all, and I mean even myself. Quite frankly I'm very frightened of the world he's losing himself in.

Myself and DH were furious that none of the adults got him into school. I had some contacts but without parental consent I could only get so far. I knew being stuck at home all day would be bad for him but I didn't even contemplate this in worst case scenario.

I don't disagree with your last statement tbh.

You must contact social services. Do it asap. He is being neglected horrifically.

He's at home alone all day so can't be supervised. He could easily over power SIL if he wanted to.

Her lack of concern is concerning though. I'm fucking furious, all of them have failed him. Now we'll have to take away the only real life friends he has (my nephews). We all do a lot of fun stuff together, water parks, weekends away. He'll lose all that. They've all failed him. But I'll probably have to walk away myself for the sake of my own family.

You need to contact SS straight away - you have a narrow window of opportunity here because of his age and he really needs someone to do the right (but difficult) thing by him.

Police said SS would be out but they haven't showed yet. I agree with you, I've discussed it with DH. He's going to speak to SIL tomorrow and either she contacts them or we do.

Tbh I wouldn't even speak to SiL she's proven herself to be useless at helping him.