How do you get calmer if you are passionate about your work?

[Verysadatwork]

Hello there,
I’m going through some problems at work just now - and I’m very emotional about it.
I’m not ashamed of that and don’t see it as a character flaw as my passion is how I’ve achieved what I’ve achieved.
However, as a manager myself now I know how much I appreciate restraint and clarity when a team member is upset.
my boss and I had a big emotional blowout 15 months ago which ended well (he is emotional too though doesn’t show it usually). But we can’t have that twice….. I want to communicate more effectively.

i have another thread but it is probably too specific to be of interest, so I’m hoping others are interested in the general point.

Always give yourself time before you respond to things and think carefully about whether you are reacting (emotional) or responding (bit more thought out).
Be disciplined with yourself! It will soon become habit.

I would dig in to why whatever is happening is resulting in such strong emotions. Is it bringing up feelings from the past that you might not be aware of..? I’ve found journaling (a specific method called journalspeak developed by Nicole Sachs, but there are lots of ways to do it), to be really helpful for things like this. Often when we are reacting to things strongly we’re triggering some old wounds. Maybe feels of embarrassment, shame, not good enough, anger, resentment, being treated unfairly and not feeling you had a voice… could literally be anything. Once past feelings are excavated and felt tho it makes us a lot less reactive to current stressors and allows us to have a lot more self compassion for ourselves.

practically in the moment, if you’re dealing with someone try and take a few minutes to gather yourself, and like a pp says use that pause to respond as opposed to reacting

Despite seeming calm I’m very passionate about my work. I struggled with how to raise issues as a manager. I had company paid supervisions with an independent person and we thrashed it out. I’m very diplomatic and solution focused, I listen to everyone’s ideas and come up a combined solution so everyone has ownership

I cannot imagine any job that would be worth that. Work is work - trading some of my time for cash to survive.

Also on a practical level, write an email and don’t send it for 24 hours. Recheck contents before sending. Or give a 24 hour delay when sending heated texts or phone calls. Time often takes the heat out of things. Work out diplomatic ways of expressing your needs. Keep your eyes on the outcome

You want to communicate more effectively then...how?

What has been happening when you have communicated less effectively than you want?

I think you can be passionate without having poor emotional regulation, so I probably would try not to buy into a narrative of the situation where having emotional "blowouts" are a positive - I think it's unprofessional and probably uncomfortable for colleagues to deal with.

In practical terms - it's finding ways to slow down and think (taking a deep breath, counting to ten, walking away, don't send an email right away). Google some breathing exercises. Some people find brief intense exercise helpful for helping manage difficult emotions.

Write it all down. Go for walks. Observe people in the business or find a mentor who has a different approach to work to you.

It's simply about learning to manage your communication style. Loads of tips on the internet here tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-get-your-point-across-calmly-and-effectively/ for example.

Most importantly people are more likely to take your point on board if you remain calm.

You should also learn to recognise your trigger points, that way you can back out before exploding. It's ok to say something like you need some time to reflect on that, so you're not reacting in the moment.

My problems tend to lie at the other end, so I've learned the tell's before I tumble into the abyss.

Find a "life" outside work?

Work to live, not live to work.

That’s not how a lot of people see their work though. For some people (myself included) their work is their life’s calling. I do what I do to make a difference in the world and I’ve invested years in education and work to be able to do that.

It’s natural to be invested in the thing you spend so much of your life doing. If you weren’t passionate I’m sure you wouldn’t be half as good at it. It’s happened to me, I just have to take a beat before I respond or give myself 5 minutes outside to really think strategically about what I want to outcome to be and then respond accordingly.

I oversee quite a lot of staff and it can be difficult to be 100% objectives when dealing with emotions and personalities and competing priorities at work but I just try to keep respect at the heart of it and seek first to understand (that’s my cult of Covey coming out but it’s never steered me wrong!)

I get being invested if you're a teacher or brain surgeon or whatever.

Not so if you're working in credit control in an insurance company. And everyone who's ever worked in an office has come across the "passionate" people.

So what is the alternative to being at least a little bit invested in your work ? Turn up every day and do the minimum possible without any pride or interest?

Most jobs have some impact on the public. In the "credit control" example you mention, what happens if the address of a victim of domestic violence is given out incorrectly, or a widow gets the wrong insurance claim. People have to care that these things are right, or they shouldn't be in that role.

But keeping emotions under control are an important component of being a professional employee.

For some people work is a huge part of their identity and is more than just a way to make money.
And that's okay

wow thank you some really good answers - wish I could just soak up the wisdom effortlessly! but life doesn't work like that of course.

I'm not a brain surgeon but I am doing defence litigation now and because innocent people get sued personally (ie their house is on the line) in my line of work (strict liability torts for you legal eagles) it can get pretty intense. It's not like being a criminal lawyer where you almost have no choice but to toughen up - it's supposed to be commercial but because people get sued personally it isn't really.

My boss meanwhile is running "a business that happens to be a law firm" (usually that's good as he doesn't interfere in cases) and enjoying himself being creative imagining new hires and their KPIs, etc, etc. He isn't asking what I need to stop working weekends.....

Just wanted to say we had a big meeting yesterday and it went pretty well.

I reread this and chatted with the firm’s only experienced female manager beforehand, she was very helpful.

then in the meeting I described and explained my emotions but did not display them (at one point my voice may have quavered but he clocked it and we moved quickly on).
I explained how differences in our patterns of behaviour make it hard for me to provide him with the information he needs before he makes decisions, and that therefore he is at risk of making bad decisions that create risk of destabilising the existing team.
he accepted that he is an oversimplifier and that I am closer to the facts than him.

Learn to be less bothered/passionate. Challenge is we judge and expect others to think and behave how we would do and are constantly disappointed when they don’t (as we think out way is the right way). I’m listening to an audio book that talks about the foolishness of looking for emotional support or connections at work , she argues that’s what your friends abs family are for and work is just work.

and as others have said, your passion/upset will be related to something in your past/childhood. I’m a people pleaser and look out for peoples moods as I had to do that as a child so if left unchecked I assume I’m the cause of peoples moods and take more on to make people like me and then get cross when I’m not thanked. Not worth it. As a colleague says , you get paid regardless don’t you, you don’t get your wage taken away for not bothering , amount you care does not translate into your salary or position. You could go in today and find out you were being made redundant and then none of this angst would matter.

What cured me was getting made redundant from a job I enjoyed and it takiing 4 months for me to get another. During that (miserable) time I spent time with my father who was splitting up with DM. Neither of us was in a good place but we both had to learn that life isn't work (for us) and find a way to survive on almost no money and the hope of finding work. When I saw how easily it can all evaporate (work) and how no-one will care except yourself it helped me to take work much less seriously.

Seems rooted in your needs being dismissed or not listened to then.

what @misskatamari said is spot on in my experience. Usually big feelings are a clue that it’s something from childhood feeding into what’s going on in the present. Because when we’re little, feelings and attachments with others can literally mean life or death as we depend on adults to survive. And to an undeveloped nervous system that hasn’t learned to tolerate a range of feelings yet, feelings can feel very big and ‘global’.

So when you expressed what you needed in childhood were you often dismissed? Or have you perhaps learned to not express what you need because you’d learned from very early on that your needs would be dismissed? So can expressing what you need now - or having needs dismissed - feel scary? Might take a bit of rooting around to really figure out what’s true for you which is where a good journalling technique like ‘journalspeak’ can come in useful.

it might be sparking some old grief that just needs to be acknowledged, held, felt for it to pass. Once that link to the past is broken and you practice more situations where something different happens (you express your needs and they’re listened to for example) then the feelings might still be there but they might not be so deep, big or ‘global’. And your nervous system will get more used to tolerating that range of feeling and will have more capacity because you won’t have old grief taking up bandwidth.

wow, these are amazing answers.

I take the point about family being "real". However, what we strive for as a firm is to acknowledge that we are not family, merely colleagues, and that sometimes family comes first.

Often though when you leave a place you realise that people have become actual friends.

It's actually a pretty healthy place to work most of the time.

What is the point of remarks like this? Genuinely, what are you seeking to achieve other than to make some snarky point about someone who is invested in their career?

The OP enjoys her work and feels strongly about it. That's allowed.

We get it, there are a lot of people who disapprove of people enjoying their jobs and feel that women who work are corporate automatons who've drunk the Kook Aid etc but it's not your place to pronounce on how someone else feels about their livelihood.

I take the point about childhood stuff.

As a child I felt that being clever and kind wasn't enough because I (i) my parents wanted me to be beautiful and affable (ii) no matter how clever I was I was powerless to solve their problems so this weird mysterious sense of shame hung over us. Sadly I couldn't trust them - they loved me but used my confidences against each other or my brothers (or got excessively angry with the other child I was talking about,etc).

In an appraisal long ago I was told that my biggest weakness was my appearance, especially my hair (I had some alopaceia at that time). I felt absolutely betrayed. I remembered something ascribed to Winston Churchill when he was challenged in Parliament for being drunk by a female MP and he retorted "madam, tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly" :(. Like all I had achieved didn't matter. we had it out and my manager apologised wholeheartedly and we moved on.

Later I was actually bullied at work but the bully tried to say I wasn't very bright. I had a sort of Carrie-from-Sex-and-the-city moment (she says "You're telling me I don't know shoes? No. Men I may not know but shoes - shoes i know") and it was what made me realise he was just a pathetic bully. So I am more secure there.

I work in the environment sector, trying to deliver projects as well as policy and strategy changes that will protect wildlife, help tackle climate change and make us more connected with nature as well as better able to deal with droughts floods & other natural disasters that will come with climate change. I find it really difficult to separate life from work and it does bring a significant emotional aspect to every bit of my job.
There's lots of us who are working a job that is a vocation as well as a wage, we're trying to do something we believe is important and work is not 'just work'.

@Verysadatwork

I think you sound very insightful. It can be hard to regulate emotion if you’re being victimised against or there is clear injustice. It really is very difficult if you’re dealing with dark personalities too. I’ve worked in mental health for years which does attract some shady people and there are huge issues relating to power dynamics at all sorts of levels. I think you need to find your triggers and work on them. It can be a lifelong, slow process but I bet you, as time passes, you get so much better in this area. Good luck.

I haven't really got any suggestions apart from your calm and well prepared approach to your meeting sounds ideal. I'm also very very clear about making sure my suggestions/points/proposals are specific and time limited and have a clear action. So I build up a clear record of why my ideas/comments/feedback are ignored. It just doesn't disappear into the ether!!