MIL with Alzheimer’s

[LucyOCS]

MIL and FIL are visiting us at the moment and staying a few days. They live 200 miles away and visit every couple of months.

MIL sadly has Alzheimer’s, diagnosed 3 years ago. She’s in her late 60s so diagnosed pretty young.

We have DCs aged 7, 4 and 1. DC7 has been aware of the diagnosis for a while as in the early stages MIL was getting quite upset so we had to explain what was going on. DC4 is now also aware following events this weekend.

MIL has now become abusive and inappropriate as well as confused. This has been quite unsettling for all the kids.

She has frequently used (minor thankfully) bad language, has shouted at DC1 for making noise in his high chair leading to him getting distressed, has shouted at DC4 a few times for laughing (not at MIL), having her hand on her own face, and for talking. DC4 had been a bit stunned by this and I’ve had to reassure her she’s done nothing wrong.

She’s several times talked about death, and that people are trying to kill her, and worse of all mentioned the word rape and said some pretty sexually inappropriate stuff, luckily using language that the DCs at this age wouldn’t know what she was talking about.

AIBU to think MIL can’t come and stay with us again for the children’s sake. I feel bad for thinking this as obviously she has no idea what she’s saying (and consequently anyone telling her to stop has no effect as 2 minutes later she’s forgotten and starts again), and FIL is enjoying being here for a break, but I worry I’m going to have 2 pretty traumatised older kids and goodness what else she could say in front of them in future that they would understand.

As someone who has gone through this with family members. You need to protect your kids. They're not old enough for them to fully understand what is happening. Its a cruel cruel disease and I'm really sorry your family is going through this OP.

It’s very sad but I think you’re right; MIL can’t be around your DC anymore.

Horrible situation, but obviously you can't let this continue. DH can visit them in future, or they stay in a hotel near you and DH goes and spends days with them.

Sorry OP, it is a horrendous illness to have to witness someone you care about go through.
I also lost a family member to it, albeit before I had children so I didn’t have them to consider but I do understand.

I think visits with the DC have to stop. Let them have fond memories of her, they don’t need to see her like this and I would imagine that prior to her illness MIL would probably have agreed that she wouldn’t want her young GC to see her like this.

Have you got any other family locally who tryout children could stay with when PILS come to visit? That way you could still accommodate them and give FIL a much needed break but protect your DC. Fil Could still visit your DC elsewhere.

On another note does FIL have a support network where he is? Is there a memory cafe/ carers support group he can lean on? MIL could get drastically worse aay any moment unfortunately.

take care

Such a horrid disease and such a sad situation. But you’re right and have to put the children first and find another plan to be able to visit the in-laws.

You’re not wrong to protect your children. Dementia is hard on everyone. Having said that some of my children’s fondest memories of my mum are her bonkers behaviour towards the end, particularly for the then 14 year old she insisted on introducing to everyone in her care home as her boyfriend!

Your FIL will need respite care, and possibly daily help as the disease progresses. You might want to moot the idea of a care home so he can continue to live life knowing she is cared for. It sounds like she is getting to the point/at the point where she can’t be left and that is incredibly hard to manage. Does he have any help?

Very sorry to read this - very sad for all of you and it must be hard for FIL as you are perhaps seeing what he is experiencing on a daily basis
Time to discuss as a family what happens next - but it’s not good for your children

It's very distressing - could you give your FIL a break by getting her into respite care while he comes to stay? It does sound like it has reached that point.

My friend cared for her mum with Alzheimers and had to do this for her own sanity at times.

I would agree. Plus, its a long journey down for your FIL with a confused passenger. That could be a recipe for disaster. If he stopped in traffic on the motorway, would she get out the car thinking she had arrived?

DH could go up on his own to visit mostly, or you all go up and you stay nearby - see if there are any holiday parks in the vicinity - so DH could spend a few hours with them each day if he didn't want to stay with them. It might end up too confusing having a different person staying overnight in her house anyway.

Being out of her own environment will likely have worsened her confusion. Could you visit them in their home in the future?

My dad had dementia do I know exactly what you mean
but to be blunt the situation is nothing you can’t manage if you wanted to
but the very easy option for you is just to stop her coming
think of fil his life is stressful and hard enough the time there’d there’s someone else to share the burden must be bliss for him

I agree. Try different tactics such as your DH visiting alone, then perhaps you all staying nearby and meeting for short periods maybe with the DC split up.

Unfortunately it’s fire fighting because as soon as you come up with one solution something else happens. But somehow you need to balance keeping your DC protected with supporting both of your inlaws.

It’s hard but it sounds as if some of these comments arise from her feeling overwhelmed so a calm and secure environment might help in the short term. Even the loveliest children can be quite overwhelming even when one is quite well.

Thanks all. Yes it’s very hard for FIL. Thankfully his daughter lives around the corner who helps with her mum when she can, and MIL goes to a support group / respite care 3 times per week.

IMO she needs to be in care full time. FIL
is just horrible to her (I know it’s hard on him but everything he says to her is nasty), but care is obviously extortionate and whilst they can definitely afford it FIL is the most miserly person I’ve ever met.

I think perhaps she needs to go into respite next time they visit or as suggested they stay in a hotel (FIL will refuse to pay for that though) and we see them out and about whether the kids will
likely be running off playing and be less likely to hear any of it.

Yes I agree, we do need to visit them more. It’s just such a long journey with 3 kids. The older 2 get travel sick, and DS screamed the house down every car journey until recently and still isn’t great. They also have nowhere for us to stay, but it doesn’t feel like staying with them would be sensible even if they did.