To ask for help with teacher's meeting

[Sevenbells]

Have NC's for this as it's a bit identifying to anyone who knows me or the situation.

I am meeting my son's teacher on Friday. Long back story but essentially he feels she "hates" him and she's done a few things I'm not happy about.

One is that he was diagnosed with dyslexia last year but she is simply saying he's fine and he needs to read more books.

Two is that he was cold in class (he used to suffer from cold urticaria and really feels the cold) and put his hood on. She said to take it off, so he put his hands over his ears. She then touched his ears and said "Your ears can't be cold, they are red." For the record, he is self conscious about his ears as they do go red and they stick out a little, so I felt this was bullying. I don't want her touching him or commenting on his ears or appearance in general.

I suspect that she is going to do nothing, and I know from other parents that she is a bully and if I take it further ie to the headmaster he will not be at all surprised.

What I want is for him to be given support and encouragement, until the end of the year when we will change his school as we are moving cities. He doesn't want to move before then.

Any tips for handling the meeting? I hate confrontation and she is, shall we say, not a straightforward personality (could use another word but won't.)

It sounds like you're minimising his behaviour when it comes to the hoodie. It's not usual for children to be allowed to wear hoodies in class and it's definitely unacceptable for them to cover their ears when they're being told to do something. It seems unlikely that cold urticaria would suddenly strike in a centrally-heated classroom in the middle of a lesson rather than at break/lunch. Honestly I wouldn't make that a hill to die on because it sounds very unreasonable on your son's part.

The support for dyslexia is a different matter. I'd stick to that and stay on-topic. Dyslexia = reasonable adjustments. Perhaps one of those transparent coloured overlays so he can read more easily? A list of words to work on each week? She is right that he needs to read more regardless of his diagnosis but it will be a lot easier for him to read if he is supported.

Sounds like you want to reach a compromise so I would suggest a mediation-type approach:

offer to hear her out first. Try to understand her perspective. Try not to challenge and interrupt. Let snippy stuff wash over you if you can and stick to the main purpose which is reaching a compromise.

then ask if she can hear you out fully without interruption. Emphasise the impact of her actions and what you want to see that is different.

concede where you can and ask for concessions from her. Don’t ever get personal or make accusations.

good luck.

How old is he? Is this a state primary school teacher in the UK?

If you think that this teacher is a bully then I don't understand why you wouldn't be looking to move your child asap?

Did she say he is fine and needs to read more to you or your son. Make it clear he has had a diagnosis and ask her how she is supporting him. Also explain the condition re being cold (i have never heard of this) and tell her what adjustments you think need to be made and hopefully she will agree that these are reasonable in the classroom.

I would probably avoid the emotive things like he thinks you hate him but perhaps tell her he seems to be lacking in confidence this year and needs support to rebuild this. This could also be the case in he isn't being support properly with his dyslexia.

I would go in open minded and forget what other parents have said until this teacher gives you reason to think otherwise. If you're not satisfied with the outcomes and feel nothing has changed then you should escalate it to the head. Good luck!

Puffin Yes there could have been two sides to that story... it's more the calling attention to his ears that got me, but perhaps I need to let that one go and focus on the dyslexia. The classroom is freezing, the whole school is.

This can be a tricky situation, I’d suggest going in and asking how he is doing in class and listening to what she says first.

With the hood up, most schools I know of don’t allow hoods up or hoodies so she may be asking him to follow school rules. The answering that he is cold might seem to her that he is chatting back. Does she know he is sensitive about his ears? If not the id think it’s been a genuine coincidence that she’s said that.

I’m not doubting your son in anyway but she may have told him to keep practising and reading more to support him.

If you are unhappy with the outcome of Friday then speak with the head teacher and see what progress can be made there.

Roses he is nine, we aren't in the UK, it's a bilingual school in Europe so there aren't other options. Otherwise I would move him - we are moving at the end of the year so he can focus on one language.

Thanks all for advice so far. It's good to read sensible unemotional voices.

I imagine the temperature in the room will be set centrally, so she won’t be able to change it.

bluevelvetsofa she opens the windows, according to my son.

Does the school have a SEN team or a SENCO that you could contact about the dyslexia? Did his diagnosis come with any advice on what adjustments might be helpful for him in the classroom?

Focus on what support you think he needs to access the curriculum and how you and she can work together to improve the outcomes for him.

Has the SENCo had any input? Was the dyslexia diagnosis from a private EP?

There is a SENCO teacher but there just hasn't been anything done, despite us asking on numerous occasions.

The communication with the teacher is quite restricted - you can only contact her through writing in a school diary the kids carry, and even today she apparently got annoyed as I had left in an old Post-it note from a previous unread note, and she made my son find the right page (on today's date, not hard.)

And yes the dyslexia diagnosis was from a private psychologist. He did hours of tests, it was definitive, but she is simply acting as if it doesn't exist.

it's more the calling attention to his ears that got me,

It was your son who called attention to his ears, by covering them so he couldn't hear her perfectly reasonable instruction.. To do that when a teacher is speaking directly to him, is both rude and deliberately provocative.

You need to meet with the teacher and the SENCO at the same time, have a dispassionate meeting. Did you give them both a copy of the diagnosis and the recommendations from the specialist, or just tell them ‘He’s dyslexic’ and leave them to figure out what to do?
Leave the hoodie and the ears out of it, focus on what support he needs to learn in class.

Presuming the school has copies of the dyslexia diagnosis, you need to ask for the equivalent of a personalised programme which will assure his needs are catered for. This is usually in the form of extra time for tests, differently formatted materials, reduced content in tests and use of computer if appropriate.

I'd leave aside the hoodie. Not many schools anywhere would accept a child putting his hoodie over his ears in lesson time.

I am not sure how schools view private diagnosis.

When DS was being home schooled I though he might be a bit dyslexic and I spoke to our SS about how I could go about getting a test/diagnosis now he wasn't in the school system. I was told the only way would be a private one, but that they aren't worth the paper they are written on, so it was up to me if I wanted to go the private route, but it wasn't recommended. Basically, you can pay anyone to say what you want them to say, whereas one done via a EP/NHS/LA route can't be "bought" by a parent.

I can see you are not schooling in the UK though, it might be different where you are.

So, the diary isn't an appropriate means of communication for things like SEN needs. That needs a face to face meeting, emails, phone calls and so on.

Seeing as you have a face to face meeting, I'd concentrate on the specific adjustments you have been told will help your DS with his dyslexia. That's what needs to be implemented in the classroom.

After you've addressed those issues, I would raise the fact that your DS is unhappy at school and feels that he doesn't have a good relationship with her. You will need to be specific, just saying that your DS feels the teacher hates him isn't going to work. How does that manifest? Is she unfair to him, harsher to him than other students, does she blame him for things without evidence etc etc? If your DS can't be specific then I wouldn't bring it up.

I don’t think she was unreasonable about the ears. You sound precious about it. He shouldn’t be wearing the hood up and it sounds like she made a throwaway comment. If you go in complaining about that you’ll look insane.

Don’t go in saying she hates him, that’s emotive rubbish.

Be very factual. ‘Just to let you know he’s sensitive about his ears.’ ‘We feel he needs more support with the dyslexia due to X, Y, Z.’

RoseslnTheHospital

Agree that the communications book is not helping - I emailed yesterday and was told I shouldn't have done that, I should only write in the book. But she doesn't check the book!

But yes, I am not sure how much to bring up about her treatment as it's his word. She shouts at him and singles him out, for example if he gives the wrong answer she will say NO NO NO! But then the next kid will just get a gentle no, (according to him, but he's not a liar.)

Another odd thing was they made pancakes, but she said that he didn't want to/refused to (really out of character, he loves cooking). When I asked him, though, he said the mix ran out.

I think I am going to ask for more support from the SEN teacher. So at the meeting, if she's not there, I will ask for another meeting to discuss the plan. I have a friend at the school whose son has SEN who has fought tooth and nail for her kid to get support, and done fantastically well for him. So it can be done.

Re Private diagnosis - it's all there is here, really. No NHS. Interesting though that they can be 'bought' - who on earth would want to buy one?! My feeling is that he has dyslexia, it's in both our families, and he can read but it's so hard for him.

Kids are not allowed to sit with hoodies on in class. The crap about him feeling the cold is just that - a rubbish excuse.

Sounds like he also gets into trouble in class. Her job is to manage the class so she may need to tell him off. He is hardly likely to tell you if he was doing anything wrong.

Encouraging children to read more books is good regardless of dyslexia. He still needs to read. What specific support has he not received?

If you are concerned about support for his dyslexia, speak to the SENCO.

The issue with the hoody does rather paint your ds as a pita and you as the indulgent pita parent who inadvertently encourages it.

It makes me doubt the other things your son says, such as with the pancakes and the shouting.

It may be that the truth is somewhere in the middle. The pancake mixture ran low and your son refused to make one that might have been smaller than his peers for example.

Assuming he is telling the truth about the lack of dyslexia support - just ask what strategies are in place to support him. 30% of our school year are dyslexic so we have dozens of strategies in place for everyone - the dyslexic children wouldn't necessarily know. And it could be that he would also benefit from reading with you more, that doesn't necessarily mean that the teacher is dismissive of his diagnosis.

This does not sound like bullying. You sound like you are a difficult parent believing every word of an emotional child. None of these examples sound particularly bad.

Re the dyslexia, in his diagnosis were there suggestions and guidance on what the teacher should do to support him? What recommendations were given? Is she not following these?

@Ibouncetothebeat I find it odd that you completely dismiss everything I've said, tell me I'm a difficult parent and nothing I've described sounds bad - shouting at a child, touching his ears - and you then ask for more information from me in a series of rather hectic questions

Why on earth would I give you more information? I don't know you. You're bad mannered. Bounce off!