People pleasing, resentment & relationships

[PPSWife]

Hi,

My DH has recently come to the realisation that he’s a people pleaser and he doesn’t want to be this way any more. He thinks it’s a learned behaviour from his father who was the same way with his mother and also a product of coming from a family that is very conflict averse. He’s slowly started to be more honest about what he thinks and feels and I’m really proud of him for making this change. I had always sensed and told him that I didn’t feel like I always really knew who he was. He never understood that until he came to the realisation himself that he is a people pleaser and he wasn’t being authentic.

He has however started to question whether he wants to carry on with our relationship. I think there is a lot of resentment towards me because I am ashamed to say I took advantage of his agreeable nature, particularly in the early years of our relationship when I had my own insecurities and I wasn’t very mature in how I handled them. At the same time he wasn’t able to set boundaries around my behaviour and wasn’t able to express healthy anger because he was scared of how I would respond. I think we both accept that we are both to blame here.

My feeling is that this is a resolvable issue and I want us to work on it through marriage counselling. He seems less sure. He has said he wants to separate for now and then he will think about whether to pursue counselling. I think he feels like he doesn’t know who he is any more and needs time to figure it out. He has also discussed divorce, children, finances etc so I think that’s a real possibility for him, even though right now he’s just asking to separate.

I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar. I do think he will come out much happier eventually as an authentic person but I don’t know if it possible to overcome resentment and save our relationship?

I think you should give him some space and let him decide what he wants to do.

In what way did you take advantage of him in the early part of your relationship?

When you say you took advantage what do you mean exactly? That could cover a very broad spectrum of behaviours ranging from you getting him to help out with jobs around the house from you cheating or stealing money from him?

It's potentially resolvable if he works through it but, and I don't mean to sound overly cynical, it's also possible that he's using this "growth" exercise as a cover story for some other sort of disillusionment and trying to get a free pass to not finish the marriage for honest reasons. I have to say that men quite often take the cowardly route in these situations if they can.

As the PP said give him a bit of space to think about it and decide what he actually wants but be on your guard for delay tactics and bullshit. He is entitled to try to bottom this out but he can't string you along for ages or try to have it both ways if he has in fact checked out. You need to have a deadline beyond which you're not prepared to indulge this....

@piedbeauty Thanks.
I had a lot of insecurities about the relationship (due to certain behaviours of his) and would become extremely emotionally unregulated and angry. This happened less and less over the years and the last episode was in 2019. He tolerated my behaviour because he wasn’t able to define boundaries and because he felt it was his punishment for what he had done to me. We both agree that there was always going to be some fallout from what he did but it probably went on for much longer then it should have. If I had taken the initiative to seek therapy or if he had put his foot down it probably wouldn’t have gone on for as long as it did.

I have to say I would be suspicious here. I may be being unfair but it sounds like he’s trying to set this up as your fault to pave the way for him to leave with as little guilt as possible and not own his reasons.

It sounds very odd to me that something which ceased to be a problem four years ago would suddenly tear its head as part of a “self awareness” exercise. I smell a rat.

How is your marriage in general? Is it possible he’s met someone? Because it sounds like the beginning of a cheaters script.

And sorry I’m a cynical bitch but this stuff is as old as the hills.

@Thepeopleversuswork Yes I agree. We discussed timelines and he said no more than 6 months to decide what to do.
I also told him it’s not an opportunity to explore whether the grass is greener on the other side and he agreed to that. I also asked him if there is anyone else and he says there isn’t. Because his growth is so much about being honest, I am inclined to believe him.

Hmmm this sounds like he cheated on you in the past, you were emotional and angry about it and it made you feel insecure in the relationship, so he has been extra nice to you since but now can’t keep up the pretence anymore. He is now rewriting history and blaming you? Have I got that right?

@TempName247 We were friends since childhood and I knew he always felt some for me. In our 20s he started lovebombing me, he then became overwhelmed for various reasons and left me all off a sudden. He moved on very quickly after that. I was completely heartbroken and I never forgot him despite having had two subsequent relationships. When he came back I took him back, but I found it hard to trust him. I know I’ll be told it was wrong to take him back but I’ve never had the connection I had with him with anyone else in my life.

That's quite an update OP. What's the actual timeline here? You were together, he dumped you, then you took him back and now he's talking about divorce?

How long have you been married?

@Thepeopleversuswork Yes I didn’t really understand why historic stuff is coming up now but he says it’s just part of his growth and realisation that he’s always repressed what he’s felt. It’s not just with me. He has some old issues with his parents and siblings which he never really spoke to them about but I was aware off. He is raging against them all off a sudden, even though they haven’t done anything “new” to trigger those issues.

@Mochinated We got married shortly after I took him back and it’s been ten years now.

Honestly? And I apologise for sounding like a cynical dark cloud, but it sounds like he's picked up on some buzzwords like "people pleaser" "authentic" "learned behaviour" "conflict averse" from somewhere and is weaponising them to exit while conveniently blaming your historic behaviour because it both resolves him of responsibility and makes it look like a product of personal growth.
My nose is in the air looking for the rat.

@PPSWife

I know I’ll be told it was wrong to take him back but I’ve never had the connection I had with him with anyone else in my life.

There's no point looking back, everyone makes mistakes. You need to figure out how to move forwards.

What I would say, though, is that he's shown you before that he can't be trusted and that he is capable of playing games with you.

It sounds like he's using your historical behaviour against you as an excuse to set himself up to leave you by making you sound "unregulated" as you put it, thereby making him look like the good guy. In fact, despite whatever psychobabble he's swallowed, your behaviour wasn't unregulated it was perfectly rational: you correctly identified that he wasn't trustworthy. This is textbook gaslighting.

I'm not going to tell you what to do with your marriage and he does deserve a chance to think about his next steps but FWIW I don't buy this bollocks about his "personal growth" and emotional honesty.

He's decided to leave (for reasons as yet unclear) and is trying to make you think it's your fault. Don't buy it. If your marriage is going to end you need to be clear-headed, decisive and hold onto your self-esteem. Don't be derailed by his guilt-tripping.

"There's the door. Enjoy your growth."

@Thepeopleversuswork It has crossed my mind that he’s just looking to blame me. On the other hand I know that he has told everyone that the separation is all down to him, that he’s going through a personal change and that I am a fantastic wife so I don’t know.

I have enough self awareness to see that my behaviour was not acceptable. I would get triggered by insignificant things at things at times and become uncontrollable. My own feeling is that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Most people with BPD no longer show signs off it after about ten years. I’m going to start therapy and I will discuss it with my psych. I do wish I had known about it earlier and sought a possible diagnosis and help then.

@PPSWife

I mean this as kindly as possible but I think you're being far, far too kind to him and you need to find your anger. You say your behaviour was "unacceptable": who gets to decide what was unacceptable? There are two sides to every story and clearly your behaviour was intemperate but what about his? This hasn't happened in a vacuum.

You may have freaked out and lashed out at him: it may tactically have been the wrong thing to do but sounds as if he's deserved it? He's thoroughly betrayed your trust and strung you along on several occasions. Now he's bleating on about how he needs to get away from you to achieve "growth". I call bullshit.

You've now internalised all this "growth" stuff which he's feeding you as if this excused his behaviour. Take a step back and ask yourself what he's trying to achieve with all this?

There's nothing wrong with self-reflection and ownership and therapy would probably be a good idea but you seem to be unquestioningly buying into his narrative on this. You had very good reasons to be upset and angry. Instead of turning all this in on yourself, you need to ask yourself why someone who is supposed to love you and have your back has dicked you around over a period of many years and is now blaming you for the fact he wants to leave.

@Thepeopleversuswork I appreciate you sharing a different perspective. I’m trying to take a balanced view on things. I don’t think either of us are bad people but we are both quite broken and have hurt each other a lot. Both him and I recognise that the reason for my behaviour was what he did in the first place but at some point I also feel like I need to take some accountability and I can’t place the blame entirely on him. He definitely deserved some of it, but I do feel now that it should have stopped sooner than it did. Instead he kept taking it and I didn’t think about the impact my words were having on him. I have said awful, hurtful things to him at times. It’s almost like my brain would shut down for a short period of time and I would always regret it immediately after. I don’t know if I would tolerate him saying those things to me.

I do feel like he’s entitled to feel resentful but the timing is all strange given this stuff hasn’t happened for a long time. I do think you could be right that I’m buying into his narrative about growth too much. I have wondered if he’s maybe going through a midlife crisis. I’ve seen the script. I don’t think there’s another woman but I guess anything is possible. I just find it hard to believe that he could make up this whole thing about being honest and authentic and at the same time be hiding something from me. I think you would have to be a pretty messed up person to do that.

Op you can’t beat up someone for something that happened decades ago. This is an excuse! It’s clear you have apologised and have owned your less than perfect behaviour. So to initiate a divorce now is ridiculous.

Where are the buzzwords coming from?

I am sorry but I think he has met someone else and he is looking to put the blame squarely on you. Stop accepting blame and start questioning his motivations and deflections.

His ‘honesty’ will include finding his authentic self with someone else. Please prepare for the worst. It’s not often I say that.

If you aren't going to couples therapy or actively working on a plan to reconnect in a positive way then I don't think the relationship will survive. You said he wants time out for half a year before he will even consider counselling and he has worked out plans around divorce, the children and finances. He has been thinking about an exit plan for a long time.It takes both of you to actively be working towards saving the marriage and despite what he told you about not wanting to see "if the grass is greener" it sounds like that is just what he is sizing up with the option to come back and go to counselling after half a year.

Can you afford for him to leave? Will you be left with dealing with the family whilst he gets to explore "his growth" for half a year. He's done a number on you - he has you feeling sorry for him and blaming yourself. Perhaps he is reluctant to go to counselling as it might show up that your reactions to his behaviour were logical. I'd be getting all your documents together, checking benefit calculators and seeing a solicitor (don't tell him). He has his plans in place and you have been caught on the backfoot and need to catch up. You need to know where you would stand. He's playing nice for now but might cut up rough later in terms of finances. He wants you to "play nice" and agree to all his plans whilst he has you convinced he is a victim.

I know you love him and must be heartbroken and grieving but you need to catch up and stand up for your DC and yourself. This man is no longer your friend.

I agree. Get legal advice immediately. Copies of everything and don’t assume he hasn’t been planning this for months. He is way ahead of you already, and has said as much.
Don’t let him carry you out and blame you for it.

I agree with this. It's difficult to completely understand with all the pyscho-wibble, but it does sound like he wants 6 months to see if things will work out with someone else. He calls himself a 'people pleaser', but this doesn't seem to include treating you well.

I'm afraid it strikes me as B.S too OP! You've said you've both made mistakes in the relationship, but I think giving him 6 months to make up his mind would be a MASSIVE mistake. He doesn't want to consider counselling at this stage, so he clearly doesn't WANT the marriage to work out. Therefore in your shoes, I would be telling him in no uncertain terms, no counselling, no 6 months trial separation, you either want it to work or you don't, but you don't get to go off for 6 months doing goodness knows what, only to find that the grass isn't greener, and then expect to come back, while I meanwhile have to put my life on hold. Reminds me of the song by Beautiful South - A Little Time! If you don't remember it I suggest you Google. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but as others have suggested, time to get your own legal advice.

I dunno, I think some people are doing mental gymnastics to make your felly there the bad guy. This is Mumsnet so yeah...that happens.

You admit you treated him like crap for a long time, took advantage of his good nature and indulged your anger. Maybe now as a mature adult it has left a sour taste in his mouth that he can't wash away.

@PPSWife

Both him and I recognise that the reason for my behaviour was what he did in the first place but at some point I also feel like I need to take some accountability and I can’t place the blame entirely on him

No that’s fine. But you seem to be taking all the accountability. And he is holding onto some things you did four years ago under great duress as a reason to punish you.

It doesn’t add up OP. Why would he have made peace with your behaviour (which was a reaction to poor treatment by him), only to decide after several years that he actually hadn’t made peace with it.

Hes using it post hoc as an excuse for poor behaviour. You are bending over backwards to examine your own behaviour and not looking enough at his and asking what his real motives are to do this.

I don’t know if there’s another woman or a breakdown or what is going on but there’s definitely more to this than he is telling you.

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