To think some people find having babies and parenting easy

[TiddlyToes21]

I know everyone's experiences are so different but I do look at most of my friends and people I know and think, they seem to be finding it it a lot easier.

Admittedly our 4 yo ds does have adhd and that can be extremely difficult. Fingers crossed dc2 will be OK. She's only 21 months.

But that aside, I'm exhausted, stressed, sleep deprived. The days are so hectic and chaotic. I feel like I make parenting look hard. Does that just mean I'm not great at it or that some people have an easier time?

Oh and I have diagnosed anxiety and adhd. Probably doesn't help!

I think if there are no special needs it can be easier.

It definitely doesn't mean you're not a great parent. Everyone has a different capacity and ability to find parenting easier or harder, also depends on what the kid(s) are like, their personal circumstances like jobs/money etc. It's hard I know but try not to compare as you only see a small part of their lives, you don't know what's going on behind closed doors.

There may be things people do that make it harder or easier, but the main thing you’re highlighting is neurodiversity in the mix. That will make it more difficult. Go easy on yourself.

Adhd has nothing to do with it being hard to be a great parent. Being a great parent is hard. And a big fat challenge. No matter your kid is neurotypical or neurodiverse. My 3 yo nephew has driven its parents to divorce . He is neurotypical. But the embodiment of a pain in the arse.

And maybe your friends do have it way easier and more under control than you. But it could also all be show. You never know what goes on behind closed doors

I once read somewhere where it said: if you'd put all peoples struggles on a big pile, and you could choose which one od those struggles you could pick? Youd pick your own ones again.

Dont think your life is harder. Or that you arent a great parent . Just keep trying. And keep swimming. And make sure to keep talking to your partner/therapist to stay sane.

Good luck

I think the type of child you get is the biggest factor. My first was incredibly difficult (xh even cited it as one reason why he left), but second was an absolute breeze and I could've managed 5 of him at the same time!

Only when I had the second did I realise what the experience was like for most people. And especially that it wasn't due to me being bad at mumming!

So if you're experiencing it being very hard, it probably is because it IS very hard. Your days probably are genuinely more chaotic than many other parents' days.

It'll honestly get easier.

You have anxiety. One of your kids has SEN. There might be disagreement on the latter, but the former is definitely going to make parenting harder.

I think I find parenting easy, on average. I don't relate at all to those threads on here about, e.g. struggling with a baby and a toddler or not enjoying holidays with small kids. That doesn't mean I don't have times I find it really hard. And often it's during periods when something that is nothing to do with the DC is affecting me. Your anxiety is presumably affecting you all the time.

I think some people just have easier kids 🤷🏻‍♀️ I have 4 children 3 have additional needs (autism/ adhd) people say it gets easier once they are older but mine are honestly getting harder.

Yeah, people with only NT kids have no idea how hard it is with SEN.

If I only had my NTs I would be such a smug bitch. Luckily DS2's ASD has kept me grounded!

That said, even with SEN, I do think it just comes easier to some people. I find it baffling how many people think our lives must be horrendously chaotic and hard work with 3 DC, but it's fine. We're quite laid back though and that's a trait our DC share, which probably does make it easier.

I found the earliest years very intense. I love parenting at the moment (mid teen and 2 primary aged).

But I do think it comes down to the person as well and some cope better than others, I raise mine alone without their useless father and I have no family, then I see people will one NT child loads of family, hands on grandparents a supportive husband and saying how much they are struggling and can’t cope.

I think that there are 4 factors.

1. your personality and your traits
2. your child personality and their traits
3. your Co-parents ability/ attitude to parenting (and how it fits to yours)
4. your circumstances (financial, housing, help-nearby etc)

How i find parenting is based on the combination of the above factors, which are unique to me and each individual child. With a bit more help, 2 NT children, etc, parenting would be a completely different experience.

Mine are 10 and 12 now, and life is so easy now it almost feels like a bad dream looking back.

I feel deeply for mums who are struggling.

Don't know what to say. I didn't have any family help, but I wish I'd bought in more help. Dc1 wouldn't have coped well without me there (he clung to me for 2.5 years, he just needed that, and is completely normal now) but I wish I'd paid for a babysitter/similar just to be there in the house with me.

I was worried about the cost, but you need to weigh it up against the cost of your sanity.

Parenting is easier if you're a relaxed, chilled person. You're more likely to have easygoing children and you won't get tied up in knots worrying and stressing over things that really don't matter. Unfortunately, if you're not lucky enough to be a chilled person, there isn't a huge amount you can do about it!

Money (or extensive family support) also makes things easier. If you can afford good quality childcare, a cleaner, dog walker, gardener etc or if you can afford for one person to not work or only work part time that makes it massively easier.

My friend was struggling with her baby in a totally normal sleep deprived hormonal way and I was round trying to be supportive. Her mum was there and said “oh you’re Phlewf, we are always hearing how you just roll with the punches and get on with things, you’ve been such an inspiration”. Was bloody news to me! I had a disabled child, 300 hospital appointments a month and survived by saying “oh well never mind” for every poonami, dropped plate of food and refused nap then crying all night. But to my friend it looked like I had it all together. Being stressed and facing tough times isn’t a moral failing. Cut yourself a break.

I know a family of 10 and they make it look easy.

Some people have easier kids. Some have more support. Some are more relaxed. Some have lower standards. Some have a greater tolerance for chaos. There are so many factors that come into this, but yes I think some people find it easier than others.

People are good at different things and parents are definitely better or worse at different stages. Some of those who struggle through the baby toddler stage come into their own in the older/ tween/ teen stages.

It also depends on the kids. You can be super mum at the any stage with one of your kids and struggle with the other.

Toddlers and babies are hard though as you have to be "on" and alert so much. When you can leave them unattended with choking hazards, it frees up so much of your brain and is why I'd be reluctant to have another now.

I have 2 dc, 1 NT and the other ND. I'm ND myself. It was really hard when they were young, and I did struggle a lot. I was in an abusive marriage as well, and then I became ill. I also had anxiety and depression.

Things are much easier now dc are older and at school full time.

Life in general is just easier for some I think. Or it seems that way.

I had one child with no SN and I found the first year hard beyond measure. I couldn't wait to go back to work when he was 10 months old. It was the sleep deprivation that broke me as he didn't sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time.

He is now 15 and will do 14 hours straight through with no problem!! Plus he is 6ft 5 so the lack of sleep as a baby definitely didn't stunt his growth!

Try not to compare yourself to others. Sounds like you're doing a great job. [Flowers]

@booksandbrooks you're so right about being on alert with babies and toddlers. The problem we have is that our son is 4.5 and is still in the same category because of his adhd. For instance, I found him in the washing machine yesterday! Luckily his legs are too long to close the door. But he needs supervision constantly and he had no idea amount risk.

It’s different for everyone.

Heath, outside support, money, commute times, personality of the parent and child, sleep needed and sleep managed.

I was lucky I had a cleaner and also put my DS in to a nursery a morning a week when on maternity leave so I could do some non child centred stuff.