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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DD in the car as a punishment for her behaviour?

25 replies

Quattrocento · 16/02/2008 12:24

DD is 9. A very stroppy, naughty, wilful, clever funny girl she is.

This morning was "pick on younger brother morning". First it was the way he eats his sausages (first warning). Then the way he eats his bacon (second warning). Then the fact he had some fruit - he was being a mummy's boy apparently (third warning). Then his teeth - he only has one front tooth (fourth warning). Then she promised to be nice to him for the rest of the trip around Sainsburys. Less than a minute later it was his hair.

I took her outside and left her in the car. She is a lawyer in the making, btw and as she was being taken out of the store, she said "Mummy, you do know that what you're proposing (proposing?!) to do is illegal?"

I explained to her it was for her own safety. "What are you talking about?" she said. "The fact that I may well strangle you if you carry on behaving like this."
"What if I get kidnapped?" "It'd be a brave kidnapper".

So I left her on her own in the car in the car park for 30 minutes. AIBU?

OP posts:

Bellavita · 16/02/2008 12:27

I would have done exactly the same. Good for you. I would carry on doing it every time - she might (hopefully) just get the message then.

SlightlyMadSecretSoundWinner · 16/02/2008 12:28

It is not actually illegal for her info - you might want to point that out to her .

I was looking at this the other night WRT toddlers and there is no law on leaving anyone alone in teh car. There are laws on leaving children alone which relate to "as long they are not in a position to harm themselves" or something....

I sympathesise...I am sick of the bickering between my 2 this week.

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 12:30

She sounds perfectly able to look after herself!!
Sometimes splitting kids up is the only answer - they need that break from eachother to defuse the situation.

theobromine · 16/02/2008 12:31

at 9 i would have legged it knowing you would be worried sick and looking for me all day. yanbu but i wouldnt do it for that reason!

DarthVader · 16/02/2008 12:48

I would not leave a 9 year old alone in the car park for 30 minutes unless I could watch her - I don't think this is a very safe thing to do, and 30 minutes is a long time.

DarthVader · 16/02/2008 12:49

Why do you think she picks on her younger brother? What is this behaviour really about?

hercules1 · 16/02/2008 12:49

Seems okay to me. Perhaps 15 minutes would have been enough as a punishment but 30 minutes because you were shopping is fine to leave a 9 year old.

MaureenMLove · 16/02/2008 12:52

Obviously she was fine on this occasion, but given that she was being a PITA, I'm not sure I would have left a 9 year old in the car for 30mins. I know she probably didn't have the car keys, but there's an awful lot of buttons and knobs to play with, when you're bored and feeling naughty. She could have pulled the handbrake off for a start!

ConnorTraceptive · 16/02/2008 12:55

Not unreasonable at all - Personally I would have bought your ds a big cream cake from the bakery and said "Ha laugh at the way he eats that" whilst he scoffed it in front of her. But then I'm mean.

edam · 16/02/2008 12:58

lol at 'for her own safety' so she doesn't get strangled.

Sounds fine to me as long as you are sure she wouldn't leave the car or mess with the controls.

cornsilk · 16/02/2008 13:05

Darth Vader - isn't it normal to 'pick on ' your younger brother or sister?
I wouldn't have left my 9 year old ds in a car as I know he'd have played with every control and would probably have popped the engine and been taking it apart when I got back.TBH I don't think cars are a safe place to leave children unattended- they can catch fire even when the engine is off - rare but does happen.

Original poster

Quattrocento · 16/02/2008 13:17

Thank you all

Yes you are right about the safety aspect, but in mitigation, she does know all about handbrakes and controls, and the car was parked on a level so wouldn't have rolled even if she had taken the handbrake off.

She is 9 going on 18 by the way. Mostly insolent but with touchingly sweet moments.

She and DS are playing now. He adores her by the way.

Am interested in Darth's point because I really don't know what this behaviour is about. She defends him fiercely if he gets told off btw.

OP posts:

DarthVader · 16/02/2008 13:19

cornsilk - when you say "isn't it normal to 'pick on ' your younger brother or sister?" I don't think this is about whether this is normal or not!

I think if you understand where the behaviour comes from then you will know how to deal with it best. Eg is this an expression of frustration / anger / aggression - and if so about what, or is it simply boredom...what is the behaviour really about? Along the lines of treat the cause not the symptoms!

3andnomore · 16/02/2008 13:27

completely understand you, and obviously you know your daughter, therefore knew she wouldn't take the handbrake off, or distroy the car or leg it, just to annoy you...I am sure, if you had a child where you would expect that behaviour you wouldn't have done it...therefore YANBU.
But yeah, why is she picking on her younger brother so much? Sounds like attentioseeking, iykwim...! Some teasing and all that is of course completely normal...so, she might just woke up in a wicked mood...but if this is persistent behaviour then I would try to find the cause of it...iykwim

mears · 16/02/2008 13:31

She is actually right about the legality - had she harmed herself. A friend of mine left her 2 boys in the car while she popped into the supermarket (they were 9 and 12) and a policeman was waiting for her when she came out to tell her off and give her a warning! It was not viewed as responsible behaviour.

It doesn't seem much of a punishment for her I have to say. I would have threatened removal of toy or priveledge that she enjoys and followed that through when I got home

DarthVader · 16/02/2008 13:43

Quattrocento, after the event, when all is peaceful, do you ask her how she felt when she was mean to her bro? She is old enough to answer that question, and also what she wanted/expected to happen when she said those things. If you ask in a very neutral, fact finding way without loading the conversation with your own feelings about it all, sometimes you can get more of an idea about where it really comes from.

Original poster

Quattrocento · 16/02/2008 13:46

Oh I took her DS and her IPOD away as well - those have been confiscated too - sorry should have mentioned that before

I'll try the reasoned discussion thing - requires finding the right moment I think.

OP posts:

cory · 16/02/2008 19:44

DarthVader on Sat 16-Feb-08 12:49:22
"Why do you think she picks on her younger brother? What is this behaviour really about?"

IME virtually all girls at that age pick on their younger siblings. It's like asking 'what you do you think your toddler's tantrums are about?'. Answer: they're about being a toddler.

My dd is not as bad as some I've heard, but quite bad enough. And I was a little horror at that age, though meaner towards my older brother than my younger ones (the little ones being less of a walkover).

hana · 16/02/2008 19:48

please don't leave her in the car

halifax.metronews.ca/index.cfm?sid=106632&sc=89

scanner · 16/02/2008 19:50

My 8 year old dd is in a similar phase with her sister, I think its because her friends at school are begining to talk about what is and isn't cool. It's all a bit frightening for them as they don't want to be left out or one of the uncool ones. So they pick on their younger siblings to make themselves feel better and so that at least at home they are cool.

I hate it btw.

DarthVader · 16/02/2008 21:41

cory, I think completely differently to you on that! I think that toddler's tantrums are mostly about frustration and that there is a lot you can do to reduce tantrums potentially, eg teaching baby signing to help him/her to communicate with you. Just accepting that poor behaviour is common is missing a trick in my view.

You describe yourself as "a little horror at that age"...as if you would have been like this no matter what your parents had said or done. That's not how I see being a parent.

DarthVader · 16/02/2008 21:45

I heartily recommend this book for a different take to the Supernanny school: Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-Child Relationships from Reaction and Struggle to Freedom, Power and Joy

bubblepop · 16/02/2008 22:38

well, tbh i would'nt have done that myself but can understand why you did it. kids eh?

mummoomin · 17/02/2008 00:03

Same here, I can totally understand why you did it, but wouldnt do it myself - for the abduction and safety aspects. What if someone had stolen the car with her in it..

But then Im paranoid about my kids safety....

lisalisa · 17/02/2008 00:09

Message withdrawn

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