To not want DD being friends with this girl (5 year old who seems to be a bully)

[WhoSaidWhat123]

I never want to be the mother who wants to tell my children what to do because I’ve grown up with a very controlling Mum, however this girl has had many complaints off other Mum’s in school for bullying their child. For example pushing 1 girl around on many occasions, telling everyone not to play with another girl and told the girls to run away from her if she came to them, hit another girl on the head with a ruler because she wasn’t sharing, calling another girl fat (when she certainly isn’t fat).

DD has a strange friendship with her. DD is friends with her but sometimes she doesn’t want to do anything with her because she has been mean to DD. For example DD has had sand thrown in her eyes when DD didn’t want to do what she wants to do (this was in nursery) which stopped DD wanting to go to nursery for a while. She has been telling DD what to do, shouting at her, not letting her play with anyone else but her, telling DD she can’t play as Elsa because her hair is brown not blonde like hers, again there was a time DD was crying on Sunday’s not wanting to go to school. I’ve obviously spoken to school about it and they’ve had a word many times with the group and the girl. But DD seems to still be friends with this girl and I hate it to be honest because I worry that DD will be bullied by this girl if she goes against her, or will be forced to do something naughty, or may become a bully herself?

I’ve been told by another Mum at the school that their girl told them that my DD tries to tell the other girl she doesn’t want to play with her when the other girl tried to take DD away from others, and this other mum’s girl told the mean one that my DD doesn’t want to play with her and now this girl is being bullied daily by the mean one and it’s been going on for 2 months now and the mum has had to take her girl out and into another school because the girl was crying daily not wanting to go in.

Sorry I know the post is long. I’m just so worried as a mother thinking how is this going to resolve itself? It’s a small school and there are only 8 girls in the class and the other girls have made a tight group and won’t do anything with the other group (mean girl and my DD and 2 others), because they’ve been pushed by the mean one. So do I just wait it out and see what happens, or do I have a word with DD the next time she is the one that’s been targeted by the mean one and tell her to maybe forget about her as a friend?!

It's not an over reaction at all.

Yes she is 5, but she is behaving badly towards your daughter and these are important years in developing her self esteem, self worth and boundaries. If she continues to be exposed to this child in this intense way, she will be effected and not just in the short term.

And 'nursery school behaviors' definitely do need to be dealt with (perhaps not held against her tho), otherwise they become primary school behavior, high school behavior, bullying partner behavior etc.

At what age does someone go from a hurt child, acting out, into a bully???

@GeoffGiraffe

good advice, thank you.

Yes, definitely is more of a desire to be in control. She keeps telling my DD what to do apparently, so my DD says. That she can’t use certain colour pens or whatever, to which I tell my DD that “the pens aren’t hers to say who can use them so to use them if you want and to speak with the teacher if she is adamant on not letting you use them” and so on. So definitely seems more of just her trying to be in control, and possibly my DD being an easy target as I worry I’ve unfortunately taught her into being a bit of a softy.

@itsabigtree

That’s exactly it. I worry once a 5 year old’s self esteem is ruined it’s hard to get it back. That’s the whole reason one of DD’s friend’s is leaving the school to another. She has been called fat (when she is not), and now she is self-conscious and hasn’t wanted to wear skirts or a dress because she’s been telling her Mum that her legs are fat.

And since when do 5 year old’s say these things?! When I was growing up no one was any different to each other, if someone was on the big side, we didn’t notice, if someone was in faded hand me down uniform, we didn’t notice. But this girl notices all these things and tells all the other girls these things.

All these people saying a 5 year old can’t be a bully are part of the problem! She absolutely is a bully and I would get your daughter to distance herself from her. Her behaviour will only get worse and she’ll end up with no friends and so will your daughter

So for those who said this child is not a bully. Just to list what has happened in the last couple of weeks alone:

1. DD hit and punched in the face
2. DD pushed from the top of a climbing frame
3. DD having a heavy object thrown at her

now tell me this child is not a bully. Honestly no wonder there are so many kids with this kind of behaviour in schools if adults think this is not bullying behaviour!!!!!

You can't really control who your child plays with at school, you can only really advise. At 5 they are fickle little things and one day they are friends and one day they are not. Theyre also not really very good at remembering what you've said.

Speak to school if you're concerned about bullying and encourage other friendships through play dates etc.

I had an issue with my eldest when he was 9/10, it was much easier to get through to him at that age. He did take my advice and things improved but at 5, you really just need to be letting school know.

It’s a small school and there are only 8 girls in the class and the other girls have made a tight group and won’t do anything with the other group (mean girl and my DD and 2 others), because they’ve been pushed by the mean one.

Perhaps the little clique of 4 are actually the mean girls. Do you seriously think all the other girls should shun this 5-year-old? Well done your DD for giving her a chance.