AIBU to think I can change my type of guy?

[FeelingSad99]

I’m usually attracted to slightly avoidant, quirky, distant, cerebral men. The unfortunate byproduct of this type of man is that he’s not particularly devoted to me or all that interested in me.

I definitely have a personality type that I go for! Is it possible to change my type with some concerted effort?

I had a think about some of my lovely male colleagues at work and I was able to come up with a list of 5 men (all taken!) who have better qualities than my usual type, namely…

• These men from work are warm, secure, high EQ, empathetic, authentic, could be vulnerable, decent, loyal, trustworthy kind, active listeners, full of humility, intelligent, sane, easy going, GSOH.

• They’re not quirky, not ?ASD (I am attracted to these men), not full of nervous energy, not neurotic, not distant, not selfish, not anxious, not cruel, not insensitive, not a dick, not arrogant, not aloof, not got severe mental health problems, not scared of commitment.

YABU - you can’t change your type
YANBU - of course you can change your type.

How can I get my head around fancying men who are like my nice, stable colleagues?

You can't change who you are attracted to. God knows I wish you could....

What you CAN do is change yourself. You can work on your self esteem so you become a person who has no time for disinterested men who do not treat you in the way you deserve. You already know what these men are like don't you so become a person who does not hanker after them. Ask yourself why you like them in the first place. I'm no therapist but there might be some deep seated reason for this. Learn the qualities that healthy relationships (and healthy men!) have and remind yourself that you deserve nothing less.

Thanks. I like avoidant, quirky men because they never try to control you. They lean back, creating space for me to be attracted to them and for me to lean forwards.

My mother was over enmeshed and could be controlling. She could also be angry and scary. I hate angry, aggressive men and I shy away from confrontation. I think these are the reasons why I prefer avoidant men.

But it has become an innate, visceral thing. I feel safe with avoidant men and I feel scared with non-avoidant men.

If one of your lovely male colleagues became single for no fault of his own, would you want to go out with him?

I was thinking about this. Ask me 6 months ago and I would say no, I don’t fancy them. Now I would like to give that kind of guy a chance. I think I would be anxious at first but, if he was into me and was gentle and patient then it would be great.

However… these nice men and I have the same personality. I don’t think nice men are particularly drawn to me. I’m very warm and full of empathy and I tend to attract colder men who like me for my warmth. It’s like the avoidant men make a beeline for me because I give them what’s missing from themselves.

I can really relate to your dilemma, I was just asking myself why keen, confident men make me feel very uncomfortable after recently meeting a man like that. I'm attracted to highly anxious, self involved, distant men who are socially awkward and not able to provide emotional support.... I also had an angry, aggressive and controlling mother.

I think The reply from RobertaFirmino is excellent advice "You can work on your self esteem so you become a person who has no time for disinterested men who do not treat you in the way you deserve."

For me I need to be quite analytical about the person's behaviour so I don't get romanticize them and get pulled into the "attraction" I also have a list of non-negotiable qualities (on advice from therapist) that I refer to when tempted. I try to ask myself what kind of deal they're offering me (a bad one) rather than what do they need from me to feel better, which is my default mode.

The two things I like about this type of man are the space you get (which you described) as I feel more in control and less invaded by them when they're not emotionally available and also that they're not charmers so I feel that on some level they are less manipulative and more honest / genuine. I have a fear of charming / unfaithful men.

Not jumping into relationships quickly is definitely a good first step. I think maybe it's possible to say that you're looking for friendships rather than a relationship to slow things down so you get the space you need before taking the next steps.

To be honest I’ve never really sought out people based on personality traits. Like everyone has a list of nice to haves, but I wouldn’t specifically look for men that are avoidant or distant or whatever it is. I just see if I click with someone and take it from there