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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To restrict access to baby’s dad

12 replies

Openshutthem · 24/04/2023 20:00

I’ll try and keep this short as possible…
was casually seeing someone much younger than me. No plans to make it official. Then the 2 pink lines appeared. He didn’t want me to keep the baby. He still lives at home with his mum who pretty much does everything for him(he disagrees with this, but she really does!) so I told him was going ahead with the pregnancy and he was under no obligation to stick around. He eventually came around to the idea, told me he loved me and wanted to make a go of things. Right ok. We did and it was all good for a while. Until baby came along and he came to stay at mine while he was off for paternity leave.
well it was a disaster. I was struggling with establishing breastfeeding and he did nothing except order takeaways and smoke weed. It was like he was on holiday! I eventually gave him his marching orders.
we continued the ‘relationship’ until recently when it was just pointless. He never wants to do anything at weekends because he just smokes so can’t drive anywhere. I was bored rigid and realising there was no future for us.
i e just applied to the CMS which he isn’t happy about but needs must.
he’s great with the baby, adores him. But is very much the Disney dad and only gets involved in the fun stuff. Eg baby was unwell a while ago so didn’t see him for 2 weeks so he and his mum didn’t get ill 🧐
my question is, would ibu to restrict access to a contact centre? The weed smoking really worries me. I’d never want him to have him overnight because he sleeps SO heavily. So far he’s only seen him with me apart from a couple of times for an hour or so. Do I have a right to stop him?

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 24/04/2023 20:04

I definitely don't blame you for being careful. Couple of things:

  1. is he on birth certificate?
  2. you'll be asked why you've let him have contact until now then suddenly decided its a problem when nothing has changed

I'm not saying he's safe, he isn't. You'll just be asked why its suddenly a problem.

Original poster
Openshutthem · 24/04/2023 20:06

Yes he is on BC(huge regret!)
And his mum has always been around when he’s had him

OP posts:
Original poster
Openshutthem · 24/04/2023 20:07

Plus, we were in a relationship, so I’d always be there too

OP posts:
usererror99 · 24/04/2023 20:08

TBH from what I'm led to believe if he takes you to Court to request 50/50 then that's what he'll get as the fathers "right" to equal parenting is considered paramount - even if he is an arsehole and subjected you to abuse. So please don't be naive about that. I doubt you can force a contact centre on him either.

Original poster
Openshutthem · 24/04/2023 20:11

There’s no way he could do 50/50 with work etc

OP posts:
Curlysusie · 24/04/2023 20:12

Is it your baby's grandma who has done the other thread?

Original poster
Openshutthem · 24/04/2023 20:12

Curlysusie · 24/04/2023 20:12

Is it your baby's grandma who has done the other thread?

No! But I saw that when I came on to write this!

OP posts:
Curlysusie · 24/04/2023 20:13

Oh good!!
Good luck with everything x

HowcanIhelp123 · 24/04/2023 20:18

Openshutthem · 24/04/2023 20:06

Yes he is on BC(huge regret!)
And his mum has always been around when he’s had him

I'm afraid in that case without a court order he has equal rights to you. He could keep baby after contact and refuse to return and you'd have to go to court to get baby back, police wouldn't intervene.

You can keep the visits supervised, get a solicitor and start logging as much evidence as you can. He can decide he's unhappy and take you to court. They will likely allow him contact. If you can get enough evidence to convince a drug test and he fails then you have better chance with restriction, however courts don't like contact centres long term. They view as a step to unsupervised. Could get it written that contact must be supervised by his mum, but that relies on her telling the truth about whether he remained in her presence. It's impossible to say what courts will decide I'm afraid.

Original poster
Openshutthem · 24/04/2023 20:20

HowcanIhelp123 · 24/04/2023 20:18

I'm afraid in that case without a court order he has equal rights to you. He could keep baby after contact and refuse to return and you'd have to go to court to get baby back, police wouldn't intervene.

You can keep the visits supervised, get a solicitor and start logging as much evidence as you can. He can decide he's unhappy and take you to court. They will likely allow him contact. If you can get enough evidence to convince a drug test and he fails then you have better chance with restriction, however courts don't like contact centres long term. They view as a step to unsupervised. Could get it written that contact must be supervised by his mum, but that relies on her telling the truth about whether he remained in her presence. It's impossible to say what courts will decide I'm afraid.

Show quote history

Thankyou. So, in theory I could ‘keep the baby and not hand him over’ then he’d have to take me to court to see him again. In the meantime I could gather evidence of the drugs etc?

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 24/04/2023 20:36

Openshutthem · 24/04/2023 20:20

Thankyou. So, in theory I could ‘keep the baby and not hand him over’ then he’d have to take me to court to see him again. In the meantime I could gather evidence of the drugs etc?

Show quote history

Yes you could, but the courts would likely not look upon this favorably. As I said, you've allowed contact in some form until now. You'll have to justify why you've chosen to obstruct your child's established relationship with their parent and how thats in their best interests. Unless he's done something dangerous you'll quite frankly likely get a bollocking and courts straight on dads side.

You can keep insisting on contact being supervised by you at your home or a public place like soft play with you present. He can go along with it or he can dislike it and take you to court. Then you can show you haven't stopped contact, but unsupervised is unsafe due to a,b,c with x,y,z evidence so you think contact should be supervised and court will decide.

Original poster
Openshutthem · 24/04/2023 21:00

What a mess this all is. I just feel like scooping my baby up and running away

OP posts:
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