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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not trust my DH with my DD?

26 replies

NoSignal · 16/02/2008 11:00

DD is 11 months and wakes up about 2 times every night to feed or quick cuddle to sleep. DH has NEVER offered to help, he thinks he can't because I bf. On the few occations I've asked him to help, he's done it, but he's bitched and winged about it for days after, it's almost not worth it. I am back at work pt and he doesn't even help me then.

Last night dd woke up at 12am for almost an hour, then again at 3am for an hour. At 3.10am he had a total fit, saying DD was selfish and spoiled. He got up and hit the wall with his hand which didn't help. He also said DD's non-sleeping was ruining his life as he was too tired to finction. He was really angry, I was almost scared.

Most nights, he's barely disturbed and he rolls over and goes back to sleep, I have to get up and do all the work. I don't expect a medal, I just expect him to shut up and not get angry if he doesn't help.

Anyway, I have a hen weekend in a few weeks, it's been planned since I was pregnant. I'm not sure I want to go as I'm scared DH will loose his temper with DD. He has NEVER been violent with me, but he does have terrible moods. It's not just the night wakings, it's the daily battles we all have that are always annoying but you get used to, like crawling away 6 times when your trying to put on a nappy, then she pee's on the floor. I just don't know if he can handle it, and I'm scared to say anything because not trusting him would really hurt him.

AIBU? Or an over protective mummy?

OP posts:

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/02/2008 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sophiewd · 16/02/2008 11:06

THat reaction, to be honest would worry me, she is 11 months old and how can he call her selfish. Babies are not easy and yes you both get tired. I don't really kown what to say but IMHO I don't think you are overeacting

Maveta · 16/02/2008 11:07

seeing as it´s your dh I think you should be able to have a pretty open and frank conversation about the problems.

marmadukescarlet · 16/02/2008 11:07

I'm sorry but a grown man hitting a wall? Not acceptable imho.

I would not leave my child with this man to go for a hen weekend.

You both need to decide on an approach to your DDs night wakings - controlled crying or no cry sleep solution etc. He needs to give his opinion even if you do it alone.

I would explain to him that you will not leave DD with him for the weekend because you do not trust him to keep his temper if she wakes him during the night. Bollox to hurting his feelings.

I have reined in my response but I'm sure it isn't very helpful, I expect a wiser more balanced mnetter will be along in a mo!

elesbells · 16/02/2008 11:08

Agree with mmj. I would find somebody else to look after her - you wouldn't enjoy yourself for worry anyway would you? I think the wider issue is your DH and his moods than a hen night tbh. hope you get it sorted.

mears · 16/02/2008 11:10

How often does he deal with her during the day - doies he ever do nappy changes or have you done most of it? Mums quite often don't let their prtners do enough. If he does not deal with her on a regular basis I would not leave her with him - I would leave her at your mums. You need to sit down and have a frank discussion with him. Is there a chance he feels excluded form you relationship with your DD?

madamez · 16/02/2008 11:11

Sleep deprivation can make people grumpy, but his behaviour is excessive. Tell him calmly and firmly that you are not going to leave DD with him because you don't trust him not to hurt her. This may shock him into altering his behaviour or even getting help with managing his temper. However, if he accuses you of being unreasonable, or 'spoiling' the baby, or gets angry, then frankly you need to start looking at ways of leaving him. Because he's potentially dangerous.

edam · 16/02/2008 11:13

He is being not merely unreasonable but a complete tosser who is trying to rule you with aggression. I know being woken in the night makes people grumpy but there is no excuse for behaviour like this. She's the baby, not him. And the cheek of the man, getting angry when you do all the work!

I'd have a very serious conversation with him about how his behaviour is unacceptable if I were you. And if he refuses to acknowledge it, or try to change, I'd think very seriously about the future.

greyskythinker · 16/02/2008 11:16

Nosignal,

It sounds like your DH is particularly affected and irritated from lack of sleep (you know, same idea as man-flu - lack of sleep always worse for men).

However, this is no excuse, I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about his violence (just because he didn't actually hit anyone doesn't mean it wasn't violent), outlining how it makes you feel, scared to leave DD with him etc. I personally would be really scared if my DH reacted like this and I agree your fears seem justified.

My DD didn't sleep until she was 11 months, and I know how awful the cumulative lack of sleep feels, and also like there is no end to it. I also took on the full burden for getting up at night, even though I went back to work after 6 months.

It may help things all round to see if there are any practical solutions to helping your LO to sleep better. I know, I know, the last thing you need are helpful suggestions from meddling strangers telling you how to get your DD to sleep!

batters · 16/02/2008 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 11:58

Agree batters. She is HIS dd too!! If he really can't be trusted with her, why did you have a child together and why are you still with him?

motherinferior · 16/02/2008 12:02

Agree with Edam.

mummoomin · 16/02/2008 12:05

Its not that simple! Im sure the op didnt ever think he was going to be so badtempered with the child, and I cant imagine leaving is that easy. Im sure he was a sweetie, otherwise any woman would have dumped him before the marriage stage. people change...

I wouldnt leave dd with him if it even crosses your mind he may hurt her, if there is even the slightest possibility in your mind that he is capable of losing his temper with her.

Perhaps you could very gently talk to him about how his behaviour worries you, and explain sheis very little and ask if he really thinks she is being selfish. People say silly things when they are angry...

The very best of luck, it sounds pretty upsetting to be in this situation.

HUGS

jennifersofia · 16/02/2008 12:12

What about a trial run of leaving her with him for a few hours of a weekend afternoon, and then a few hours more, etc. so he can see what it is like and build up more relationship with her. You would have to not be there though, for those few hours, so he could sort it out on his own and you wouldn't be tempted to take over. You could always be at the end of the 'phone. At the end of the day, you do want him to have more relationship with her, and he probably does too.

motherinferior · 16/02/2008 12:12

I don't think an adult needs a 'very gentle' conversation. I think he needs a wake-up call. (Literally.)

mummoomin · 16/02/2008 12:17

quite, but if his moods are that unpredicatble and unpleasant a full on wake up call could lead to unpleasantness. But then Im a wimp.

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 12:22

I find it hard to believe that someone can change that much. Was he honestly a lovely sweet tempered man who chose to start a family with you and then turned into a selfish unpredictable bad tempered father?

milkymill · 16/02/2008 12:24

Yanbu unreasonable but, I think it is very easy from our point of view to sit here and say, " that is not accepatable behaviour etc"; but sleep deprivation does make some people irrational and frustrated.

I know I've said/shouted things at the dcs in the middle of a hellish night, that I would never normally dream of saying in the light of day! I think some folks just have a lower tolerance/fuse than others, and your dh is obviously one of them. My dh (who is the most wonderful loving father), was capable of getting into a real state over things like this and tbh I had similar feelings to you myself at first.

If you know in your heart that your dh is not really a violent person, then I think you should sit down with him in a non-confrontational way, and explain how you feel. I think my dh found it a lot harder to cope in a lot of these situations than I did, and it took some time.

We now have 2 dcs, and dh is an old hand now! In fact he's probabaly more patient than I am these days.

BroccoliSpears · 16/02/2008 12:26

"Not trusting him would really hurt him" - yes, but his current behaviour is hurting you. If he weren't behaving like a bit of an arse he wouldn't have to worry about getting his feelings hurt.

milkymill · 16/02/2008 12:28

p.s When they are left on their own, even those selfish 'sleep through anything' types, tend to switch into 'Mummy mode' in a remarkable transformation .

theobromine · 16/02/2008 12:45

unless he has been violent in other situations i think several of these posts are way ott. sleep deprivation is utterly dreadful and if he is really suffering i think it needs to be sorted, then he needs to address the fact that he does not do stuff with your dd. i know he isnt a child, but sometimes men just dont get it and need a bit of a shove in the right direction.

so make sure he has had enough sleep - could he sleep in a different room for a night or two? do you take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekend? then suggest he takes her to the park or the swimming pool. at 11 months she is old enough to enjoy the swings and slides and often daddys are better at swooshing them through the air at the end of the slide cos they are getting heavy! check he doesnt have issues with a pram - my dh only ever uses a back carrier, this may help. if he only deals with the boring stuck at home crap he might be getting frustrated.

and i have kicked cupboards, hit walls etc cos my kids drive me up the wall. it doesnt mean i have ever been violent to my partner and i do not think my children are in danger when they are with me. you need to talk to your partner and find out how he really feels, getting a load of ott responses suggesting you and your dd are in danger isnt really helpful. if you go steaming in saying 'well mumsnet said....' it wont help at all.

he might actually be looking forward to looking after his dd without someone watching all the time. dont make the mistake of thinking she is all yours and you call all the shots, that will just make him back off further

WideWebWitch · 16/02/2008 12:47

Don't go. You need to be happy with the person you're leaving him with. He sounds an inadequate father and husband actually.

motherinferior · 16/02/2008 12:47

But he isn't getting up with the baby! The OP - who is working p/t OTH as well - is doing it all! Why on earth should he be given a special room to catch up on his sleep?

And why on earth assume that he's just frustrated about not getting his share of the childcare - what on earth is stopping him taking her out to the park while the OP has a quick nap to catch up on all the sleep she's losing?

Original poster

NoSignal · 16/02/2008 14:31

Ummmmm, I think I should've explained myself better. I was very angry this morning when I posted and didn't go into detail, I appologise if I mislead anyone into thinking my DH was abusive.

He works on average 70 hours a week self employed and he spends every moment he can with dd. Admittadly, thats not allot of time, but he tries.

He has never been violent in the past but he has hit the wall or thrown the occational mobile phone. He's always been a bit like a grumpy bear.

He sometimes gets dd to himself and they usually have a great time together. He was really looking forward to spending a weekend with her, not just because he hardly gets to see her but also because he never gets 2 days off together.

We had a long talk this morning about his temper and his role as a daddy. He is going to try and keep his temper under control and I'm going to try and include him instead of taking over all the time. We'll asses the situation again in a few weeks and if he's still not able to stay calm, he'll take dd to his Mum's house for the weekend, so he's got support if he needs it.

Thank you all for all the replies.

OP posts:

Ineedacleaner · 16/02/2008 20:45

My DH struggled with our 1st child and the sleepless nights very badly too and I did have the same how could I leave you alone with her converstaion. TBH the thing that would worry me in this sitauion is that he is not used to settling her in the night and she is not used to being settled by him so I think he needs to start taking a few turns to make sure they both get used to each other before you go away because it will be upsetting and stressful for them both if it doesn't happen until you are away.

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