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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stupid pervy men!!!!

26 replies

Lidale · 25/04/2023 10:42

I'm just really angry and need to vent.

After being out of employment for ages and having my child, getting my first job since has been a big thing for me. I got my desired job of being an estate agent and was really happy. Whilst everything else in my life is for others my work is the one thing for me.

So it just annoys me that men think it's okay to make a woman feel uncomfortable in her own work place, effectively corner us since its a professional setting and we can't just walk away, and cross the line.

The other day I was nearing the end of my shift and I had a viewing with a man. He kept making comments like "do you come with or after the house" "can I take you out after this" "what are you doing after this". I told him no and it should of been left at that but he then proceeded to pester me and say he was looking in my car and saw dcs car seat. This was his cue to ask me personal questions about my child, about me, and about my dp. All to which I felt forced and obliged to answer though I begrudge justifying myself to this random man that I shouldn't need to answer to. I only did so as I was suddenly aware I was alone in a vacant house with this complete stranger (I'm tiny) and felt I didn't want to aggravate him incase he responded badly.

It's just all so infuriating. It was completely inappropriate on his end yet there is no repercussion for men with this type of behaviour, and I'm left to feel scarred and upset. I did report it to my work but I work with mainly men and felt it was taken more as a story rather than something serious that was worth worrying about. The worst thing about this all is I feel like this won't be the last time I encounter this at work, if anything I feel like it's only the start. Which is such a shame as I love my job but I'm also fearful of my safety going on.

OP posts:
Giggorata · 25/04/2023 10:46

Are you aware of the Suzy Lamplugh trust? A woman who disappeared after arranging to meet a client to show a house.
The Trust has all sorts of personal safety and lone working information - and if your colleagues and management at work aren't aware of the issues and of Suzy Lamplugh, they should be.

Giggorata · 25/04/2023 10:48

Sorry, pressed too soon…
I meant to say, that they should be jolly well signing up to some kinds of safety protocols with all female employees.

Catspyjamas17 · 25/04/2023 10:48

I thought of Suzy Lamplugh straight away there. Please tell your employer about this client, you are entitled to feel safe at work.

Doggymummar · 25/04/2023 10:50

I wouldn't be showing empty houses to lone men, do you not have rules around this? Horrific you should have gone through this.

TheNecessaryWoman · 25/04/2023 10:50

I don't blame you for being furious OP, but you shouldn't have engaged in answering personal questions. Just smile and say "let's just focus on why we're here" and change the subject.

What safeguarding measures are in place for employees undertaking viewings OP? I thought that since the Suzie Lamplugh case things had changed? (I used to be an EA before Suzie Lamplugh's abduction and occasionally felt uneasy during viewings).

RoseslnTheHospital · 25/04/2023 10:50

Your workplace should be aware of lone working and have a policy in place for your safety. The Suzy Lamplugh trust is an excellent shout, and you should point out to your management that they need to review their practices.

Original poster
Lidale · 25/04/2023 10:55

@TheNecessaryWoman I agree with you and hate that my default response to something like this is to laugh nervously or play along. I just get scared that if I say no or try to oppose their wishes they will push back. I guess my instinct says its a smaller price to pay for my safety

OP posts:
Original poster
Lidale · 25/04/2023 10:56

@RoseslnTheHospital we have a safe word that we can call and someone will come. But my take on that is by the time someone comes it may be abit too little too late, and also you may be in a situation where you can't use your phone

OP posts:
Original poster
Lidale · 25/04/2023 10:59

I think hadthe guy respected my no and left it that at most I would of felt uncomfortable but gotten over it. But because he didn't I felt I lost control over the situation and became very hyper aware that I was alone with a man I don't know, I don't know how he will react, what he is capable of, what he is like and it's the unpredictability that scared me.

To those mentioning the missing case my dmum actually warned me of this and didn't want me to take the job for this very reason. I love my job and really don't want this to come between me staying but when I told my work about the case it was met with the response of "oh that was ages ago and besides we work in an area where there is little crime ect"

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 25/04/2023 11:00

Did anyone talk to you about what to do if a viewing client starts to behave in the way you describe - making inappropriate comments and/or overly personal comments? Is there an agreed policy on what to say/do at that point? Just thinking about other service industry type situations where its made clear to clients that poor behaviour won't be tolerated.

Ultimately, I suppose you need to know that you will be supported if you have to be firm with a viewing client, and that you can tell him that the viewing will be terminated (and he will be blacklisted from the agency!) if he continues to make comments that are unwelcome.

Original poster
Lidale · 25/04/2023 11:05

@RoseslnTheHospital no I have had none of that. I'm pretty much the only female on my team...maybe that's why?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lidale · 25/04/2023 11:09

Thanks for the advice everyone I've signed up for their training course. I'm actually strongly considering taking up martial arts too. I don't know why self defense isn't mandatory for girls at school instead of the stupid bleep test.

OP posts:
Beanfield2023 · 25/04/2023 11:11

RoseslnTheHospital · 25/04/2023 11:00

Did anyone talk to you about what to do if a viewing client starts to behave in the way you describe - making inappropriate comments and/or overly personal comments? Is there an agreed policy on what to say/do at that point? Just thinking about other service industry type situations where its made clear to clients that poor behaviour won't be tolerated.

Ultimately, I suppose you need to know that you will be supported if you have to be firm with a viewing client, and that you can tell him that the viewing will be terminated (and he will be blacklisted from the agency!) if he continues to make comments that are unwelcome.

Maybe cut them off next time and make a phone call to the office . Maybe use a code word during the conversation that alerts your colleagues that you are uncomfortable and it's a signal for someone else to join you .

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 11:12

Mention him to your employer and request that, if they are still happy to let him view properties, that you are never sent to another viewing with him.

Personally, I think they should refuse to let him view any future properties with your agency.

Original poster
Lidale · 25/04/2023 11:27

Unfortunately just seen the courses are about 1,000 pounds so won't be able to afford that.

I understand its a charity but it shouldn't cost that much to provide safety techniques. Guess I will just be hoping for the best going forward with my work

OP posts:
GoodChat · 25/04/2023 11:30

Lidale · 25/04/2023 11:27

Unfortunately just seen the courses are about 1,000 pounds so won't be able to afford that.

I understand its a charity but it shouldn't cost that much to provide safety techniques. Guess I will just be hoping for the best going forward with my work

Speak to your employer and ask if they'll fund it

RoseslnTheHospital · 25/04/2023 11:34

Yes, your employer should be organising this, it's not something that should be left to individuals to research and pay for out of their own pocket.

TheOrigRights · 25/04/2023 11:56

but he then proceeded to pester me and say he was looking in my car and saw dcs car seat. This was his cue to ask me personal questions about my child, about me, and about my dp. All to which I felt forced and obliged to answer

Can you look into why you felt forced and obliged to answer?
There's a very clear line between professional and personal life.

Catspyjamas17 · 25/04/2023 12:03

Martial arts are great, but I actually don't agree with self-defence classes for women only as it seems to shift the issue over to them, rather than acknowledging that it's the attack that is the problem, and also that running away, freezing or curling into a ball is a perfectly understandable response that will often mean you survive or reduce injury. Plus men are far more likely to get into a fight at some point in their lives, particular as young men.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 25/04/2023 12:04

Just say did you know my husband is a 6’6 wrestler ?
I never give anyone my real information . You need to inform work about it and keep a personal alarm on you. In this day and age we shouldn’t have to feel like this but It’s hard when the world is full of twats …

Giggorata · 25/04/2023 12:06

“when I told my work about the case it was met with the response of "oh that was ages ago and besides we work in an area where there is little crime ect"

This is an inadequate and unacceptable response from your work.
They are obligated by law to ensure that your working environment is safe.
Are you in/is there a union?
Is there some kind of professional body which imposes standards?

I understand about the conditioned responses that you are annoyed with yourself about but the bigger issue is, what are your work going to do about your safety?

ilovesooty · 25/04/2023 12:09

Your work should be looking at their risk assessment and lone working policy and taking this a lot more seriously.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 25/04/2023 12:09

Stephanie slater was kidnapped and held captive by a killer posing as a house buyer a decade after Suzie disappeared.

UK estate agents have a code of conduct and you should not be showing lone male clients around properties.

My friend does similar and if a client turns up without a female she he not allowed to enter the property alone with him. She stays outside while he looks around.

You need to raise this with your management

sunshinesupermum · 25/04/2023 12:13

when I told my work about the case it was met with the response of "oh that was ages ago and besides we work in an area where there is little crime ect"

That is appalling. I'd move to another agency and when interviewing ask what their safety practices are.

Lakeyloo · 25/04/2023 12:22

OP That's awful. What an absolute knob head. I did 10 years in agency in the 90's and luckily only had one uncomfortable incident when a man shut the door and turned the lights out while we were standing in an internal bathroom "to see how dark it would be". Total sense of humour failure ! There was another incident when I walked into a bedroom and there was the biggest wall mounted TV you have ever seen, showing full on hardcore porn but he was more mortified than I was as he had genuinely forgotten it was on (he had a massive satellite dish in the front garden and recorded it from some dodgy European channel onto VHS tapes to sell to his mates... Ewwww). Sent flowers to apologise.
Please don't be put off by one dick head. Its a great job if you are a people person and are nosey (like me)
Do keep your safety as the number one priority though.
Hopefully your company have the following in place, but just in case:

  1. Never go on a spur of the moment viewing - take their name, address and number and call them back to confirm and check the number is correct.
  2. Always make sure everyone knows where you are, without fail - name and number of the viewer and address of the house in the office diary.
  3. Check into the office after each viewing if doing back to back to let the office know you are finished and are moving on to the next one if you are showing a single man around that you don't know.
  4. Trust your instinct. If you feel uncomfortable, get someone else to go. Shouldn't have to but I did this a few times. My team wouldn't have expected me to go and meet someone in an empty house if I didn't feel comfortable.
  5. Keep yourself between the door and the viewer - show them in first, follow them up the stairs, let them go into rooms ahead of you.
  6. We were issued rape alarms - never been sure if anyone would of taken notice but the thought was there !
I really believe that 99% of people are good. Shame that we as women have to be prepared for that 1%
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