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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make contact with child's father

17 replies

MummyL0 · 25/04/2023 13:32

Baby is now 6 months old, her dad hasn't seen her since New Year. Stopped paying child maintenance, refused to sign her passport form and hasn't even asked for any updates. He did say he wanted to be involved before contact completely broke down. Things are getting quite hard for me, she is a clingy baby and I can't get much done/have any time to myself and it's really getting me down, I can't even get a shower unless she is napping and by the time I'm out she's awake so can't even dry my hair, just silly things like this are really effecting me so I'd appreciate the help/him taking her out for a few hours.

I had an issue with him smoking cannabis, him and his mother smoking in the house, and the baby coming home to me smelling like smoke/quite snuffly.

He's not the easiest to reason with, he's very hot headed. But over the last few weeks I feel so guilty; I feel as though I am depriving my daughter of a relationship with her dad and his family but I don't want her to be subjected to those living conditions. He was told by my solicitor that if he produces a clean drugs test then he could have unsupervised contact, as I had suggested a contact centre due to the smoking and he didn't take us up on the offer. Mutual parties have told me that they are aware he's still smoking weed.

My family&friends have told me not to reach out and if he wanted to he would. He put me through so much during the pregnancy and those early few weeks. I just don't know what to do!!

Should I reach out?

OP posts:
growgrowinggrown · 25/04/2023 13:37

my understanding is he has cut contact and stopped being in touch, rather than you blocking him? Is that right?

I'm not really sure you can force him to have/want a relationship. I would definitely pursue the maintenance side of things though.

chezpopbang · 25/04/2023 13:39

Is there no one else who can take the baby for a few hours? No way would I be leaving my baby who smoke around it

Can2022getanyworse · 25/04/2023 13:40

Just apply to CMS.

shropshire11 · 25/04/2023 13:41

It sounds like you already have a number of firm indications that he isn’t interested. You should probably plan to do this alone and hope that maybe he sorts himself out in the medium term.

itsmylife7 · 25/04/2023 13:41

No don't bother.
Have you no friends or family that can help for a few hours.

TeenagersAngst · 25/04/2023 13:41

It sounds like he won't commit to the contact centre because he doesn't want to have to make any accommodations that don't suit him. Pursue for maintenance but accept that he's not cut out for parenting and the sacrifices it entails.

Nachobowls · 25/04/2023 13:44

No, also he doesn’t need to sign passport, I’m guessing he is on the bc? If he is then you don’t need his permission for a passport but you will need it to travel abroad or a court order.

MummyL0 · 25/04/2023 13:47

I did recently persue maintenance and I'm now going to receive £7 a week lol... He gets benefits and also has a full time job, but I can't prove it.

My family and friends all work during Mon-Fri 9-5 so I'm quite alone.

It's just hard because he really switched up, he was going to his solicitor and trying to get contact but as soon as he was asked to stop taking drugs I never heard from him again. It's sad for our daughter really because he has two other children who he sees often and provides for them.

OP posts:
TempName247 · 25/04/2023 13:47

No way, I wouldn’t want the DC anywhere near him

MummyL0 · 25/04/2023 13:48

Nachobowls · 25/04/2023 13:44

No, also he doesn’t need to sign passport, I’m guessing he is on the bc? If he is then you don’t need his permission for a passport but you will need it to travel abroad or a court order.

He's on the birth certificate but it's an Irish passport I applied for so need both parents signatures ffs. Have a court date next month to get permission to grant a passport without his signature.

OP posts:
Divorcedalongtime · 25/04/2023 13:49

Don’t! But do apply for sole custody so you won’t need his permission for passport etc in the future.

insideoutsider · 25/04/2023 13:51

Why would you even want your baby near him? Use all the energy you'll save from not dealing with him to come up with ways to manage with your baby.
He is one less problem that you could have.

bumblebeees · 25/04/2023 13:51

F

Suzannargh · 25/04/2023 13:53

Even if your friends work 9-5 you can spend time with them - try to get some regular time in every week or fortnight so you have something to look forward to. Find a gym with a crèche?

megletthesecond · 25/04/2023 13:55

Do not get in touch with him. He will let you and his child down again and again.
It's hard doing it alone but you will muddle through and find your feet.

Redebs · 25/04/2023 13:59

Surely you wouldn't let him or his family have your baby anyway if they smoke?
Be glad he's not involved.

Nordicrain · 25/04/2023 14:01

I would leave it alone for now, he sounds like trouble and I think will end up making your life more difficutl rather than better.

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