To have failed at life?

[HR313]

Have a degree within nursing field - ended up leaving profession as a newly qualified after 9 months- I had an 18 month old daughter at the time and very limited support family wise and in the end it broke me.

Fast forward to now I’ve been in a job I really enjoyed to begin with just before the first lockdown. My second child is now a similar age and completely different to my first - Im finding parenting second time round exhausting and completely demoralising. I know this age is difficult and it will ‘pass’.

I’m finding I’m really beginning to resent my job, sadly my children and life in general. I’m not married, have no security other than my current job. My partner owns the house and pays the mortgage and bills, I pay for the food shopping, and everything the children need.

I then look at friends and I know I shouldn’t compare but all are married, in decent jobs and all have 4 bed detached houses. I know I could be worse off, but I really do feel a failure and that I haven’t done more with my life with the exception of having my two children of course. I wish I owned my own property but this will never happen for me now. I don’t really wish I was married though - my own parents divorced when I was young.

Don’t think the post really fits in this thread but have no one to speak about how I feel irl.

Is there another career path you fancy? Could you return to nursing?

How old are your DC? It’s tough when they’re little. Is your DP the father of your youngest DC? Does he pull his weight? Are your finances fairly shared?

I don’t view you as having failed. You have:

children
a job
a partner
a roof over your head

What would make things better for you? Which of those can you control/change?

I don’t think I could go back to working with the NHS, it completely destroyed me mentally. I do some miss aspects of it though..

i feel somewhat thankful that the job I have now fits in well around the children - they are 6yrs and 1.5yrs old and both partner’s children. OH is good with them but often prefers to have the older one as she’s much more placid and laid back than our youngest who is a whirlwind.

I’m hoping I can find a job with a bit more money once my youngest is in full time school, just have to wait another 3 years. Not quite sure what I would do, so probably stuck in similar roles as I don’t think I could cope doing any further studying. When I was doing my degree (childless at the time) it didn’t really occur to me how hard it must of been for those with such young children, my hats go off to them for that.

You haven't failed at life, you're probably just a bit worn out looking after two small children. It's a cliche but things will improve once they're at school. Could you take further courses to diversify the qualification you already have? For example nurse to health visitor.

Also, I hesitate to say this, but you are a bit vulnerable not being on a tenancy/deeds and unmarried. If you can, try and stash away some savings (enough for a rental deposit/basic furniture set up just in case). I'm sure it won't be needed but good to know it's there.

Life isn’t one smooth trajectory - there are starts and stops and backtracks for us all. There are also infinite opportunities for new beginnings.

What exactly do you want from your life that you don’t have ? I don’t mean material specifics, but higher level what would make you feel more positive about life - financial stability ? A sense of purpose? Emotional support?

if your number one priority is housing security, for example, you can absolutely achieve home ownership if you focus on that exclusively. instead of ruminating on all the things (overwhelming), think about the one thing and make a plan.

I don’t think you have failed in the least!
Whether or not you own a house does not define your life success.
I think you need to find a new measuring stick. 525600 minutes, OP!

Why don't you own the property together if hes the father of your children? That seems really unfair, he's leaving you in a very precarious position.

It sounds like you have worked hard and achieved a lot and the real problem is an imbalance in your relationship.

You don't have the security of home ownership or marriage and they could easily be sorted if he wanted to.

@HR313 with me, I made a big pickle and could of been married, kids the whole package, but unless I have a time machine then instead its was what it was really.

Keep doing the best you can and look after your family.

I do understand but you have your health and your childrens health. Money can be made and lost health can’t. Enjoy the little things. Success is driven down our throats by media…houses, holidays, cars etc but it doesn’t make us happy. People and moments make us happy. Get out there meet some new people and get stuck in. You have not failed. You have won. You are healthy and stable with 2 wonderful children. E eye thing else is just noise.

You deffo haven’t failed!!!
you sound fed up to me. Can I ask delicately about your partner - you don’t seem to feel any security there and mention those around you being married. Do you want to get married- you have 2 kids together if I’ve understood correctly. Marriage would be a sort of security too for your family unit to become legally binding. I think there’s more to your feelings than just the context of the things in your post… you definitely have not failed. You’ve got two kids. À partner. A stable job and work history. A long long way from a failure!! Xx

Agree with this also. X

You don't sound a failure at all!

I could go through my own disastrous life to cheer you up 😁

Read the desiderata to get a better perspective :)

When your children are young it's easy to feel like you're just about getting by most days. You're juggling childcare, work, relationship...that's a lot! You are being much too hard on yourself; nothing you've posted here makes you sound like a failure; quite the opposite actually.

Do you feel that you're on an equal footing with your partner? If not, is there anything you can do to change that? That might be an area to explore if you're feeling that financial security is an issue.

Are you feeling any better OP? Sounds to me you are just exhausted. Its a hard phase of life so try not to over analyse. Most people are struggling along too, very few feel successful. Or maybe in 1 aspect but not another. Try to get some time alone and a bit of TLC xx

You really haven't failed. Rasing children is exhausting, especially when your doing it alone.
I hit burnout after 8 years of nursing. I took four years out to raise the children, my eldest is autistic and prior to diagnosis he was incredibly hard work.
I did my return to nursing course last year and it was honestly the best thing I could have done. I'm working 2 days a week, earning fairly decent money and I have 5 days off with the kids each week. There are lots of nursing jobs out there that are less stressful than the run of the mill busy wards.

Thirded. Why aren’t you on the deeds of your house? If you want to be married to the father of your children, why aren’t you? These seem at the root of your sense of ‘failure’, but seem easily remedied. Unless of course the answer is that you’ve asked repeatedly and your partner won’t, in which case you’ve got a relationship problem…

You haven't failed at all, for reasons PPs have pointed out. It's hard when DC are little, but it gets a lot better and you will get your energy back. However I second the concerns about being unmarried/not co-owning the home etc. Understand about the divorce aspect but at least if you married and divorced you wouldn't be left high and dry in terms of £, property, pension. As it stands, you're completely financially dependent on him and would be screwed if you split up, like so many women on here. Purely on a practical, non-romantic level it makes sense to marry the father of your children so I'd sort that in the most unemotive way (doesn't have to be about big weddings and all that jazz) sooner rather than later.

You don't wish to marry because your parents divorced but chances are your mother had a much fairer separation as a married woman than she would have had had your parents just lived together ( in your father's house ).
Don't you see how marriage protects you and your children ?
Sorry if I'm nitpicking on one aspect of your OP but it really stood out to me .
As you're not married and for some strange reason have no stake in your home you really need to build your career.it seems a shame to waste that degree.

You are never a failure. You have survived 100% of your worst days.

Please don't compare yourself to others. Most of the time, they have problems with their life and don't talk about it, because they are comparing themselves to everyone else and don't want to feel lesser or left out (or just plain don't want people to know they have issues)

I thoroughly recommend talking with this to a GP, feeling like this can be early onset depression - they may not prescribe medication, sometimes they refer to others that can help you with coping mechanisms or a change in lifestyle to make it more acceptable and are much better qualified than advice on mumsnet - some replies in this thread alone are just downright toxic!

Why are you carrying the responsibility for the children, with all the negative impact on your career and finances, while their father apparently carries none of it and stashes up assets in his own name at your expense? What kind of man behaves like that towards his partner and mother of his children? If that is the set up he wants, then marriage is what protects you from the situation you now find yourself in. He's a user, and sadly your only failure here is putting up with it.

You’re not a failure at all, you’re taking care of two children and you have a nursing qualification. I think you are knackered though, and that will get better as your kids grow older. It does sound like you need to address your security around the house, though. Maybe once that stress is lifted, you’ll feel more positive?

You haven’t failed. It sounds like you have drifted into your situation and are now aware of detrimental impact on you.
CAB has a decent guide marriage v cohabitation.
You don’t mention your relationship. If you are happy and see yourself together long term then you need a serious conversation with him.
I saw it summed up on here once women pay for donkey dork (food/kids clothes etc) men pay for assets.
If you split he has house, pension from ft work and you have your job (earning less/less pension as fits children) and that’s it.

Maybe see if you can access some counselling - some workplaces offer it.