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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t my mother to visit us!

18 replies

Ruthfulmum · 24/04/2023 03:51

Hi everyone, my toddler and I have moved to another city to start a fresh life. Mainly from relationship abuse and disinterested parents whom I felt were not supportive in many ways. It’s been 10 months since I have moved and have been doing well but work can get busy as a training nurse but I have an older lady in her 50s who picks up dc from daycare when I am late.

I got a WhatsApp message from my mother who I infrequently communicate with, that she would like to come and help me for a month. She has just finished her contract at work and it’s not going to be renewed. I think she feels bad because a few relatives (Indian) have been asking her if she’s come help/visit. Personally I feel like she’s wanting to come here because of guilt and have a holiday since her job is not continuing.
I would not have to feel obliged to look after her in the future but if she comes I’d feel like there will be an expectation. I really don’t feel like I want her here and she’s asking if she should book flights. AIBU?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/04/2023 04:02

YANBU. I'd tell her not to book flights. Whilst you could try and soften your message a bit - the flat's not big enough you'd have to book into a hotel or some such excuse - it's probably best in the long run to be truthful. E.g. 'No Mum I'd rather you didn't come, you're only raising the subject because your relatives expect you to. You don't actually want to help me, and I don't want to have to deal with that AGAIN, so no - don't book flights.'

Summer2424 · 24/04/2023 04:42

Hi @Ruthfulmum i'd let my mum visit, any bit of help is great and she will get to spend time with her grandchild x

Coolhwip · 24/04/2023 05:51

No, a month is too long. Would she actually help or just sit there expecting meals to be cooked for her?

And you’d still have to pay the lady who takes care of your dc so not much help there.

Do you even have space for her?

If you told her she can come for a weekend, would she turn up and just stay for a month?

Original poster

Ruthfulmum · 24/04/2023 07:11

I think it is going to cost me having her here because she will feel that she is helping me so I have to pay for food and all. She will cook for sure.

I have a one bed apartment, not enough room. I will suggest that since my course finishes in August, we will come and visit them at hour family home; my dad will be there and my brother lives close by. It maybe nice to have her helping and bonding but am not sure it will work best.

I also have my own way of managing dc l/ toddler which am not sure she would agree with.

OP posts:

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 24/04/2023 07:45

If you've only one bedroom for you and your DC, she'll need to book a hotel.

PyjamaFan · 24/04/2023 07:46

A month is far too long. Absolutely not.

Carsarelife · 24/04/2023 07:49

I'd let her come over if she's making an effort. See how the relationship pans out after that

pizzaHeart · 24/04/2023 07:57

I agree that a month is far too long if:
you are not getting along well generally
you have different approaches to parenting
you don’t have separate room for the visitor
it means additional costs for you and you are not made of money

I would say her not to book the flights (very clearly), you are coping ok atm and there is no space for her to stay. Then I say that you are planning to visit over summer etc etc.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 24/04/2023 08:02

I'm struggling to see the issue, you said you've been asking her to come and visit and help, and now she's in a position to do so, you don't want her to come.

Maybe is is out of guilt she's coming, but with regards to it being because her contract has ended, I don't doubt it's convenient for her, but I'd not fly to visit someone if it wasn't convenient for me, unless it was an emergency.

If you don't want her there, firstly don't ask her to come, and in this case just say no, it's not convenient for you, if you feel you can't do that tell her a month is too long and she can come for a week.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 24/04/2023 08:03

Apologies, I've just re read your op and it was her friends/relatives who have been asking her to visit. Ignore my post, tell her no or reduce it down to a week

Starlightstarbright1 · 24/04/2023 08:04

Just tell her sorry nit a great time do busy and wouldn't work space wise with baby and finishing coursework. We can come see you in August .

A month with someone you don't get on with in a one bedroom appt sounds like torture

NoFall · 24/04/2023 08:11

No chance. She wasn’t interested and supportive before, it was part of the reason you moved. Let her deal with her guilt and have to explain to relatives why she’s not seeing you . And don’t be used for a holiday. No one is obligated to look after parents in old age, least of all the parents who are rubbish.

Sounds like you needed some distance so don’t let her bother you now. If you want to keep in touch, visit for a short period of time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/04/2023 14:02

Ruthfulmum · 24/04/2023 07:11

I think it is going to cost me having her here because she will feel that she is helping me so I have to pay for food and all. She will cook for sure.

I also have my own way of managing dc l/ toddler which am not sure she would agree with.

That gives you even more opportunities to put her off.

No mum, it's a one-bedroom flat there's no room for you.

No mum, I can't afford to feed you for a month.

No mum, a month's disruption is far too long.

No mum, I doubt you'll be much of a help, you haven't been in the past and I'm in no mood to play along with you pretending to your relatives that you're a doting grandmother.

No mum, all you'll do is insist on doing everything 'your way', and I really cannot be arsed with that.

Just - no.

Original poster

Ruthfulmum · 25/04/2023 01:02

🙏🙏🙏🤣😂. I have replied and no word from her. Thank you so much for the advice. I knew I don’t ant her here but I get frazzled and anxious when I have to stand up to her. I could tell I was tense after receiving the WhatsApp message with my grinding teeth and clenched jaw but now I realise how free I am, I am encouraged by the responses.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ruthfulmum · 25/04/2023 13:16

I replied: thank you for wanting to come help us. We are doing really well at the moment, the yard yards are done and life has gotten easier. We will visit home in august.

She replied:
”My thoughts:
You have been doing it tough for a while and don't have to do it tough on your own. I really want to do this... my heart tells me to. Part of my purpose is to be supportive to you and I am feeling purposeless at the moment. It will help me too in many ways to come over. I have been working and have savings, I will pay grocery, clean and cook.
I feel strongly about this.
Have a blessed and happy day ✨️ 💛
Love Maa ❤️“

I think she is missing the point

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 25/04/2023 21:48

Say you really appreciate her kind offer but your home is too small to accommodate her for so long, you will need peace to study so will be poor company for her and your strongest preference is to have a relaxed visit in August where you can also meet the rest of the family.

You are already feeling the stress (grinding teeth and clenched jaw - which can destroy your health over time...) so be very clear that you won't see her until later in the year. Good luck! 🌹

GR8GAL · 11/03/2024 10:10

Ruthfulmum · 25/04/2023 13:16

I replied: thank you for wanting to come help us. We are doing really well at the moment, the yard yards are done and life has gotten easier. We will visit home in august.

I think she is missing the point

" I really want"...."my heart tells me"..."my purpose"..."I am feeling"..."It will help me"...

Something tells me she's not doing this for your benefit...

FleaDog · 11/03/2024 10:16

Blunt reterative reply.

"I don't want you to visit. I'm doing fine."

Grey rock etc.

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