To seek clarification from the MN hive mind on appropriate intervals for relationship milestones?

[YouWithoutEnd]

See lots of threads on here where the OP is being told that they are terribly reckless for introducing a new partner to their children within X timeframe. It seems almost outlawed to ever consider moving in with a new partner if you have children. Even when there aren’t children involved I’ve seen some strange comments about an appropriate length of time one must wait before considering themselves to be “in love” - on a thread the other day I saw a commenter suggesting that it couldn’t possibly be love after just a year together! Do we even have a say over when we fall in love? Lots of opinions on sex/dating threads about how you must wait at least three months to have sex to make sure they’re marriage material, etc. A thread a few weeks ago about the morning after pill led to someone suggesting it was “too soon to be spending a bank holiday together”.

I’m led to ask these questions because being on MN myself and knowing that some of my closest friends are also Mumsnetters (and thus also subject to the same hive mind) means that often find myself dually echo-chambered, and sometimes struggle to see what is reasonable real life behaviour and what is crazy rigid MN custom and practice. It’s almost like having been radicalised to a very black and white way of thinking, when I think most reasonable people understand that real life often takes place in the grey areas and the compromises.

So AIBU to want to thrash all this out once and for all?

When exactly does a relationship tick over into “love”?

At what time interval is it appropriate to introduce your children to a new partner?

When are you allowed to move in with a partner? Both with and without children in the mix.

When are we allowed to spend bank holidays with a love interest without looking like massively unboundaried harpies?

Thanks in advance.

Haha! I don’t have the answers OP, but following with interest.

I assume all the would-be commenters are busy in a focus group right now getting it all smoothed out for us🤔

Since we sort of moved in together a few hours after getting together I'm probably not the best person to ask... (for a few months until he joined the Regular Army, he was homeless after a long trip with the Territorial Army. We then didn't live together until we were married)
We also knew we were in love before that as we had been sort of friends for a while. In fact most people thought we were dating.

Life doesn't work to rules. Obviously you do need to be more cautious with children in the mix though.

Love - within weeks is possible

Move in if single no kids - wouldn’t before 12 months

With kids - wouldn’t move in a DP

I have children and have made the decision that I won't be moving in a boyfriend in until they've left home/are adults. So that's 6 years.

I don’t think you can choose when you love someone so there’s no timeframe on that. I’d be a bit sceptical at someone saying they were in love immediately after meeting a person but a year is more than enough time to fall in love.

I’m not sure about introducing children but I do think some people seem to do it too quickly. I would say once you know it’s serious but I realise that’s very vague.

Moving in together without children I think once you both feel settled together. I moved in with one ex after a couple of months (mistake), another ex started as a housemate so we were living together before the relationship started and another ex I moved in with after about 18 months. That felt about right. I’m not sure with children but you’d obviously have to be more careful about it.

I’m a lesbian and we seem to like having much longer dates than the straight people I know so I’d think nothing of having a date span an entire weekend/Bank holiday weekend very early on. I also have no rules on when to have sex for the first time. As long as you both want to have sex then it doesn’t matter if it’s your first date or 3 months in surely?

In terms of falling in love, I think everyone is different. You can have very intense emotions quite early on, but maybe need to see the other person in a lot of different scenarios to see how those feelings develop. You might go off them just as quickly! Maybe that's what people mean by saying you can't love someone after just a few months?

Meeting kids: 6-12 months+
Moving in, no DC: 18 months+
Moving in with DC: too many variables to say

But really, who's to say? Everyone's circumstances are different.

My DP met my DC when we'd been seeing each other about a year (we'd known each other longer) and then DC met each other about another nine months after that.

XH introduced his new partner a few weeks after DC learnt of their existence and new partner stayed the night at the first meeting, which also meant one of the DC had to miss a weekly activity. Fortunately, they like the new partner but I thought it was a rubbish way for DC to meet them and that the overnight stay on first meeting was too much because it was really soon after XH had moved out.

I don't think I'd move in with someone after less than a year, but if you've finally met someone after years of looking and want to start a family then why not?

DP and I would probably be thinking about moving in together now (almost 3 years into the relationship) if either one of us didn't have DC. But with four between us, at different life stages, different educational establishments, and with different needs, we agree that it wouldn't be fair to move anyone. We plan on reviewing things in a couple of years' time when they're all a bit older (his oldest might even have moved out by then). But my DC2 (youngest of all) still has another six years at school, so we'll have to see.

I've known a couple of people who moved in with new partners very quickly (weeks or just a few months) and both times it ended badly. I'm a naturally cautious person, though, so think slow and steady is better overall.

Haven't seen MN commenting on how soon is OK to spend a bank holiday. That's hilarious - strange yardstick!