To ask for help

[Diamondsare4ever3]

Hi

i really hope someone on here can offer advice. I’m absolutely miserable right now and am crying writing this, as daft as it sounds. I saw very similar posts on here but they weren’t recent so I thought I would be better to start my own than being up an old thread

i want to keep it anonymous but I’ll post as much information as I can.

I’m working in a graduate job which involves a training period of working independently and also being monitored by my boss and as I pass more assessments I’ll get more responsibilities, until eventually when I’ve passed it all I’ll be fine to work on my own and I will be signed off. Very similar to an FY1 year for doctors, or a NQT teaching year.

im so shit at it all and I’m so miserable. My boss who overseas me is really knowledgeable, experienced and just so good at the job. They are genuinely really nice but they can be fierce too especially if I don’t know things that I should, or if I do something badly that I should be good at. They’re not unfair but they have extremely high expectations and don’t do softness/emotions. In fairness i sometimes do make mistakes that are unacceptable and moronic.

im trying so so hard at everything because I don’t want to let my colleagues, my boss and my family down. I somehow fluked my way into being top of my degree and now they assume I’ll be good at things but I’m not. I’m shit and incapable. I never do anything right and I’m just not good enough and by the stage I’m at now I should be better. I’m not doing anything right. I study everyday and night and am working 6 days a week because I’m so busy. i asked my boss a question which as I asked it I realised how moronic I was. She answered me but was clearly annoyed I had wasted her time with something so stupid which is fair .I went a walk in my lunch break to a local park and broke down into tears and just didn’t want to go back. I felt so pathetic but i feel like such a waste of space.

I just want to quit and go home to my parents. I want a hug from my mum and for this all just to stop. Everyone keeps saying after this training period is over it gets better but what if it doesn’t and what if I’m always shit? Im going to let everyone down because im so shit and I’m so worried/frightened/upset about it all. I feel like I’m not tough enough or good enough for this and I’d be better off just quitting now. I hate myself for how shit I am and I hate the fact that this is my dream job and Im doing so shit.

Apologies for how long this all is, I just needed to get it all off my chest.

has anyone else had similar with their jobs? Do you have any advice? Thank you❤️

This takes me back to a similar period in my life. I wish I could go back and do it again knowing what I know now. Which is basically this: I’m good enough.

I had so many thoughts about being a fraud and being found out for being so useless. I felt that everyone around me was superior to me and that this was obvious to anyone around. I felt like I couldn’t go on and wished for someone or something to save me. I’d fantasise about a “gentle” car accident so that I’d have an excuse. I felt deeply lonely but wasn’t really aware what that feeling was until a lot later. I also felt like a fish out of water after sailing through academics and facing real people in the real world. I put pressure on myself automatically, and didn’t realise there was any other way of being after doing it for so long.

Fast forward 10 or so years, and I’m glad I pushed through, because things got a lot easier. I moved out of my unhappy home. I learned to speak up at work when I was incredibly unhappy. I fell in love. Had therapy. I’m still slightly waiting for someone to come and arrest me for not being the real deal 😂but mostly I’m a lot better these days.

I would bet that you too are good enough OP, you just don’t feel it.

Oh sweetheart -- You've got a terrible case of imposter syndrome, that's what it is.

No-one reasonable is going to expect a newly graduated person in a training role to get everything right all the time. You're a newbie, and from what you say you wouldn't actually be allowed to work independently yet -- which means that it's formally recognised that it's not YOU, that in fact NO-ONE in your position is expected to know it all and get it all right!

They don't award degrees on one fluked test - if you were top in your degree, that must reflect that you were a bloody good candidate, probably over years.

Can you cut yourself some slack? Can you find some downtime to relax and do something you enjoy rather than constantly working and studying? If you can wind down a bit you will probably find that you come to work with a clearer head and actually start to feel a bit more in control of things.

Are there any other trainees/newbies that you can talk with? I'll bet that other people have just the same self-doubts, and supporting each other will help a lot.

Concentrate on being excellent t at one thing at a time, and average at the rest. Ask fir help when you need to, without being too needy.

"they have extremely high expectations and don’t do softness/emotions"
That is not a good manager. Sounds like someone who is good at their job, but not good at managing people.

You are doing great, its never easy starting out and studying as well as working is extremely hard (and your manager is not doing that). Cut yourself a break, get through it as best you can, it wont last forever.

You don't say in your post whether your belief that you are underperforming has been discussed with those supervising you. You have not offered any evidence to back up your assertion that you are making "unacceptable" mistakes. Is it possible that you are not actually failing at all, but just experiencing such high levels of anxiety that you are fearing the worst?

You could request a one to one meeting with your supervisor, and ask for an accurate appraisal of your performance, from their perspective. Then you can ask for any advice on how to progress. If you are actually underperforming, you could ask for help to get back on track. If they are satisfied with your work, and your worries are not justified, you could seek some psychological help to address your high levels of anxiety and sense of low self worth.